Though the Astros were reportedly interested in trading the 10-year veteran, it appears the team opted to go in another direction by abandoning Oswalt on the curb.

“We know Oswalt has had some back issues lately, but he still works just fine,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. “I think he just needs a good wash and a couple shots of cortisone and he’ll work just like a new Oswalt.”

Sources close to the Phillies are saying the team felt bad for taking Oswalt and sent a perfectly good J.A. Happ to the Astros as a gesture of thanks.

“Behold! The prophecy of Jayson Stark hath become reality! The time of Brown is upon us,” GM Ruben Amaro announced at a  Wednesday afternoon press conference. “Rejoice, for Lehigh Valley hath given us its only prospect. Blessed are we to see His bat of maple upon our field. Hallelujah, Amen.”

As of press time, there is no word on whether Brown’s appearance had anything to do with the prayer by scores of fans for Shane Victorino to be placed on the disabled list.

The Phillies fired Tom Formanek, nacho guy since 2005, in an effort to shake up the underperforming nacho game at Citizens Bank Park and, according to sources, the nachos have responded well to the change.

“The nachos have been absolutely delicious the past few games,” said Joe Hackett, who sampled several nachos during the Phillies’ sweep of the Rockies. “I know they’re the same nachos as before, but for some reason, they just taste so much better now that they fired that old nacho guy.”

Ian Sullivan will take over as the new nacho guy for Formanek, who is reportedly unhappy with the move.

“I feel like I’m the scapegoat here,” said Formanek. “And of course as soon as they hire this new guy, the nachos start tasting better all of the sudden. He takes them out of the bag and puts them on a plate the same way I did. But somehow they taste better?”

The Phillies are happy with the production of their nachos so far in the second half but, according to sources, GM Ruben Amaro may be next out the door if the nachos can’t maintain their addictive flavor.

“You’re only supposed to get like five sick of hitting days a year but Jimmy’s gotta be pushing 50 by now,” said manager Charlie Manuel. ” I know they’re genuinely sick of hitting, but there are plenty of people out there sick of watching them hit and yet they still watch. These guys are gonna have to suck it up and start showing up to work again.”

Sources close to the Phillies are also expecting reliever Danys Baez to call out sick of pitching again any minute now.

“If the kids want to wear their trousers around their ankles, that’s up to them,” said Manuel. “But the proper way to wear uniform bottoms is at the waist, just below the chin.”

Manuel also announced plans to start wearing house slippers and falling asleep during games.

“As a convicted felon with eroded skills, we’re unsure how he got this job or, for that matter, what this job is,” said WSJ spokesman Stephen Duffy. “But whatever it is, it’s easily the greatest job in America. Ever.”

With a starting salary of $1.6 million, Vick’s job with the Eagles still remains a complete and total mystery, but according to Vick, it may involve standing, with occasional sitting, but very little running.

Vick stood and sat enough in 2009 to earn a $3.6 million dollar raise this year, giving him a $5.2 million salary and the title of ‘Best Job in America’.

“It’s a great job,” Vick said of whatever he’s supposed to be doing this year with the Eagles, “and I do it well.”

Vick also topped Wall Street Journal’s list of ‘People Dumber Than Toast’ for repeatedly trying to get fired from his cushy, do-nothing job.

Terrible sources noted that the Phillies remain buyers and will likely keep Werth. However, if the Phillies fall out of contention, the team will entertain a trade involving the outfielder, according to awful sources.

Horrible sources also indicate that it’s a miracle and a travesty that they are currently employed.

“I suppose we have a similar skin tone,” the runaway slave admitted on Tuesday. “But I was captured and lost my foot when I ran away from my owner. When LeBron ran away from his owner, he was rewarded with $110 million. Please, feel free to stop me when these stories start to sound similar.”

When asked of his response to Gilbert’s letter to Cavaliers fans, the runaway slave said “he sounded more like a whiny owner of an NBA team that just lost his meal ticket.”

ESPN had been warned by the FCC for fellating the two-time MVP numerous times in the past, but the consensual love-making session on Thursday night may finally earn the network a substantial fine.

“ESPN has shown that they’re incapable of reporting on LeBron James without making it sexual,” said one FCC official. “We want to send the message that this is no longer acceptable behavior for a so-called respectable news network.”

The FCC is also investigating James’ autoerotic behavior on TV and the internet over the past several weeks, citing that the former Cavalier has “been feeling himself a little too much lately.”

“This groundbreaking study dispels decades of speculation that fan booing occurred at random, regardless of the outcome of the game or the performance of individual players,” said research scientist Paul Hughes. “This information could change the way the Phillies play the game of baseball.”

The study was released a day after Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino spoke out about being criticized by fans for his lackluster play this season. However, after reading the report, Victorino realized the key to not being booed may lie in improving his on-field performance.

“If all I had to do was start hitting to get the fans behind me again, I would have done that a while ago,” said Victorino on Thursday. “I always thought complaining to the press was the answer.”

The report also stated that laying off of pitches outside of the strike zone may also cut down on the amount of boos by up to 100%.