No one paid much attention to Curt Schilling’s retirement announcement due to the premier of the Japanese-themed variety show Super Baseball Fun Time featuring hapless baseballers in 9 innings of thrilling, super fun antics.

Unfortunately, the highly-anticipated variety show was canceled three minutes into its premier due to lack of a sentient audience. Despite the cancellation, Schilling still couldn’t manage to find a credible news outlet to cover his retirement and was forced to release the news via his blog at 38pitches.com.

“It is with zero regrets that I am making my retirement official,” said Schilling on his blog. “Except playing for the Phillies. Those were the worst nine years of my life and I wish I could have those back. Seriously, I regret I ever played in that pit-stained town.”