“Everyone always just assumed that since I was a tall black guy, that I knew how to play basketball,” Jordan said on Wednesday. “Once I got older, people just assumed I was some wise, old basketball coach. One thing led to another and here I am about to get fired from a job I have no idea how I got in the first place.”

Several NBA teams have already expressed interest in hiring Jordan as a head coach should he be fired from the Sixers, though Jordan will likely return to his career as a below-average, yet sought-after tax attorney.

“You ever wake up in the middle of the night feenin’ for a Snicker’s wrapper?” Iverson said on Tuesday. “Not the Snicker’s…not a Snicker’s. I’m talkin’ ’bout the wrapper. Well, that’s where I am right now.”

Iverson said that while he suffered from his addictions well before he was ever drafted by the 76ers in 1996, the money he made only made things worse for him and his family.

“When I was just a broke kid, I couldn’t do much to feed my habit for diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Iverson. “But signing that first contract kind of enabled me and made that habit a lot worse. The money did help my addiction to ‘broke’ though. At least temporarily.”

Iverson mentioned that although he suffered from addictions to Curling and Mongolia, it was his dependence on professional basketball and the city of Philadelphia that impacted him the most.

The press conference almost certainly means that McNabb has played his last game as an Eagle, but head coach Andy Reid is still downplaying the situation, saying that McNabb will stay with the Eagles as his quarterback.

“I haven’t changed my opinion at all,” Reid said while watching McNabb clean out his locker with a 49ers hat on. “Donovan will be with the Eagles as our starting quarterback. Period. I don’t know when signing a contract with another team became a signal that you had left your team, but that means nothing to me. People will always speculate about this stuff, but the only thing that matters is that I say Donovan is an Eagle, even if I’m literally the only one still saying that.”

Santana threw 40 pitches, including his signature slider, to living, breathing humans in front of much of the Mets’ brass Thursday afternoon.  Of his progress, Santana seemed pleased. “It felt great to throw to animate objects.  I’m not sure where we found actual hitters, but credit the organization for the creative recovery idea.”

The lifeless hitters, however, should present an entirely different challenge for Santana.  “I had assumed when they said ‘lifeless batters’ that it was a jab at David Wright for his lack of power, but apparently, they have me throwing to actual dead guys.”

Mets’ General Manager Omar Minaya has insisted this is the crucial step to get Santana game ready.  “We are pleased with Johan today, but he still has a long way to go.  We want to take it slowly, so he likely won’t face any good lifeless batters over the weekend.  Is Gregg Jefferies alive?”

“Depending on the reactions of the deceased, Johan could be ready for opening day.”

“He was every bit as amazing as we thought he’d be,” Raul Ibanez said of Roy Halladay’s performance. “To go out there and retire 12 batters on one pitch is just sick.”

The only baserunner allowed during Halladay’s 19-inning outing came on a throwing error by Placido Polanco in the first inning. Polanco would later apologize to Halladay and praised his new teammate for an impressive no-pitch performance that killed at least five Yankees.

“What’s fair is fair,” Lurie said on Wednesday. “We paid him to play football, not get hurt and go to continual doctors visits, chiropractic appointments, physical therapy, you name it. I don’t know what he expected, but these bills aren’t going to pay themselves.”

The Eagles say a large balance remains on several bills stemming from a concussion suffered by Westbrook  last season. According to the team, Westbrook should be happy they are only asking for fifty percent.

“Brian needs to understand most employers don’t pay a cent towards an employee’s medical bills other than what they contribute to insurance coverage,” Lurie continued. “So, technically, we’re already doing him a huge favor by paying half.”

According to Sports by Brooks, Iverson spent Saturday night partying at Club 935 with Jermaine Dupri and at least one person Tweeted that our former franchise player was in attendance.

I won’t read too much into this and say he’s a horrible human being if this actually went down, but damn Allen, for once in your life, can you do the right thing? I know he’s packing it in and doesn’t care how this affects his professional life, but I can’t imagine his family giving him the thumbs up to head down to Charlotte while his daughter is still sick.

Based on this and the fact that the Sixers seem to play better without AI, I’m wondering if a release is forthcoming.

“I really felt good out there today,” Manuel said of his Lidge-watching session. “A lot of people didn’t know this, but I watched in a good deal of pain for most of 2009 when Brad was on the mound. It’s one of those things you just have to fight through and keep watching though. Today’s outing was a good sign that I may be able to stay pain-free all year.”

Manuel also suffered through bouts of Jimmy and Cole last season in addition to the painful Lidge outings, but according to team doctors, being able to watch Roy Halladay every fifth day should help the manager stay healthy and pain-free.

“Our guys are pretty overwhelmed and obviously can’t keep up with the Princeton offense,” Jordan said of his team after a 106-95 loss to the Phoenix Suns on Tuesday. “I think going to the Strayer University offense would allow everyone to slow down and work at their own pace.”

The Strayer offense typically allows teams to run plays in a supportive, stress-free environment but very few franchises recognize it as a legitimate offensive option.

“We’re not really concerned about what others think about what we’re doing here,” said point guard Lou Williams. “We need an offense and can’t afford to keep failing with Princeton. We may not make it to the playoffs with Strayer, but it’s an offense we can still be proud of.”

“It’s been years since I’ve made good on any of my predictions, so I figure I’d cut my losses and give baseball a try,” said Rollins, who was a standout high school baseball player in Oakland, CA, but fell into the fortune telling game after graduation. “They say you never really leave the [soothsaying] game once you get in, but I’m done. It’s over. Time to go after the dream.”

The Phillies have extended an invitation to the retired prognosticator to come to Spring Training and compete with Juan Castro for the open shortstop position. Manager Charlie Manuel also promised him a shot at leading off if he makes the final 25-man roster.

“He’s a high energy guy with loads of speed and talent,” Manuel said of Rollins. “If he can just get on base — consistently — ahead of our big hitters, there’s no telling how far our team can go. It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy that could get on base at the top of our order. Typically, that’s what you need in a leadoff hitter: to get on base. Hopefully Jimmy will get on base for us.”

Manuel would later add that Rollins needs to “get his ass on base.”