Unable to effectively control news about the season-ending injury to linebacker Stewart Bradley, head coach Andy Reid has resorted to fabricating news to satisfy his inner Belichick and decide when news breaks.

Reid announced to reporters that he had lost 75 pounds over the past three months on the Medifast plan, though members of the media initially took it as a joke and laughed uncontrollably for about 17 minutes straight.

“Coach didn’t lose any weight, he’s just getting desperate out there,” said cornerback Asante Samuel. “Even if it was true, that’s like losing a brick on a pyramid. He’s a large human being either way.”