Report: Buckhalter news first of many former Eagle bombshells; L.J. on deck

It turns out that the recent accusation by a local drug dealer that former Eagles runningback Correll Buckhalter was one of his clients will be the first of many scandalous nuggets the Eagles will disclose in the coming weeks about their former players. According to a source close to the Eagles, the list includes Brian Dawkins, L.J. Smith, Tra Thomas and that part-time guy that got fired for no damn reason will be named in a potentially damaging report detailing sketchy behavior that was often covered up by the organization.

“I can’t say much at the moment but more will be known in the coming days,” the source told PhillyGameday.com. “I will say that we’re close to releasing a story about L.J. Smith’s addiction to Guitar Hero that led to his complete separation from reality and any awareness that he was actually a member of the National Football League and the Phildelphia Eagles for the past several years.”

UPDATE: The Eagles have released a statement noting that former Eagles safety Brian Dawkins was, in fact, born with trace amounts of the metal adamantium throughout his skeletal system. The report goes on to say that there was actually zero effort to keep the future Hall of Famer in Philadelphia and that Eagles President Joe Banner’s constant lying has actually caused his penis to invert to the point where he is now medically an extremely fugly chic.

Outrage over loss of beloved Philly sports icon drives Buckhalter to regret deal

Former Eagles tailback Correll Buckhalter released a statement today expressing his regret over signing a 4-year deal with the Broncos after hearing the outcry from Philly fans saddened and angered by the loss of a long-time Eagle.

“I had no idea the fans cared about me this much,” said Buckhalter in his statement. “After I signed the deal, I heard something on the news about ‘Philly fans in uproar after sports icon leaves for Denver, details at 11′ and I knew immediately I made a huge mistake.”

The new Bronco was later told that the news story was actually referring to13-year veteran safety Brian Dawkins, who had also signed with the Broncos, and not about himself. When reached for comment, Buckhalter said he would make sure to “stick around for those details at 11″ the next time around.

The loss of the Eagles heart and soul has left a void in the core of every Eagles fan and a several trillion four-letter words in the ears of Eagles management.

“They don’t even have the right to be called the Eagles anymore the way they’ve disgraced this franchise,” said disgruntled Eagles fan Angelo Formerfanelli. “They should be called the Fake-Eagles, or Feagles, or Wannabeagles.”