“As a convicted felon with eroded skills, we’re unsure how he got this job or, for that matter, what this job is,” said WSJ spokesman Stephen Duffy. “But whatever it is, it’s easily the greatest job in America. Ever.”

With a starting salary of $1.6 million, Vick’s job with the Eagles still remains a complete and total mystery, but according to Vick, it may involve standing, with occasional sitting, but very little running.

Vick stood and sat enough in 2009 to earn a $3.6 million dollar raise this year, giving him a $5.2 million salary and the title of ‘Best Job in America’.

“It’s a great job,” Vick said of whatever he’s supposed to be doing this year with the Eagles, “and I do it well.”

Vick also topped Wall Street Journal’s list of ‘People Dumber Than Toast’ for repeatedly trying to get fired from his cushy, do-nothing job.

The Eagles responded by saying that “yeah, I kind of know what you mean” and “he doesn’t interest us either, but what other choice do we have right now,” according to one team spokesman.

The Eagles informed police that while they may have had some interest in Vick several months ago when they were trying to sell merchandise and stay relevant in the news, their current interest in the former Pro Bowler has officially bottomed out. The team also repeatedly asked police if they were sure Vick wasn’t involved in the shooting because, according to team owner Jeffrey Lurie, “that would really help us out in trying to get rid of him.”

After seeing the film, starring Robert Downey Jr., Jackson said he was “very happy with the movie.”

“I don’t think it lost anything from the first one,” Jackson added. “Even with the loss of Terrence Howard.”

On Tuesday, McNabb was asked for a response to Jackson’s comment, just to try and start controversy where there was none to begin with.

“I could feed into this war he’s obviously trying to start by talking about Iron Man 2,” McNabb said. “But someone has to be the bigger man, so whatever he wants to say is cool with me, but it’s not making him look like the bigger man. I’m the biggest man there is, and ever will be.”

Jackson also commented on what was poppin’ in Atlanta over the weekend, but McNabb could not yet be reached for a response.

“He’s either booing or cheering after every pick, but how could he possibly know anything about any of these guys?” said Kyle Brace, a longtime friend of Hickey. “Then he watches a 10-second video clip of the guy and says something like ‘Oh yeah, he’ll fit the scheme’, like he even knows what that means. If you’ve ever seen Mel Kiper on ESPN, then you know what I’m talking about.”

According to Hickey, the Eagles have had a good draft so far but could really use another defensive end because “you can never have too many of those.”

“Michael Vick is the perfect quarterback for, say, the wildcat,” said Reid. “Of course he can do other things. I was just using that as an example. I’m sure he has other relevant quarterbacking skills.”

According to Reid, Vick has a vast skill set, and can still line-up at quarterback for a number of NFL teams.

“If you don’t believe me, check out our film from last year. He lined up at quarterback every time we sent him into the game. Not wide receiver, not left guard, but quarterback. You don’t find talent like that every day. Plus, you just can’t ignore his ability to run the wildcat and do all that other stuff, too.”

According to many national reports, McNabb was originally taken against his will by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1999 and sold into forced labor where he suffered through years of abuse by brutish locals, never getting the respect he deserved.

“First of all, we’re just glad to say that he is now out of harm’s way,” said Daniel Snyder, the Redskins owner who led McNabb’s rescue attempt out of the treacherous city. “The entire nation watched for over a decade as McNabb was treated like some sort of Gladiator sent into an arena to please a crowd. They want to see him finish the job instead of just being satisfied with making it as far as he did every year. They’re all savages. Every last one of them.”

The Redskins were able to secure McNabb’s release in exchange for a couple draft picks, which the Eagles will likely use to take more unsuspecting college kids from their families.

Although the national media reports are distinctly one-sided, many local Philadelphians have given conflicting reports of McNabb’s treatment while with the Eagles.

“I actually liked the guy and thought he was good for the team,” said one sober townsperson who was immediately dismissed from commenting any further.

McNabb could not be reached for comment, but his agent said that he is glad to “finally leave the only fan base in the universe that would ever ‘boo’ a draft pick or criticize a player for his poor performance on the field.”

Though all three teams were rumored to have some level of interest in the Pro Bowler, each team has come forward this week to deny any such rumors.

“There’s nothing to any of that,” Eagles head coach Andy Reid said of the Eagles’ reported interest in McNabb. “We’re not involved in that.

“At this time of year there are going to be all kinds of things thrown out there. But, no, there’s nothing to it.”

McNabb has expressed interest in wanting to play football somewhere in 2010, but as of press time, none of the 32 NFL teams have come forward with any interest whatsoever.

“Ten years from now, we could be talking about Shawn as one of the greatest Tweeters of all time,” said a Twitter head coach. “The talent is certainly there, but he’s just not making the best use of the 140-character limit each time he updates his status.”

Some Twitter officials have estimated that Andrews is Tweeting at nearly a quarter of his potential after watching film of Andrews’ dominant Tweeting early on in his career as compared to now.

“I’ve seen the guy do things with 140-characters that most guys couldn’t do with 500,” said one Twitter executive. “Some people blame off-the-screen distractions, like his involvement in pro football, for the lack of focus. I’d rather he focus on his Tweets, but if he wants to continue to play football, he’s a grown man. Let him play.”

“I think Hank is a great addition to our cast,” said former Hollywood producer Jeffrey Lurie. “He’ll play the role of the reserve wide receiver that dreams of winning the big game for his team, but can’t ever catch a break, or a ball.”

Baskett may be best known for his role as Kendra Wilkinson’s husband on the TV show Kendra, but flopped in an attempt to branch out on his own as a hero in Super Bowl XLIV.

The press conference almost certainly means that McNabb has played his last game as an Eagle, but head coach Andy Reid is still downplaying the situation, saying that McNabb will stay with the Eagles as his quarterback.

“I haven’t changed my opinion at all,” Reid said while watching McNabb clean out his locker with a 49ers hat on. “Donovan will be with the Eagles as our starting quarterback. Period. I don’t know when signing a contract with another team became a signal that you had left your team, but that means nothing to me. People will always speculate about this stuff, but the only thing that matters is that I say Donovan is an Eagle, even if I’m literally the only one still saying that.”