Diva pouts his way out of Denver, sashays to Chicago for Orton and picks
The Denver Broncos have at long last dumped their prima donna QB on the Chicago Bears in exchanged for QB Kyle Orton and three draft picks. The Broncos will receive the 18th overall pick and a third round selection in this year’s draft, a first round pick in next year’s draft and the peace of mind in knowing the level of estrogen in the locker room will return to null.
“What a diva wants, a diva gets,” said Cutler following the trade. “If I wanted to stay here, I would still be a Bronco…but the diva did not want. No, no…the diva did not want.”
The deal was the result of months of a back and forth “she said, she said” between new Broncos coach Josh McDaniels and the diva. McDaniels inquired about a possible trade for then Patriots QB Matt Cassel and once word got back to the diva, he “wasn’t havin’ none of that” so he put his heels down and demanded a trade.
The Redskins were among the teams rumored to be interested in dealing for the disgruntled QB, but couldn’t match the arsenal of picks and show-stopping talent of Kyle Orton to get a deal done. Jason Campbell would have been the centerpiece of any deal between Denver and Washington.
“Yeah, I heard all the stuff about the front office trying to get Cutler and they even told me ‘yo, Jason…if we get the chance to get Cutler, we’re probably going to trade you since he’s kinda better than you’,” said Campbell. “I was like, ‘cool man, handle your business’…and that was the end of it.”
Cutler starts chain reaction pissing off pretty much every NFL quarterback
Jay Cutler’s rift with the Broncos and new head coach Josh McDaniels is more far-reaching than anyone could have anticipated. Cutler’s recent request to be traded has allegedly piqued the Washington Redskins’ interest in the third-year Vanderbilt product, which has in turn angered current ‘Skins QB Jason Campbell.
Campbell then proceeded to request a trade of his own early on Sunday and has drawn interest from the Baltimore Ravens, which caused rookie QB Joe Flacco to shit a brick and demand a trade. As of 9:23 PM EDT on Sunday, nearly every NFL quarterback had a trade request filed with their respective team, with the lone exception of Donovan McNabb since the Eagles wouldn’t dream of replacing their li’l Don-Don.
“I had no idea all of this stuff would happen when I asked to be traded,” said Cutler. “But I don’t want to be somewhere where you can just wake up one day and the new jerk-face coach can just entertain the idea of trading you to some other team. I just have to get out of here before this fool decides to do something else crazy, like take away our locker room Wii and send us to bed with no dessert.”
Outrage over loss of beloved Philly sports icon drives Buckhalter to regret deal
Former Eagles tailback Correll Buckhalter released a statement today expressing his regret over signing a 4-year deal with the Broncos after hearing the outcry from Philly fans saddened and angered by the loss of a long-time Eagle.
“I had no idea the fans cared about me this much,” said Buckhalter in his statement. “After I signed the deal, I heard something on the news about ‘Philly fans in uproar after sports icon leaves for Denver, details at 11′ and I knew immediately I made a huge mistake.”
The new Bronco was later told that the news story was actually referring to13-year veteran safety Brian Dawkins, who had also signed with the Broncos, and not about himself. When reached for comment, Buckhalter said he would make sure to “stick around for those details at 11″ the next time around.
The loss of the Eagles heart and soul has left a void in the core of every Eagles fan and a several trillion four-letter words in the ears of Eagles management.
“They don’t even have the right to be called the Eagles anymore the way they’ve disgraced this franchise,” said disgruntled Eagles fan Angelo Formerfanelli. “They should be called the Fake-Eagles, or Feagles, or Wannabeagles.”