Donovan McNabb rescued from city of Philadelphia
After 11 agonizing years in a Philadelphia labor camp, mistreated quarterback Donovan McNabb is now safe after being rescued by the Washington Redskins.
According to many national reports, McNabb was originally taken against his will by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1999 and sold into forced labor where he suffered through years of abuse by brutish locals, never getting the respect he deserved.
“First of all, we’re just glad to say that he is now out of harm’s way,” said Daniel Snyder, the Redskins owner who led McNabb’s rescue attempt out of the treacherous city. “The entire nation watched for over a decade as McNabb was treated like some sort of Gladiator sent into an arena to please a crowd. They want to see him finish the job instead of just being satisfied with making it as far as he did every year. They’re all savages. Every last one of them.”
The Redskins were able to secure McNabb’s release in exchange for a couple draft picks, which the Eagles will likely use to take more unsuspecting college kids from their families.
Although the national media reports are distinctly one-sided, many local Philadelphians have given conflicting reports of McNabb’s treatment while with the Eagles.
“I actually liked the guy and thought he was good for the team,” said one sober townsperson who was immediately dismissed from commenting any further.
McNabb could not be reached for comment, but his agent said that he is glad to “finally leave the only fan base in the universe that would ever ‘boo’ a draft pick or criticize a player for his poor performance on the field.”
Rams, Cardinals, Eagles reporting no interest in McNabb
The Arizona Cardinals have reportedly joined the St. Louis Rams and Philadelphia Eagles among the teams with little to no interest in quarterback Donovan McNabb.
Though all three teams were rumored to have some level of interest in the Pro Bowler, each team has come forward this week to deny any such rumors.
“There’s nothing to any of that,” Eagles head coach Andy Reid said of the Eagles’ reported interest in McNabb. “We’re not involved in that.
“At this time of year there are going to be all kinds of things thrown out there. But, no, there’s nothing to it.”
McNabb has expressed interest in wanting to play football somewhere in 2010, but as of press time, none of the 32 NFL teams have come forward with any interest whatsoever.
Trade talk heats up after McNabb spotted playing for 49ers
The buzz surrounding a possible trade of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb should heat up after the Pro Bowler was seen being introduced as the San Francisco 49ers new quarterback.
The press conference almost certainly means that McNabb has played his last game as an Eagle, but head coach Andy Reid is still downplaying the situation, saying that McNabb will stay with the Eagles as his quarterback.
“I haven’t changed my opinion at all,” Reid said while watching McNabb clean out his locker with a 49ers hat on. “Donovan will be with the Eagles as our starting quarterback. Period. I don’t know when signing a contract with another team became a signal that you had left your team, but that means nothing to me. People will always speculate about this stuff, but the only thing that matters is that I say Donovan is an Eagle, even if I’m literally the only one still saying that.”
Drew Brees replaces Donovan McNabb on Super Bowl roster
Drew Brees has been named this year’s replacement for Donovan McNabb on the NFC Super Bowl roster due to McNabb’s participation in the upcoming Pro Bowl LXXI.
“I think being able to play in the Super Bowl game is a great honor,” said McNabb, who made his first and only appearance in 2005. “But it doesn’t compare to the Pro Bowl. This will be the sixth time for me and it never gets old.”
Brees will be making his first trip to the Super Bowl game and hopes to represent McNabb better than last year’s replacement, Kurt Warner.
“I’m honored to be able to take McNabb’s spot and hope to play as well as I know he would if he were able to make it,” Brees said on Wednesday. “Maybe next year I’ll actually make it to the Pro Bowl and McNabb will be my replacement. That would really be something.”
McNabb not among Romosexuals’ 2010 fantasy keepers
Romosexuals team owner Mike Godfrey announced he will likely drop Donovan McNabb from his fantasy team after nearly a decade of holding onto the quarterback as a keeper.
“I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not going to win a fantasy championship with Donovan McNabb as my quarterback,” said Godfrey, an avid Eagles fan. “As much as I’ve appreciated what he’s done for the Romosexuals over the years, this is a business decision and it’s time to move on.”
Godfrey also announced that Ray Rice will stay with the team and will likely announce his second and final keeper when everyone meets over Eric’s house for the Super Bowl.
Eagles lose 392-7, reports guy who quit watching at halftime
The Eagles are just assumed to have lost to the Cowboys in Saturday’s wildcard matchup, though no one in the entire Tri-State area actually watched the end of the game to confirm the final outcome or score.
A local man named Jerry Cole reported Sunday morning that the score was “probably 392-7 or some s–t like that.”
“I stopped watching at halftime, but that sounds about right,” Cole added.
Another man that threw his television out of his window midway through the third quarter claimed the 392-7 score was grossly inaccurate.
“I probably watched more of the game than anybody, and I’m telling you the final score was about 84-7,” said Greg Alban, who read a book for the remainder of the game after his television was destroyed.
The Cowboys will move on to face the Minnesota Vikings next week while the Eagles will face an exciting offseason that will probably include letting Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook go and signing Plaxico Burress or someone else that will piss off most of the fan base.
Clearly not ready, Eagles call ‘do-over’ against Cowboys
The Eagles took the field on Sunday but were completely caught off guard when the Cowboys started playing the football game before the Eagles were even ready.
“I mean, can we even get set first?” Donovan McNabb asked the Cowboys during the third quarter of the game. “I just don’t think this is fair at all. I call do-over on this. We need a re-do.”
NFL rules dictate that if a team gets shutout by a division rival on the final week of the regular season and is able to actually show their face in public again, then said team is allowed a ‘do-over’. Had the Cowboys called ‘no do-overs’ prior to the game, the Eagles would have had to accept the loss without a ‘re-do’.
“The Cowboys started the game and we clearly weren’t ready,” said Andy Reid on Monday. “It’s against the rules and everybody knows it. I think it’s cheap. I’m just glad Donovan called ‘do-over’. Hopefully they’ll let us get ready this time.”
To cheer or not to cheer for Dawkins? That is the (dumb) question
December 22, 2009 by Zaki
Filed under Analysis & Opinions
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In terms of fan decorum, It’s a no-brainer and the only reason I’m even writing this is because the question is being posed around town: Of course you cheer for Brian Dawkins’ return to the Linc and any Eagles fan that bought a ticket to the game and doesn’t de-ass themselves from their seat should be tossed…from life…immediately.
There’s no possible way to justify letting Dawk go while you take a chance and sign Michael Vick. It’s because of this that cheering on number 20 is just as much a snub to the Eagles front office as it is a “thank you” to the man that represents the Eagles franchise as much as anyone in history.
I’m sure that if the game is close in the fourth quarter and Dawk levels Donovan McNabb to force a fourth down, you may not hear too many cheers outta folks, but this is sports. We watch this stuff for entertainment and for a lot of people, following a favorite player trumps following the team as a whole. I could certainly understand people’s loyalty to the man, even if he’s now playing for the other side.
Hopefully the Birds will stuff the Broncos early so everyone can cheer on Dawk guilt-free for the entire game, though.
DeSean Jackson now doing everything in sixty-yard bursts
Having tied the NFL record for fifty-plus yard touchdowns in a season after adding two more long touchdowns yesterday, DeSean Jackson has begun to take the whole ‘big-play’ thing to extremes, and is compulsively doing everything in sixty yard bursts.
“Did you see my explosiveness from the car to the team facility?” asked Jackson, beaming with pride. “I covered some ground in a hurry. And I went past the security guard like he was standing still. Well, he was, but I went by him really fast.”
Other typically mundane tasks Jackson has been rumored to be turning into a ‘big play’ include getting dressed, shopping, shoveling his driveway and getting the mail.
“I haven’t perfected the big play in public yet,” said Jackson, “but I’ll get there. Last time I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things, I knocked over an entire display of cereal boxes to avoid a little old lady. I’m not opposed to running over a kicker if I have to, but a little old lady is where I draw the line.”
Jackson’s teammates appreciate his propensity for the big play on the field, but think his recent off the field antics have been a bit much.
“If he wants to score on a seventy-yard punt return and dance into the end zone against the Giants, I’m all for it,” said Donovan McNabb. “But when he gets up to use the restroom during film, and weaves in and out of the desks and jumps over empty chairs it’s kind of disruptive.”
Reid’s pick-and-roll, sac bunt calls nearly doom Eagles
The Eagles managed to pull out a 27-24 win over the lowly Redskins despite Andy Reid’s questionable decision to start the game with an onside kick and a third quarter call for Donovan McNabb to bunt the runners over.
Reid and Marty Mornhinweg have been criticized for their unconventional playcalling and overall tendencies toward making things more difficult than they really need to be.
“We don’t pretend to be the geniuses that everyone makes us out to be,” Reid said of himself and Mornhinweg. “But this is football at its highest level. If it was so easy to remember how much time is left or what the score was, don’t you think everyone would do it?”