Blanton to become next shameless, product-hocking Phillie
After being swept by the Blue Jays, Orioles and Braves over the past few weeks, the Phillies finally played to their potential against David Wright, Johan Santana and a medley of boobs to earn a three-game sweep.
With all of the recent sweepage going on, Proctor and Gamble took the opportunity to sign Joe Blanton as their new Swiffer pitch man. Blanton will follow Cole Hamels, Ryan Howard and Cole Hamels again (in that awkward ESPN the Magazine commercial I can’t find a clip for) as the latest Phillie to simultaneously peddle a product and embarrass his team and fans when his commercial debuts sometime soon.
Werth comes clean about seething hatred for Blue Jays, hipsters
Entering this season, Jayson Werth had hit three home runs in five career games against the Blue Jays. Then came the series earlier this month against the Jays where he hit three home runs in three games and the questions started rolling in.
“People started to ask me if I held some kind of grudge against the Blue Jays,” said Werth on Monday. “I lied and said I was just getting hot at the right time.”
Fast forward to the most recent series against the Jays where the rightfielder was 6-for-8 with two homers and five walks in the three-game set. After Sunday’s game, Werth finally explained that the increased production was no coincidence.
“It has a lot to do with my hatred of hipsters,” said an obviously agitated Werth. “Think about it . . . if hipsters were birds, they would probably look like Blue Jays. They’re both just flashy for no damn reason at all and sound like dying kittens when they talk. It gets under my skin, which may explain my numbers against Toronto.”
The Phillies will head to Atlanta to take on the Braves starting on Tuesday. Joe Blanton — who is coming off of an excellent seven-inning, 10 strikeout performance — will start for the Phils and face Kenshin Kawakami.