“At least five times a day, we have to tell him to ‘go like this’,” Jimmy Rollins said, motioning his hand to wipe around his mouth. “But he just tries to change the subject every time. He’s very particular about talking about his beard, even if it’s covered in day-old Fruit Loops.”

As of press time, Werth had reportedly eaten at least two hot dogs and may have even more shit in his beard.

“Ten years from now, we could be talking about Shawn as one of the greatest Tweeters of all time,” said a Twitter head coach. “The talent is certainly there, but he’s just not making the best use of the 140-character limit each time he updates his status.”

Some Twitter officials have estimated that Andrews is Tweeting at nearly a quarter of his potential after watching film of Andrews’ dominant Tweeting early on in his career as compared to now.

“I’ve seen the guy do things with 140-characters that most guys couldn’t do with 500,” said one Twitter executive. “Some people blame off-the-screen distractions, like his involvement in pro football, for the lack of focus. I’d rather he focus on his Tweets, but if he wants to continue to play football, he’s a grown man. Let him play.”

“Whoever wrote the erroneous report could have at least used a real player if they wanted to look credible,” said Amaro, who was photographed in 2007 with Pujols, so we all know he’s lying his ass off. “I think if this phantom ballplayer existed, we would have at least had a conversation or two about a possible trade. I mean, if we didn’t discuss every possible deal we could make to improve our team, I wouldn’t be doing my job. But we keep our discussions to real players, not figments of baseball writers’ imaginations.”

Although Amaro continues to deny the existence of the three-time MVP Award winner, he said such a player would be a great addition to the Phillies, if he was real.

“Why would I not want a guy that was hypothetically a 13th-round draft pick in 1999 that almost won the NL MVP two years later without the help of performance enhancing drugs?” Amaro added. “But that scenario isn’t possible. It’s all made up. There is no such thing as an Albert Pujols.”

“I think Hank is a great addition to our cast,” said former Hollywood producer Jeffrey Lurie. “He’ll play the role of the reserve wide receiver that dreams of winning the big game for his team, but can’t ever catch a break, or a ball.”

Baskett may be best known for his role as Kendra Wilkinson’s husband on the TV show Kendra, but flopped in an attempt to branch out on his own as a hero in Super Bowl XLIV.

“Everyone always just assumed that since I was a tall black guy, that I knew how to play basketball,” Jordan said on Wednesday. “Once I got older, people just assumed I was some wise, old basketball coach. One thing led to another and here I am about to get fired from a job I have no idea how I got in the first place.”

Several NBA teams have already expressed interest in hiring Jordan as a head coach should he be fired from the Sixers, though Jordan will likely return to his career as a below-average, yet sought-after tax attorney.

“You ever wake up in the middle of the night feenin’ for a Snicker’s wrapper?” Iverson said on Tuesday. “Not the Snicker’s…not a Snicker’s. I’m talkin’ ’bout the wrapper. Well, that’s where I am right now.”

Iverson said that while he suffered from his addictions well before he was ever drafted by the 76ers in 1996, the money he made only made things worse for him and his family.

“When I was just a broke kid, I couldn’t do much to feed my habit for diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Iverson. “But signing that first contract kind of enabled me and made that habit a lot worse. The money did help my addiction to ‘broke’ though. At least temporarily.”

Iverson mentioned that although he suffered from addictions to Curling and Mongolia, it was his dependence on professional basketball and the city of Philadelphia that impacted him the most.

The press conference almost certainly means that McNabb has played his last game as an Eagle, but head coach Andy Reid is still downplaying the situation, saying that McNabb will stay with the Eagles as his quarterback.

“I haven’t changed my opinion at all,” Reid said while watching McNabb clean out his locker with a 49ers hat on. “Donovan will be with the Eagles as our starting quarterback. Period. I don’t know when signing a contract with another team became a signal that you had left your team, but that means nothing to me. People will always speculate about this stuff, but the only thing that matters is that I say Donovan is an Eagle, even if I’m literally the only one still saying that.”

Santana threw 40 pitches, including his signature slider, to living, breathing humans in front of much of the Mets’ brass Thursday afternoon.  Of his progress, Santana seemed pleased. “It felt great to throw to animate objects.  I’m not sure where we found actual hitters, but credit the organization for the creative recovery idea.”

The lifeless hitters, however, should present an entirely different challenge for Santana.  “I had assumed when they said ‘lifeless batters’ that it was a jab at David Wright for his lack of power, but apparently, they have me throwing to actual dead guys.”

Mets’ General Manager Omar Minaya has insisted this is the crucial step to get Santana game ready.  “We are pleased with Johan today, but he still has a long way to go.  We want to take it slowly, so he likely won’t face any good lifeless batters over the weekend.  Is Gregg Jefferies alive?”

“Depending on the reactions of the deceased, Johan could be ready for opening day.”

“He was every bit as amazing as we thought he’d be,” Raul Ibanez said of Roy Halladay’s performance. “To go out there and retire 12 batters on one pitch is just sick.”

The only baserunner allowed during Halladay’s 19-inning outing came on a throwing error by Placido Polanco in the first inning. Polanco would later apologize to Halladay and praised his new teammate for an impressive no-pitch performance that killed at least five Yankees.

“What’s fair is fair,” Lurie said on Wednesday. “We paid him to play football, not get hurt and go to continual doctors visits, chiropractic appointments, physical therapy, you name it. I don’t know what he expected, but these bills aren’t going to pay themselves.”

The Eagles say a large balance remains on several bills stemming from a concussion suffered by Westbrook  last season. According to the team, Westbrook should be happy they are only asking for fifty percent.

“Brian needs to understand most employers don’t pay a cent towards an employee’s medical bills other than what they contribute to insurance coverage,” Lurie continued. “So, technically, we’re already doing him a huge favor by paying half.”