Jay Cutler takes heat on sideline from sideline heater

Bears quarterback Jay Cutler did not return to Sunday’s NFC Championship game against the Packers after leaving with a knee injury in the third quarter and was immediately blasted on the sidelines by an intense sideline heater for the rest of the game.

“It got pretty heated, but you’ve gotta give it to Jay because he just stood there and took it without saying a word,” said third-string quarterback Caleb Hanie, who entered Sunday’s game with 14 career NFL passes, but managed to outplay Cutler. “I swear I saw him crack a smile a few times almost like he enjoyed taking that kind of heat more than actually playing in the game.”

After the game, Cutler was then blasted by an indoor heating unit in addition to his teammates, current and former NFL players, local and national media, President Obama and the Democratic Republic of The Congo for not going back in the game

Jay Cutler evades Eagles defender with light jog

Elusive Bears quarterback Jay Cutler slowly turned heads with his split-second decision to break into a comfortable, light jog to avoid an Eagles defender on Sunday.

“Against the Eagles, you have to have the ability to slowly move your feet if you’re going to avoid a sack,” said Bears head coach Lovie Smith. “Sometimes he would stand completely still out there and get nailed, but when he trots to the right, forget about it.”

Several other Bears players were also able to avoid being tackled by Eagles defenders by either wearing shoes, maintaining consciousness or saying “look over there!”

McNabb advises Cutler on how to handle overly affectionate fans

Andy Reid shook up the football world on Sunday by allowing LeSean McCoy to run downfield with a football in his arm for the go-ahead touchdown as the Eagles went on to edge the Bears 24-20. The bigger story came after the game, when Donovan McNabb pulled Jay Cutler aside at midfield to discuss their shared experiences as beloved and well-respected quarterbacks.

Though Cutler leads the NFL with 18 interceptions, the Chicago fan base has rallied behind their quarterback in a way that reminded McNabb of his own fans back in Philly.

“Jay and I have a lot in common…we’re two very fortunate guys,” McNabb said in a post-game interview. “Most fans ‘boo’ when their players screw up, but the way our fans ‘ooo’ and ‘ahh’ just shows how much they love what we do out there. I pulled Jay aside because the Chicago fans have been on his nuts extra hard this season and I just wanted to make sure he stays level-headed about it.”

Diva pouts his way out of Denver, sashays to Chicago for Orton and picks

The Denver Broncos have at long last dumped their prima donna QB on the Chicago Bears in exchanged for QB Kyle Orton and three draft picks. The Broncos will receive the 18th overall pick and a third round selection in this year’s draft, a first round pick in next year’s draft and the peace of mind in knowing the level of estrogen in the locker room will return to null.

“What a diva wants, a diva gets,” said Cutler following the trade. “If I wanted to stay here, I would still be a Bronco…but the diva did not want. No, no…the diva did not want.”

The deal was the result of months of a back and forth “she said, she said” between new Broncos coach Josh McDaniels and the diva. McDaniels inquired about a possible trade for then Patriots QB Matt Cassel and once word got back to the diva, he “wasn’t havin’ none of that” so he put his heels down and demanded a trade.

The Redskins were among the teams rumored to be interested in dealing for the disgruntled QB, but couldn’t match the arsenal of picks and show-stopping talent of Kyle Orton to get a deal done. Jason Campbell would have been the centerpiece of any deal between Denver and Washington.

“Yeah, I heard all the stuff about the front office trying to get Cutler and they even told me ‘yo, Jason…if we get the chance to get Cutler, we’re probably going to trade you since he’s kinda better than you’,” said Campbell. “I was like, ‘cool man, handle your business’…and that was the end of it.”

Cutler starts chain reaction pissing off pretty much every NFL quarterback

Jay Cutler’s rift with the Broncos and new head coach Josh McDaniels is more far-reaching than anyone could have anticipated. Cutler’s recent request to be traded has allegedly piqued the Washington Redskins’ interest in the third-year Vanderbilt product, which has in turn angered current ‘Skins QB Jason Campbell.

Campbell then proceeded to request a trade of his own early on Sunday and has drawn interest from the Baltimore Ravens, which caused rookie QB Joe Flacco to shit a brick and demand a trade. As of 9:23 PM EDT on Sunday, nearly every NFL quarterback had a trade request filed with their respective team, with the lone exception of Donovan McNabb since the Eagles wouldn’t dream of replacing their li’l Don-Don.

“I had no idea all of this stuff would happen when I asked to be traded,” said Cutler. “But I don’t want to be somewhere where you can just wake up one day and the new jerk-face coach can just entertain the idea of trading you to some other team. I just have to get out of here before this fool decides to do something else crazy, like take away our locker room Wii and send us to bed with no dessert.”