“Michael Vick is the perfect quarterback for, say, the wildcat,” said Reid. “Of course he can do other things. I was just using that as an example. I’m sure he has other relevant quarterbacking skills.”

According to Reid, Vick has a vast skill set, and can still line-up at quarterback for a number of NFL teams.

“If you don’t believe me, check out our film from last year. He lined up at quarterback every time we sent him into the game. Not wide receiver, not left guard, but quarterback. You don’t find talent like that every day. Plus, you just can’t ignore his ability to run the wildcat and do all that other stuff, too.”

“What’s fair is fair,” Lurie said on Wednesday. “We paid him to play football, not get hurt and go to continual doctors visits, chiropractic appointments, physical therapy, you name it. I don’t know what he expected, but these bills aren’t going to pay themselves.”

The Eagles say a large balance remains on several bills stemming from a concussion suffered by Westbrook  last season. According to the team, Westbrook should be happy they are only asking for fifty percent.

“Brian needs to understand most employers don’t pay a cent towards an employee’s medical bills other than what they contribute to insurance coverage,” Lurie continued. “So, technically, we’re already doing him a huge favor by paying half.”

“Did you see my explosiveness from the car to the team facility?” asked Jackson, beaming with pride. “I covered some ground in a hurry. And I went past the security guard like he was standing still. Well, he was, but I went by him really fast.”

Other typically mundane tasks Jackson has been rumored to be turning into a ‘big play’ include getting dressed, shopping, shoveling his driveway and getting the mail.

“I haven’t perfected the big play in public yet,” said Jackson, “but I’ll get there. Last time I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things, I knocked over an entire display of cereal boxes to avoid a little old lady. I’m not opposed to running over a kicker if I have to, but a little old lady is where I draw the line.”

Jackson’s teammates appreciate his propensity for the big play on the field, but think his recent off the field antics have been a bit much.

“If he wants to score on a seventy-yard punt return and dance into the end zone against the Giants, I’m all for it,” said Donovan McNabb. “But when he gets up to use the restroom during film, and weaves in and out of the desks and jumps over empty chairs it’s kind of disruptive.”

“My hand is completely fine,” said Victorino, as he removed it from a bucket of ice water. “This amount of swelling is normal for me after any game. I just happened to get hit by a 93 mile-per-hour fastball, so everybody is freaking out. But I assure you, I am more than OK and will be able to play in Game 6.”

Victorino said he may be a bit delirious from the amount of pain medication he is on, but he is very persistent in his claims that he will be ready to go tomorrow night.

“It’s the World Series. I don’t care if my hand looks like a balloon, that it turned these funny colors or that my middle and ring fingers are currently not functioning. I’m going to be out there.”

“If people make fun of me, I don’t care,” said Brand. “I am simply taking care of my body. It just happens to be as fragile as a 94-year-old woman with osteoporosis so I need to be extra cautious.”

Brand says he will protect his body by any means necessary. If he has to wear a football helmet with full shoulder pads or completely wrap himself in bubble wrap, so be it.

“Hey, watch it! You gotta be careful around me!” screamed Brand at Jason Kapono, who let a missed three pointer after practice slowly roll past Brand. “You can’t recklessly miss shots and have the ball go screaming by me like that. It’s dangerous! Hey, can anyone untie my shoes for me? I don’t want to sever any fingers like last time. That was embarrassing.”

“Yeah, it’s going to be pretty tough to have to watch the Mets’ biggest rivals play against each other in the World Series. I guess the match-up is only fitting, considering the absolute nightmare season we had to endure this year. Not to mention the late season collapses in previous years.”

Despite the current depression, Brookston says he looks forward to what he hopes will be an active off-season for the Mets.

“Hopefully, we can sign some free agents that will help us compete with the Phillies for the division and maybe get to the Series and face the Yankees. It’s just unfortunate that something in the water at CitiField will probably cause those free agents to get injured or just flat out suck as the Mets try to hold off the Nationals for fourth place. Man, I hate being a Mets fan.”

“I believe that this new play will add an entirely new wrinkle to our offense,” said Reid, who clearly appeared ecstatic with the Eagles new, innovative play. “I don’t want to get into too many details, such as formation and personnel, but I can tell you we simply spruced up an existing play. Instead of Celek running an option route over the middle with our back swinging out to the flat, we’re going to have our back run the option route and have Celek go into the flat. It should totally confuse the defense.”

Reid would not say which down and distance would be ideal for this new, innovative play, but did say that he plans to work this play into his game plan which typically consists of 350 passes and 1 run.

“I thought I was supposed to come in for an MRI on Monday no matter what,” said Westbrook. “I mean I’ve done it for something like 37 Mondays in a row during the football season. It was disorienting having an extra hour with nothing to do, so while I was there I had some X-rays taken just for fun.”

As a result of not having an MRI done, Westbrook remains one punch short of a free MRI or CT Scan on his Frequent Imaging Club Card.

“I set out to get a free MRI or CT Scan this season, and I’m going to do it,” said Westbrook as he dropped a heavy weight on his foot. “Isn’t that what we play for, free MRIs? Well, maybe that and winning the Super Bowl.”

“I love celebrating!” said an ecstatic Jackson after putting away his toothbrush. “Just look at how awesome I am at brushing my teeth! Just look!”

Scoring touchdowns and brushing his teeth are not the only things that Jackson celebrates with risky gymnastics type maneuvers. Rumors are floating around the Eagles locker room that he is planning a pike position double somersault for starting his car and a back handspring somersault one and a half twist for properly placing his dishes in the dishwasher after eating dinner at home.

“It’s a big deal that Michael Vick is returning to the NFL regular season,” said a representative of the network. “I know he’ll probably only play 10 to 15 plays, and run that stupid wildcat a few times, but we want coverage of it. So what if his stats will probably be 1-for-5 passing with 11 yards of total offense. America wants to see Vick.”

ESPN plans on following its Michael Vick coverage with highlights and in depth analysis of the day’s top performances by punters and kick off specialists.