“Judging by the way he held the football with both hands, we started to wonder if he had ever touched a football before,” said one non-football expert witness of the football expert. “Then he tried to throw it and we didn’t wonder anymore.”

Clayton, who recently ranked Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb 24th out of 32 NFL quarterbacks, was inducted into the writers’ wing of the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2007, a full three years before touching an actual football for the first time.

“I think it’s hard not to get distracted by having to go up there and hit every night,” Manuel said when asked if Werth’s hitting could be a distraction from thinking about all the money he’s going to make as a free agent. “He’s been in the zone lately, completely focused on signing a long-term deal this winter. But sometimes his mind just wanders to working the count or how many outs there are.”

Werth spoke Thursday about Manuel’s comments and reiterated that his focus is on hitting the market and nothing else.

“I bust my hump out there every day trying to imagine what it would be like to own a small island with the money I’m going to make,” Werth said angrily. “Thinking about who has the ball is the last thing on my mind, I can promise you that.”

“We’ll be fine,” Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins said of the team’s offensive drought. “We just need to improve in situations against pitchers that throw pitches. We’re not concerned though.”

Manager Charlie Manuel said Tuesday that while he does not plan on benching any players if the drought continues, he will continue to pinch hit for rookie Domonic Brown “in any future situations against pitching.”

“Yep, there it is again. It’s apparently still breaking news,” reported one source that originally thought something new was about to break when the red ‘breaking news’ heading showed up on the ESPN ticker. “After 159 hours, should that even be considered regular news?”

The story first appeared over six days ago as an important news story and while it should have been switched to a ‘developing story’ soon thereafter, ESPN elected to continue to report the story as breaking news because they’re ESPN and that’s what they do.

Bar sources indicate that Drew at Chickie’s and Pete’s may pressure the FCC to “set some rules or something because this is ridiculous.”

“This is usually around the time when they get hot,” each struggling Phillies hitter said of the other. “I just think everyone is pressing right now, but we’ll get it together like we always do. And when I say ‘we’, I mean someone else.”

Phillies hitters went on to say that if some other hitter doesn’t get hot, then they are fully confident some other team will collapse to get the Phillies in the playoffs.

“Either way, it should be fun to just sit back and watch,” Phillies hitters added.

“Donovan uses his cankles more than most quarterbacks, so this is bound to happen,” said head coach Mike Shanahan. “He’s walking on the treadmill and should be up and wobbling on two healthy cankles in no time.”

The injury is just the latest in a series of setbacks for McNabb, who sat out the last half of an August 13 game against the Bills with sore breasts.

The report comes one day after umpire Scott Barry lost control during a game between the Phillies and Astros and mocked Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard after a check swing strike call, but due to lack of an umpire to control the unprofessional behavior of umpires, he was not ejected from the game.

According to the report, the new umpires will police existing umpires by making calls of ‘safe’ or ‘out’ after umpires signal ‘safe’ or ‘out’, in addition to ejecting umpires for unruly behavior. The report also details plans to employ more umpires to keep the newly hired umpires in line, if needed.

Many have already criticized the new plans, saying that umpires are about as useful as a malignant tumor given the advances in technology during the 1960s to quickly replay tape to confirm that a baserunner was safe or out or if a ball was fair or foul. However, it appears baseball is fully committed to preserving its place as the former national pastime of the 19th century.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig was unable to confirm the report, but according to league sources, “this sounds like some shit he would probably do.”

“He’s been one of our best hitters this year,” said Manuel of Ruiz, who is third on the team in batting average (.297) and second in on-base percentage (.389) and bats in front of the pitcher on most nights. “We’re just lucky to have such a great, clutch hitter at the very bottom of our lineup.”

When informed by the home plate umpire that he could not bat Ruiz 12th in the lineup, Manuel stated he was “totally fine with 11th, then.”

“I know I didn’t forget my toothbrush,” Brent Celek reassured himself as he left training camp. “Or did I?”

Team sources said that each player swore up and down that they packed everything but, for some reason, they just know their good belt is sitting right on the floor.

Head coach Andy Reid finally realized twenty minutes into the trip back home that he forgot to pack wide receiver Hank Baskett, but stated that he “could always buy a new one.”

“It’s getting late in the season and the trade deadline has past, so our options are limited right now,” said general manager Ruben Amaro. “I hope this kid can play.”

The Phillies, who considered trading for help at second base just last month, have used Wilson Valdez at the position and even moved Placido Polanco over from third base to try and solve the growing problem up the middle. Now out of options, the team will rely on Utley to carry the load for the rest of the season.

“Hopefully, Utley will give us a guy we can count on for this year and possibly into the future,” said Jimmy Rollins. “But, we don’t want to put too much pressure on the guy. Whatever he can give us is fine.”

Sources close to the Phillies indicate that the team will now turn its attention to filling another void by acquiring left-handed first baseman Ryan Howard.