The once mighty Phillies had lost their way after being sold into slavery by Subway, Dick’s Sporting Goods, New Era and ESPN the Magazine.

Now forced to battle for the freedom they once took for granted, the defending WFCs arrived back at the legendary Citizens Bank Coliseum to dismantle a barbarian hoard of  Metropolitans in three straight matches and slaughtered an unarmed gang of Redstockings 22-1 in an effort to re-establish their major league dominance.

“My name is Cole Hamels, soon-to-be father to an African baby, husband to a hot wife and we will win another WFC, in this season or the next,” said Hamels after the victory. “But hopefully this season.”