Kapono already tired of being called ‘our new Korver’
Jason Kapono has only been a 76er for two days now, but has already grown tired of being called ‘this year’s Korver’ and ‘our new white guy that mostly just shoots threes and does little else’.
Kapono and former Sixer Kyle Korver may be the same age, same height, same weight, same position, same catch-and-shoot three-point-shooting style, same first letter in their first name, same amount of NBA experience and same complexion but that’s where the similarities end. Kapono is a two-time NBA All-Star Three-Point Shootout Contest winner, won an actual NBA title with the Heat in 2006 and is currently tied for first with Steve Kerr for the highest career three-point percentage in NBA history at .454.
“We’re overjoyed to finally get our hands on an outside shooter again,” said GM Ed Stefanski. “I just want to make it clear that the Korver comparisons are unfair, though. He’s more like the bizarro Iverson . . . not all that fast, but can shoot his ass off.”
Sixers pass on Johnson, hire Eddie ‘Facepalm’ Jordan as new head coach
The 76ers put an end to their coaching search on Friday by passing on the funneh tawkin’ Avery Johnson to hire Eddie Jordan, close buddy of Sixers GM ‘Special’ Ed Stefanski.
In just over five seasons with the Wizards, Jordan led his team to a very Sixers-like .467 winning-percentage, but with far better talent than the Sixers have had recently.
“I’m looking forward to a new start here in Philadelphia,” said Jordan on Saturday. “I know how pumped everyone is about the coming season, so I’ll do my best to meet their sky-high expectations.”
Brand out for season with severe badfitforteamitis
Sixers forward Elton Brand will shut it down for the remainder of the year due to a pre-existing condition preventing him from being able to run-and-gun with the rest of the team. Sixers GM Ed Stefanski knew of the condition prior to signing the two-time NBA All-Star to a five-year $82 million contract back in July, but went ahead with bringing him in anyway.
“We saw how the life got sucked from the Suns last year when they acquired another sufferer from badfitforteamitis in Shaquille O’Neal, but we were determined to make it work with Brand anyway,” Stefanski said. “I’ve always found that if something doesn’t fit…cram it in there until it does. If it still doesn’t fit, just blame it on someone else.”