Pronger, who also nabbed the game pucks at the end of Chicago’s first two wins of the Stanley Cup Final, downplayed the incident following the Flyers 4-3 overtime loss to the Blackhawks on Wednesday.

“It’s just a cup. I don’t know what everybody’s so worked up over,” said Pronger. “If they wanted it so bad, they should’ve taken it instead of celebrating like jackasses.”

When asked what he did with the 108-year-old Holy Grail of sports trophies, Pronger replied, “it’s in the garbage…where it belongs.”

“I always look to my Tribune for a good yarn and boy do they deliver,” said Bruhns, a retired schoolteacher from Evanston, IL that has stood as the Chicago Tribune’s sole subscriber for the past 15 months. “They gave that fancy boy Pronger a pair of woman legs and a skirt! He’s a real dandy now! I bet ‘Chrissy’ will think twice about coming to Chicago, won’t he! It’s amazing how they manage to come up with such fresh material!”

The New York Post ran a similar front page graphic last October with Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino in a skirt, but according to a spokesperson with the Chicago Tribune, “ours was totally different because they used a red skirt and ours was orange.”

“We also gave him a girly name to further suggest that he plays hockey like a girl,” added the creative genius that came up with the headline. “I know, I surprise myself sometimes, too.”

Canadian hockey players were brought in to help suppress the Flyers’ intensity, but after only minutes on the job, it was evident that the Montreal club had no clue what they were doing.

President Obama pledged Tuesday to “use every single available resource” and the U.S. military ratcheted up preparations to help contain the Flyers.

“We sent in Martin Brodeur, and that didn’t work,” Obama said of the previous attempts to stop the Flyers. “Then we throw the Bruins at them and just when we thought that worked, it didn’t work. We only have a few more days to stop them before they reach my Chicago Blackhawks, then all hell will break loose.”

Obama has not ruled out using military action against the Flyers, but according to the President, “the way those guys play with half of their face missing, I’m not sure our military would even make a difference.”

Simon Gagne scored the game-deciding goal with 7:08 left in the third period, which led to the Flyers’ first appearance on the front page of a major news outlet since 1903.

“Everyone counted us out after we couldn’t make it to the front page for the 13,505th straight time,” said Danny Briere. “But here we are. The single greatest comeback in the history of sports. It’s a good feeling. What’s that? The Phillies just took over the front page from us? Son of a…”

The Flyers destroyed the Canadiens 6-0 in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals on Sunday, ruining any chance they had to stun the world with another 3-0 series comeback.

“We’ve said it all year that the only team that can beat us is ourselves,” said Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger. “You’d figure that as many times as we’ve kicked our own asses that we’d learn to fight back. But, yeah. Not so much.”

The Flyers have battled injuries and inconsistency all year, leading to Sunday’s shootout win over the New York Rangers on the final day of the season. Though some members of the team are hopeful that things will change, others have taken a more realistic view of their playoff hopes.

“I can’t say exactly how we’re going to beat ourselves, but I’m pretty sure it will involve our goalie,” forward Scott Hartnell said on Monday. “And a lot of penalties. Yeah, tons of those.”

The Flyers will begin their playoff jog on Wednesday at the Prudential Center in Newark at 7:30 p.m. ET.

“I just can’t understand it. Of all the things you guys can do with your time, you choose to write about this team?” Richards said of the reporters that try and make the Flyers seem as interesting as possible so people will continue to watch games. “There are like half a billion other things you can write about. What about the Pants on the Ground guy? He’s gotta be more entertaining than we are, right?”

Richards and the Flyers will try desperately to remain relevant on the Philly sports landscape as they take on the Columbus Blue Jackets at home on Tuesday.

An overtime goal by the Bruin’s Mark Sturm capped off the historic Flyers loss in the Winter Classic at Fenway Park, home to baseball’s Boston Red Sox.

“When you’re a professional hockey team, it’s pretty hard to lose a game in a baseball stadium,” said Danny Syvret, who scored the Flyers lone goal. “First, you have to actually play a hockey game in a baseball stadium, which almost never happens. Then you have to actually lose the game. I think only one other team has done what we did out there, which is pretty impressive when you think about it.”

The Flyers broke a skid of four straight wins with the loss to the Bruins and will look to become the only team to lose in a neighborhood cul-de-sac on Sunday as they take on the Senators in front of Jimmy’s house.

Laperriere needed 50 to 100 stitches after the first period hit and lost seven of his teeth, but returned later in the game while the puck was rushed to a local hospital and could miss the rest of the season.

“The puck is doing as well as you can expect after taking a blow like that,” said one league official. “We’re told it’s out indefinitely, but you might remember the last time a puck took a Flyer to the face, it never made it back on the ice. So, it’s not looking good right now.”

Flyers GM Paul Holmgren also disclosed their agressive new PR plan that the NHL is employing for the upcoming season.

“We recognize that part of the reason the NFL has been so successful is the way they keep their sport in the news cycle,” Holmgren said. “Part of how they do that is by having their players get into these ‘run-ins’ with police and other law enforement agencies. So we figured, if we wanted to grow our sport like they have, the obvious choice would be to follow what they have trailblazed.”

Emery, who spent the 2008-09 season on a sightseeing tour of the beautiful Russian countryside, last played in the NHL for the Ottawa Senators in 2007-08. Emery can not formally sign the contract until July 1st.

“I’ve always admired guys like Chris Henry, Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones and those guys,” Emery said. “They always seem to find their way out of it and back onto the field no matter how many times they get arrested. I can only hope to achieve some of their success.”

Holmgren did not say whether or not the Flyers had come to any kind of agreement with the Philadelphia Police Department about this move, or if some kind direct debit account would be set up to help the burden of Emery’s potential bail payments.