ESPN Belichick and ESPNBelichick.com will feature vomit-inducing over-analysis of every decision made by the Patriots coach, from game calls to choosing between looking like a bum or a total bum on the sidelines.

“Bill Belichick is the premier head coach in the premier sports league in the premier country on the premier planet of our galaxy,” said Sportscenter anchor Robert Flores. “I’m pretty sure the most important person in our galaxy deserves at least one channel and a website, so this is the least we could do.”

Not everyone is pleased with the all-Belichick network and many have questioned why Belichick’s 4th-and-2 call was given so much attention in the first place.

“Belichick makes one questionable decision during a game and all the sudden he gets his own network,” Eagles head coach Andy Reid noted on Tuesday. “I consistently make at least three bad decisions before I even get out of bed in the morning and at least six dozen during the first quarter alone. That’s gotta be worth something, I think.”

Reid announced to reporters that he had lost 75 pounds over the past three months on the Medifast plan, though members of the media initially took it as a joke and laughed uncontrollably for about 17 minutes straight.

“Coach didn’t lose any weight, he’s just getting desperate out there,” said cornerback Asante Samuel. “Even if it was true, that’s like losing a brick on a pyramid. He’s a large human being either way.”