An audacious 4-year-old baboon named “Dayn” sent several people to the hospital after he broke free from his cage at the Bronx Zoo early Sunday morning.

The baboon found his way to the Fox Sports newsroom where he hurled an unidentified number of asthmatic, reclusive writers around the building for three hours, pausing for only three minutes to mash his little baboon hands and feet on a keyboard for what is now being passed as sportswriting.

Though the monkey caused loads of damage, the focus of the entire ordeal was on the incoherent gibberish he wrote that alleged the NL East was the second weakest division in all of baseball, and that no team from the division, including the Phillies, could finish first in any other division.

“Once we subdued the animal and cleaned his feces off the walls, we realized he had written a full article on one of our computers,” said Fox Sports MLB editor Jack McAss. “The facts were just so factual and the stats were so statistical that we just had to print it. We’re actually talking with the zoo right now to try and bring him on full-time.”