New umpiring technology will console umpires after blown calls

In an effort to avoid the fallout from missed calls by umpires, Major League Baseball will begin utilizing a new technology that will dispense tissues and gently rock umpires to sleep after suffering the embarrassment of blowing a simple call.

Commissioner Bud Selig admitted Jim Joyce’s  recent blown call played a part in finally putting the new technology to use and hopes to avoid any similar situations in the future by making sure each umpire is properly coddled the moment they kick the shit out of an easy call.

“The technology was there all along, but I think it’s now obvious that we have to begin using it,” Selig said. “Umpires are the lifeblood of our game and since they’re human and make mistakes, this technology will make sure they’re as comfortable as possible when those mistakes are made.”

The full implementation of the new technology will cost MLB approximately $4.8 billion over the next decade while each stadium is equipped with enough tissue and stuffed animals to allow umpires to do their job without fear of total humiliation when they screw up.

Selig also considered using very basic technology that would cost the league about $189.99 at Best Buy to be able to record each play and rewind the tape to make sure the correct call is being made, but the commissioner ruled out this option because “that would make too much sense.”

Zaki is the Chief Rocka and senior writer for PhillyGameday.com.