Though cheering for draft picks is a staple among non-Philly sports fans, Philly fans have historically berated athletes on draft day. However, that custom came to an end when Turner was selected with the second overall pick and greeted with warm applause by fans, marking the first such embrace by fans in Philadelphia sports history.

The most notable case of deplorable behavior by Philly fans on draft day was during the 1999 NFL draft when Donovan McNabb was booed unmercifully as he was selected with the Eagles’ second overall pick. It was widely speculated that Eagles fans were booing the organization for not selecting Heisman Trophy winner Ricky Williams, but later reports confirmed that Philly fans are the scum of the earth and want to boo everyone at all times.

In a less publicized case, Allen Iverson was booed off the stage as he was selected with the first overall pick by the 76ers in 1996. Cole Hamels, the Phillies first-round selection in the 2002 MLB draft, was also booed by a throng of fans at his home in San Diego, CA as he sat in his living room with family and friends. Altogether, some 2,622 athletes have been booed by crazed Philadelphia sports fans over the years.

According to a report probably published somewhere, one rogue fan was heard booing while Turner’s name was announced during the draft, which was, according to the report, “yet another black eye for Philadelphia sports fans.”

The machine, which will make decisions at random, will provide the Sixers with more consistency than the team had under Ed Stefanski.

“Those ping-pong balls have done more for our franchise in one hour than Ed did in three years, so this was an easy decision,” said Sixers owner Ed Snider. “We have no idea how the machine works, but we’re just glad it’s on our side now.”

The Sixers also announced that Stefanski will be given a new title as the guy that pulls the ping-pong balls from the new GM.

“After some careful thought, we realized LeBron James just wouldn’t be a good fit for this team,” said 76ers GM Ed Stefanski. “He’s an outstanding player, but at the end of the day, we could never see a guy like that playing in Philadelphia.”

With the Sixers’ pursuit of James at an end, the team will reportedly now shift its focus to not pursuing free agent guard Dwyane Wade.

“I’m not sure this is even news,” Sixers GM Ed Stefanski said of the team’s premature elimination. “News is when you inform someone of something they did not know. For example, in Pennsylvania, any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. For real.

“But, I think we know by now that next year doesn’t look too great for us. Thanks for the obvious tip though. Keep up the good work.”

“Everyone always just assumed that since I was a tall black guy, that I knew how to play basketball,” Jordan said on Wednesday. “Once I got older, people just assumed I was some wise, old basketball coach. One thing led to another and here I am about to get fired from a job I have no idea how I got in the first place.”

Several NBA teams have already expressed interest in hiring Jordan as a head coach should he be fired from the Sixers, though Jordan will likely return to his career as a below-average, yet sought-after tax attorney.

“You ever wake up in the middle of the night feenin’ for a Snicker’s wrapper?” Iverson said on Tuesday. “Not the Snicker’s…not a Snicker’s. I’m talkin’ ’bout the wrapper. Well, that’s where I am right now.”

Iverson said that while he suffered from his addictions well before he was ever drafted by the 76ers in 1996, the money he made only made things worse for him and his family.

“When I was just a broke kid, I couldn’t do much to feed my habit for diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Iverson. “But signing that first contract kind of enabled me and made that habit a lot worse. The money did help my addiction to ‘broke’ though. At least temporarily.”

Iverson mentioned that although he suffered from addictions to Curling and Mongolia, it was his dependence on professional basketball and the city of Philadelphia that impacted him the most.

“Our guys are pretty overwhelmed and obviously can’t keep up with the Princeton offense,” Jordan said of his team after a 106-95 loss to the Phoenix Suns on Tuesday. “I think going to the Strayer University offense would allow everyone to slow down and work at their own pace.”

The Strayer offense typically allows teams to run plays in a supportive, stress-free environment but very few franchises recognize it as a legitimate offensive option.

“We’re not really concerned about what others think about what we’re doing here,” said point guard Lou Williams. “We need an offense and can’t afford to keep failing with Princeton. We may not make it to the playoffs with Strayer, but it’s an offense we can still be proud of.”

The Sixers acquired Meeks in a last-minute deadline deal last week in an effort to make the team better, or so we’re told.

“We didn’t feel like we were sellers at the trade deadline, so we decided to go out and make a deal to improve our club,” said Sixers GM Ed Stefanski. “On the surface, this deal for Meeks looks like it was a wash and a waste of time, but if you look at it through Iggy’s glasses, you might be able to see that we have a very, very…very slight edge. If you looks close enough…and squint a little.”

The letter, sent to season ticket holders and various sponsors, referenced a “complete lack of focus” by the entire organization, which led to the team’s spiral into one crippling win after another.

“The Philadelphia 76ers organization would like to sincerely apologize to our fanbase and many sponsors for a very disturbing trend that developed over the last two weeks,” the apology letter read. “There will be no finger pointing as every member of our organization can bare blame for delaying the rebuilding process. Rest assured that this type of performance will not be tolerated and we can guarantee that this team will do whatever is necessary to earn back your trust. Just to show you that we are committed to ending any lengthy win streaks in the future, we are in the process of selling our entire roster to either Italy or possibly some Chinese basketball team and are prepared to offer you, our valued season ticket holder, a contract for the remainder of the season. In fact, we’ll just leave the contract amount blank so you can just write in whatever you want. It doesn’t matter. But please, we’re begging you. Come run with us, literally. We are so tired of being a mediocre team and we know you are too, so come on out and we’ll give you your own uniform and everything. Seriously. Your own uniform, with your name on the back, just like Andre Iguodala used to have before we sent him to Ecuador or some shit a couple minutes ago. See, we’re already making moves. So, at least think about that offer. In the mean time, accept our apology and we’ll hope to see you at the Wachovia Center, like right now! But if you’re busy, we’re cool with tomorrow. Either way, just give us a call or send us a tweet so we know you got this. Awesome. Go Sixers!”

“This is pretty much all we got, folks,” Elton Brand said to the reported 11,576 fans in attendance. “We could keep going, but to be completely honest, it’s probably not gonna get any better. So, if it’s OK with you guys, we’d like to just call it a day and do something else.”

The two teams will try to pick this up again on March 17th at the Wachovia Center.