Phillies unhappy with performance of new flaccid bats

The Phillies have been using a new line of limp, powerless wood bats for the past two weeks and are fuming over the lack of any pop whatsoever during games.

“We’re still trying to sort through who even ordered these things, but I can tell you I’ve never seen such lifeless bats in my life,” said Phillies equipment manager Stephen Powell. “I ordered our normal bats about a week ago but they still haven’t showed up. I just can’t believe it’s taken this long.”

The Phillies come back home to face the Padres on Friday, when fans will be able to see the completely flaccid bats and even more flaccid offense play for the first time since May 23.

Zaki is the Chief Rocka and senior writer for PhillyGameday.com.