The Phillies are in serious trouble right now, by Joey Bagadonuts

Raul Ibanez can’t hit, Kendrick can’t get anyone out, the Marlins just showed they can beat us, the Braves are right on our tails, Moyer’s old as hell, Jimmy Rollins is hurt, Lidge is stinking it up in the minors and won’t be able to close, Danys Baez and David Herndon can’t hold a lead, J.A. Happ and Joe Blanton are missing starts, Chase Utley stopped hitting homers, the Cardinals have Albert Pujols, Placido Polanco’s average is below .400, nobody’s stealing bases, fans are projectile vomiting on little girls, I still don’t trust Cole Hamels and I’m worried about what’s gonna happen with this team.

One of the first things the Phillies need to do is bench Raul and give Ben Francisco a chance out there. We should be able to trade Raul for some bullpen help, which is what we need anyway. I just don’t know why Charlie keeps putting him in the lineup when he stinks like this. I’m pretty sure Domonic Brown is ready by now. Why don’t we bring him up to take Raul’s place? What’s the hold up here?

The Marlins and Braves are seriously on our ass in the NL East and I think it’s gonna be a serious battle the whole year and there’s a chance we could miss the playoffs. The Marlins just beat us in two out of three games and even though the Braves are hitting .233 as a team right now, when they get going, they’re gonna be dangerous with the pitching staff they have. I just don’t feel right about our chances right now.

There are so many other things we need to fix before we can consider ourselves a real contender in the National League. I’m as optimistic as they come, but I’m freaking out right now. I know we’re only 12 games into the season, but if this isn’t time to hit the panic button, then when is?

Amaro, Phillies flatly deny existence of Albert Pujols

In response to a report of the Phillies having internal discussions about trading Ryan Howard to the St. Louis Cardinals for Albert Pujols, Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro vehemently denied any knowledge of “who or what an Albert Pujols is.”

“Whoever wrote the erroneous report could have at least used a real player if they wanted to look credible,” said Amaro, who was photographed in 2007 with Pujols, so we all know he’s lying his ass off. “I think if this phantom ballplayer existed, we would have at least had a conversation or two about a possible trade. I mean, if we didn’t discuss every possible deal we could make to improve our team, I wouldn’t be doing my job. But we keep our discussions to real players, not figments of baseball writers’ imaginations.”

Although Amaro continues to deny the existence of the three-time MVP Award winner, he said such a player would be a great addition to the Phillies, if he was real.

“Why would I not want a guy that was hypothetically a 13th-round draft pick in 1999 that almost won the NL MVP two years later without the help of performance enhancing drugs?” Amaro added. “But that scenario isn’t possible. It’s all made up. There is no such thing as an Albert Pujols.”

MLB adopts new ‘Most Valuable Jeter’ award

In an effort to finally award Derek Jeter for his outstanding effort on the baseball field, Major League Baseball will award its first ever Most Valuable Jeter Award this off-season to the most valuable player in the league with the last name Jeter.

“Derek Jeter is invaluable to this league and it’s a shame he has no hardware to show for it,” Commissioner Bud Selig said. “Statistics don’t always tell the story of how valuable a player is. With players like Derek Jeter, you have to use other factors, like his last name.”

Last week, Jeter passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader in Yankee history with his 2,722nd base knock, but he has been snubbed each of his previous 14 seasons as the league’s Most Valuable Player.

According to the criteria set forth by the Commissioner’s office, Jeter is the front runner to win the first ever award. Through Monday’s games, the Yankee shortstop leads all eligible players in over 60 different statistical categories.

“If he’s the leader in 60 different statistical categories, then I guess he deserves the award,” said fellow Yankee Mark Teixeira, who leads the AL with 111 RBIs and is second with 35 home runs. “Home runs and RBIs may fill up the stat sheet, but Jete’s got something like 295 intangibles this season. Most of us are walking around with zero and this guy has 295. It’s time to get this guy some hardware.”

An award will be given out in both the American and National Leagues, although no clear cut candidate has emerged from the National League as of yet. While Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols have led their respective teams to potential playoff berths, neither appear to have the last name Jeter, which is the central criteria for the award.

Manny’s ovarian issues highlight growing problem in MLB

Manny Ramirez will be suspended for 50 games after using a women’s fertility drug prescribed by his doctor. The Dodgers outfielder has apparently struggled alongside countless other women in this country with pregnancy issues, which places Ramirez on the growing list of major league players now known to have lady bits.

Ramirez has repeatedly denied use of any performance enhancing drugs, but will not appeal the suspension and subsequent loss of $7.7 million in salary “out of respect to the system, and let’s be real here … I was gonna hang it up for at least 50 games this season anyway, so it kinda works out,” according to Ramirez.

Alex Rodriguez was also recently caught with his vag showing by denying steroid use on national television in 2007 and admitting to steroid use on national television two years later this past February.

Rodriguez and Ramirez are only part of a larger, growing list of high-profile athletes that have traded in their jocks for tampons, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. Each player was once thought to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, but will now be denied entrance by baseball writers due to their lack of any semblance of male reproductive organs.

“These guys masqueraded around for years like they were in the same boat as greats like Mays, Aaron and Ted Williams, but one by one we’re finding out the truth about these frauds,” said LA Times writer Bill Plaschke. “It’s not so much the fact that they have snatches that really bothers me about it … just the fact that they lied about it this whole time, you know what I mean?”

Albert Pujols is expected to be named to the list in the coming days or years, at which time Major League Baseball will officially be forced to erase 96.2% of its record book from 1994 to 2007.