“We don’t have a ‘go-to’ guy,” Sixers fan Dwayne Herbor explained during his standard drunken post game analysis on the subway. “Hell, we don’t even have an ‘angry second-in-command’ guy. I’d settle for a ‘shows flashes of brilliance, but then leaves a loaded gun in his locker’ guy. Hey, have you seen my kids? One of them’s got asthma or leukemia or something.”

Truly, there has not been a heavy-hitting Sixers star since Allen Iverson, and in this new NBA season, the Sixers have asked young 2010 second round draft pick Evan Turner to step into the role by next Friday.

Turner has taken a bench role since joining the team, slowly acclimating himself with professional play. However, the Sixers feel the time for him to evolve into an elite, impossibly-talented franchise icon begins now.

“I’ll be honest, I have plays drawn up that begin with Evan stealing the ball from Kobe Bryant and end with him slamming a flaming basketball in the net, like in NBA Jam,” Sixers head coach Doug Collins admits. “Some guys say it’s a little too specific to start a play that involves a certain player on another team, but what if Kobe is traded tomorrow? Then who’s going to look like a genius?”

Some worry that it may be a bit too much pressure to put on their young player, but those people have been quick to be labeled “cowards” and “nonbelievers,” and removed from the organization.

Turner was called into the office of Sixers owner Adam Aron on Tuesday for a “critical meeting on team objectives.” The second year guard was the sole player invited and appeared extremely nervous.

Upon exiting, Turner appeared “…crushed, as if the weight of several worlds had just been placed on his young shoulders,” explained one front office insider. “Any hint of youthful exuberance was completely gone. His eyes were so dead I almost called an ambulance.”

Ovechkin and Pronger join Claude Giroux and 16 recently acquired superstars, including Jarome Iginla, Patrick Kane and Daniel Sedin, on the list of Flyers either lost for the season or out indefinitely with concussions.

“We’re not having the best of luck keeping our star guys healthy right now,” said Flyers general manager Paul Holmgren. “But what happened to Alex…it’s just one of those freak things. Nothing you can do about a bus coming into your house like that. It happens.”

According to team sources, the Flyers rejected a deal late Thursday to acquire Lightning forward Steven Stamkos for fear of any further injuries and advised current Flyers players against standing out in any way to avoid the IR and possibly death.

“They think we’ll get dropped by the Dolphins?” South Philly resident Andrew Butcher exclaimed from the comfort of his Randall Cunningham jersey on Wednesday.  “Ha ha ha, no way.  The Dolphins blow ass.”

Butcher, though admitting he spends most Sundays “passed out, face deep in pussy” went on to describe the Dolphins as a “bunch of lame fucks” who “don’t even have a quarterback or whatever.”

“Maybe you haven’t seen the papers, but the Eagles are going to the Superbowl!!” Butcher continued, emphasizing the latter half of his statement in hopes of garnering cheers by passersby on the street.  “Come on, we got Jenkins, Asomugha, Shady, DeSean, muthafuckin’ Vick—Dude, we got everybody.”

Requiring several instances of explanations and enthusiastic pointing to believe the Eagles’ collapse, Butcher soon retreated into his home alone, where he overcooked some spaghetti and fell asleep in a stained recliner with a vibrating Xbox controller in his lap after guzzling six Natural Lights.

The bold personnel move comes in the wake of the second attack on an Eagles coach by McCoy this season, when the running back attempted to knock down Offensive Line Coach Howard Mudd after being taken out of the game against Dallas. This latest attack comes just two weeks after McCoy viciously gut-punched Andy Reid in the stomach during a game against the Washington Redskins.

“I’m a pretty old man, and I just had hip surgery this past week,” Mudd commented later, “For him to hurl his body at me like that… [it] could’ve killed me. I was terrified.”

Banner explained to those at the press conference that McCoy would not be allowed within 10 feet of any members of the Eagles coaching staff, and that a violation of this policy or any perceived threat of violence would be met with “necessary force”.

“We looked into several options,” Banner said, “among others we were considering were chaining LeSean to a bench while the offense was on the sidelines, as well as having a sniper armed with tranquilizer darts trained on him at all times, waiting for him to get too close to a coach. We may look into those options at a later date.”

Though the jar has several signs attached to it reading “Tips”, “Where my money?” and “Naw, seriously, where my money?”, Jackson downplayed the situation and insists he simply wants to focus on playing football.

“Man, I’m just focused on playing football right now and don’t wanna talk about some tip jar and how I accept any size tip, no matter how small,” Jackson said after Sunday’s 31-13 win over the Rams. “I’m trying to go out there and make plays and if someone likes what they see and wanna put some cash in the jar, then that’s on them. I can’t worry about what other people are doing.”

Jackson scored his first touchdown of the season in the third quarter and proceeded to pick up the tip jar and shake it violently in the air while screaming “Y’all gotta do better than this!”

“Look, as an umpire, there are strict guidelines I have to follow which are clearly outlined in my head before each game,” West said. “I’m just doing my job.”

West made the controversial decision to use replay to decide whether a Hunter Pence double had been interfered with by a fan, which eventually led to Pence being called out. The Phillies played the remainder of the game under protest.

The Phillies went on to lose in 14 innings after West refused to review a play in which outfielder Shane Victorino was called out after hitting a a grand slam too far.

“It’s sad leaving a place you’ve worked for two years,” Vick said of his two-year employment at the Market Street McDonald’s. “But if I had to clean another griddle, I was gonna lose it, so this contract came just in time.”

Though Vick was able to quit his part-time gig at McDonald’s, he will still need to continue his positions at Jiffy Lube and Taco Bell in order to make ends meet after using his new contract to pay off his $100 milllion debt.

Victorino, who had just returned from a serving a two-game suspension, will likely appeal the suspension and could have it reduced to as few as 29 games.

MLB also announced that Washington’s Chien-Ming Wang, Michael Morse, Jayson Werth, Ryan Zimmerman, Ian Desmond, Rick Ankiel, Danny Espinosa, Jesus Flores and Jonny Gomes will not be suspended or fined for throwing several bats and balls at Victorino during the first-inning single.

Jackson, who led the NFL with 22.5 yards per reception last season, is set to earn about $600,000 this season which is significantly less than what the Eagles will pay 28th-string punter Adam Podlesh, who finalized a three-year deal with the Birds last Thursday.

“You know, I could cry and moan after watching over 1700 different guys sign deals with the team I helped lead to the playoffs last season, but I won’t do that,” Jackson said after reporting to camp on Monday after a brief holdout. “I just want to play some football, whether it’s here or with any of the other 31 teams that are looking for a playmaking wideout and every other position on the field.”

The Eagles reportedly have about $7 million in cap space to sign Jackson to a new deal, but according to one team source, the Eagles are close to using that money to sign free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens.

After weeks of speculation, the Phillies finally recalled promising young outfielder Hunter Pence from Triple-A Houston on Friday.

The Phillies were exploring the trade market for a right-handed outfielder to plug into the middle of the order, but ultimately decided to fill the need internally by calling up Pence.

“Since we already had a guy like [Hunter] Pence in our system, we weren’t forced into trading our top prospects to get a guy like Carlos Beltran or Carlos Quentin,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro. “We’ve been successful in the past by calling up guys like Brad Lidge and Roy Oswalt, so we hope Hunter can keep that success going.”

To make room on the roster, the Phillies sent Jarred Cosart, Jonathan Singleton and Josh Zeid down to Houston, though Amaro said he expects Cosart and Singleton to be back up with the parent club in the next few years.

“I explained to both of those guys that it’s only temporary,” said Amaro. “They’re good players and will be back with us soon enough.”