This World Series stuff is getting pretty old, says nobody

The Phillies will make their second trip to the World Series in as many years and while most fans are once again overjoyed and totally hung over with Phils Phever, one fan can’t seem to get into this most recent title run.

“I just can’t get excited this time around,” says nobody, a business manager from Doylestown. “It’s like it happens every year now where someone steps up big every night to completely obliterate the heart and soul of some opposing team that everyone outside of this area wanted to see win instead of the Phillies. How is that exciting?”

Nobody went on to say that if the Phillies end up topping the Yankees for their third World Championship in franchise history and second straight World Phuckin Championship, that he may stop watching the Phillies altogether and follow the Philadelphia Union or something.

Guy can’t remember where he was during game-winning hit

While almost everyone will be able to remember where they were when Jimmy Rollins created one of the most memorable moments in Philly sports history, one local man can’t, for the life of him, recall where he was at the time.

“I want to say I was sitting somewhere in my kitchen, but we don’t even have a TV in there,” said Stephen Pastora of Ardmore. “I noticed that my couch was flipped upside down and there was a half-eaten sandwich stuck to the wall in my family room, so maybe that’s where I was.”

Rollins hit a two-out double off of Jonathan Broxton in the bottom of the ninth, scoring Eric Bruntlett and Carlos Ruiz to give the Phillies the 5-4 win and a commanding 3-1 series lead over the Dodgers in the NLCS.

“Jimmy came up huge for us when we really needed him,” Charlie Manuel said after the game. “I don’t think he’s there yet, but if he works on getting on base a little more, he could win an MVP or two some day.”

Phils end 126-year drought, win 2009 Trade Deadline

The Philadelphia Phillies are winners of the 2009 Trade Deadline for the first time in franchise history. The Phils clenched the title with the surprise acquisition of Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco in exchange for dinner scraps, pocket lint, $14 in Monopoly money and Carlos Carrasco.

The Phillies effort in trading for Joe Blanton last season came up short as the Dodgers ultimately came away with the title by trading for Manny Ramirez and his defective lady bits.

Historically, the Phils have helped other teams secure Trading Deadline titles by dealing players like Curt Schilling (to the Diamondbacks) and Scott Rolen (to the Cardinals). Between the two deals, the Phils netted what amounted to a large bushel of pubes while the Diamondbacks and Cardinals both won World Series shortly after each respective deal.

Special red carpet finally allows Manny to ditch spikes

Manny Ramirez’s dream of finally being able to play baseball in his tube socks has become a reality now that MLB’s drug policy has encouraged red carpet treatment for outed steroid users.

Ramirez was cheered on by fans during his minor league ‘rehab assignment’ upon return from his 50-game suspension. When he finally re-joined the Dodgers, Fox took it upon themselves to interrupt their broadcast of the Phillies and Mets to showcase each of Ramirez’s at bats against the Padres. Then there’s the Steve Phillips incident where the failed Mets GM-turned-failed-analyst gushed over how big Ramirez was during a workout session.

MLB eventually approved the red carpet for Ramirez to show their gratitude for enduring the 50-game suspension and setting the example for why it doesn’t pay to take steroids, make a ton of money, get caught, get cheered on by fans you never knew existed, play for a couple more years and retire on a beach somewhere.

Rollins extends pop-up streak in bizarre, nut-kicking loss to Dodgers

Jimmy Rollins extended his historic pop-up streak to one too many games and in a completely unrelated story, the Phils suffered a tough 4-3 loss to the Dodgers, ending their 7-game win-streak.

Brad Lidge took the loss in a bizarre ninth inning where he recorded two quick outs then loaded the bases with the next three batters after getting ahead with 1-2 counts on each of them. Casey Blake singled, James Loney walked and then came the real bizarre play where Pedro Feliz booted a Russell Martin grounder. Andre Ethier then busted one to the right field fence, ending the game.

Lost in the fray was Jamie Moyer’s second straight quality start. Not lost in the fray was Rollins’ continued egg-laying atop the Phils order.

“If it would help the team to drop me in the batting order, you best believe I’d do it,” Rollins told reporters after the game. “As the vocal team leader and most recent MVP winner on the squad, I have to admit when I’m struggling. And when that day comes when I realize I’m struggling, you’ll be the first to know.”

Ruiz walking around all smug after extending hot streak to two games

Carlos Ruiz raised his batting average by nearly 100 points in two days after turning in back-to-back 2-for-2 performances.

Ruiz entered Wednesday’s contest with a .161 average and left Thursday’s game with a robust .257 mark. ‘Chooch’ also walked twice in each game, which raised his OBP from .278 to .409.

Teammates have noted that the seemingly insignificant streak has started to affect Ruiz’s clubhouse behavior.

“He’s going around asking everybody what their batting averages are over the past two games,” said Ryan Howard, who happens to be batting .000 in that period. “And before you can get it out, he’s like ‘No one cares ’cause it’s definitely not 1.000 like mine is’.”

Jimmy Rollins, who responded with a 1-for-5 night after being placed back in the leadoff spot, also felt the sting of Ruiz’s braggadocio after Thursday’s game.

“I was really about to go upside Chooch’s head a minute ago,” Rollins said. “He said something like ‘Dawg . . . can you remember the last time one of these raggedy-ass pitchers actually got me out? ‘Cause I just can’t seem to recall.’”

In the latest World Series-related distraction that the Phils really don’t need, the team visited President Obama at the White House today and will take on the Nationals tonight at 7:05. Joe Blanton will try and get the Phils back in the win column as he faces off against John Lannan.

Werth's omen leads to four stolen bases; Phils take Game 1 of NLCS rematch

Jayson Werth tied a franchise record with four steals for the Phils, including a steal of home in the seventh inning to cap a 5-3 win over the Dodgers.

Werth would later credit his explosion on the basepaths to a visit from legendary ballplayer Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous in a dream the night before.

“He gave me the ‘Everybody gets one chance to do something great’ speech, went on and on about how much of a nag Wendy Peffercorn turned out to be and that was pretty much it,” Werth said after the game. “I just took it as an omen to put my PF Flyers on.”

Jamie Moyer will get the call for the Phils and will face ex-Phillie Randy Wolf on Wednesday night in Game 2 of the three-game set.