Though the Astros were reportedly interested in trading the 10-year veteran, it appears the team opted to go in another direction by abandoning Oswalt on the curb.

“We know Oswalt has had some back issues lately, but he still works just fine,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. “I think he just needs a good wash and a couple shots of cortisone and he’ll work just like a new Oswalt.”

Sources close to the Phillies are saying the team felt bad for taking Oswalt and sent a perfectly good J.A. Happ to the Astros as a gesture of thanks.

“Behold! The prophecy of Jayson Stark hath become reality! The time of Brown is upon us,” GM Ruben Amaro announced at a  Wednesday afternoon press conference. “Rejoice, for Lehigh Valley hath given us its only prospect. Blessed are we to see His bat of maple upon our field. Hallelujah, Amen.”

As of press time, there is no word on whether Brown’s appearance had anything to do with the prayer by scores of fans for Shane Victorino to be placed on the disabled list.

The Phillies fired Tom Formanek, nacho guy since 2005, in an effort to shake up the underperforming nacho game at Citizens Bank Park and, according to sources, the nachos have responded well to the change.

“The nachos have been absolutely delicious the past few games,” said Joe Hackett, who sampled several nachos during the Phillies’ sweep of the Rockies. “I know they’re the same nachos as before, but for some reason, they just taste so much better now that they fired that old nacho guy.”

Ian Sullivan will take over as the new nacho guy for Formanek, who is reportedly unhappy with the move.

“I feel like I’m the scapegoat here,” said Formanek. “And of course as soon as they hire this new guy, the nachos start tasting better all of the sudden. He takes them out of the bag and puts them on a plate the same way I did. But somehow they taste better?”

The Phillies are happy with the production of their nachos so far in the second half but, according to sources, GM Ruben Amaro may be next out the door if the nachos can’t maintain their addictive flavor.

“You’re only supposed to get like five sick of hitting days a year but Jimmy’s gotta be pushing 50 by now,” said manager Charlie Manuel. ” I know they’re genuinely sick of hitting, but there are plenty of people out there sick of watching them hit and yet they still watch. These guys are gonna have to suck it up and start showing up to work again.”

Sources close to the Phillies are also expecting reliever Danys Baez to call out sick of pitching again any minute now.

“If the kids want to wear their trousers around their ankles, that’s up to them,” said Manuel. “But the proper way to wear uniform bottoms is at the waist, just below the chin.”

Manuel also announced plans to start wearing house slippers and falling asleep during games.

Terrible sources noted that the Phillies remain buyers and will likely keep Werth. However, if the Phillies fall out of contention, the team will entertain a trade involving the outfielder, according to awful sources.

Horrible sources also indicate that it’s a miracle and a travesty that they are currently employed.

“This groundbreaking study dispels decades of speculation that fan booing occurred at random, regardless of the outcome of the game or the performance of individual players,” said research scientist Paul Hughes. “This information could change the way the Phillies play the game of baseball.”

The study was released a day after Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino spoke out about being criticized by fans for his lackluster play this season. However, after reading the report, Victorino realized the key to not being booed may lie in improving his on-field performance.

“If all I had to do was start hitting to get the fans behind me again, I would have done that a while ago,” said Victorino on Thursday. “I always thought complaining to the press was the answer.”

The report also stated that laying off of pitches outside of the strike zone may also cut down on the amount of boos by up to 100%.

Pirates rookie outfielder Pedro Alvarez faced Kendrick in the second inning when he unexpectedly came up empty on the pitcher’s fastball, without so much as a foul tip.

“It’s emasculating,” said Alvarez of his historic swing. “I destroyed the next pitch for a home run, but the stink of missing that first one won’t go away any time soon.”

Alvarez is reportedly considering retirement from professional baseball and a full investigation has been launched to figure out how he was able to miss that pitch.

Ohlendorf had previously struggled with his lack of discernible talent or ability to grip and throw a baseball, but somehow excelled against the reigning National League champions, picking up his first win in nearly a full calendar year.

“We’ve been struggling for a while now, but I think this is a new low,” Jayson Werth said after the game. “It’s bad enough that the guy plays for the Pirates and has never held or thrown a baseball before, but to lose to a guy that hasn’t won a game since last August is kind of ridiculous.”

The Phillies lost to the Pirates the previous night when Daniel McCutchen, who carried an 0-3 record and an 11.00 ERA into the game and was born without a torso or bones, held the Phillies to one earned run over 5.1 innings.

“Without question, I would give him up for a hot pocket right now,” Powell reportedly said of Howard on 97.5 The Fanatic. “I’m not even kidding either. I would try and trade him for Cliff Lee, but if I couldn’t, I would seriously settle for a roll of toilet paper.”

Powell would later retract his statement, saying he “was just upset there was no food or toilet paper in the house.”