Phillies unhappy with performance of new flaccid bats
The Phillies have been using a new line of limp, powerless wood bats for the past two weeks and are fuming over the lack of any pop whatsoever during games.
“We’re still trying to sort through who even ordered these things, but I can tell you I’ve never seen such lifeless bats in my life,” said Phillies equipment manager Stephen Powell. “I ordered our normal bats about a week ago but they still haven’t showed up. I just can’t believe it’s taken this long.”
The Phillies come back home to face the Padres on Friday, when fans will be able to see the completely flaccid bats and even more flaccid offense play for the first time since May 23.
Phillies honor fans by hitting like them for a week
The Phillies’ week-long celebration of their fans continued Thursday as the team once again hit as if they were one of their millions of fans with no professional training on how to hit a baseball.
“I dedicated my four at bats yesterday to the guys at Lee’s Hoagie House in Southampton,” said Jayson Werth, who struck out in three of his four plate appearances, which is probably what guys who run a sandwich joint could have done. “The double play I hit into was dedicated to Steve, who I know played a little ball in high school which is why I actually made some contact.”
Since the start of the celebration last Saturday, the Phillies have lost five straight and were shutout in three straight games by the division-rival Mets. There is no official word on when the team plans to end the tribute, but it will likely continue on Friday against the Marlins as the Phillies will face another mediocre pitcher in Chris Volstad.
Rollins, Werth sustain injuries after running up the score
Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro said he would wait until Wednesday’s game against the Nationals to determine the status of Jimmy Rollins and Jayson Werth, who were both injured while running up the score to historic levels to begin the season.
Though Rollins and Werth have run the score up hundreds of times throughout their careers, it appears neither player was physically ready to handle the early offensive explosion.
“I’ve never walked this many times in such a short period of time,” Jimmy Rollins said of his seven walks in just six games. “It’s just not something I’m conditioned to do.”
Werth left the game before the top of the sixth due to a sore hip flexor he said he aggravated after excessive activity on the base paths.
“It’s a minor injury, but I’m more concerned about how I’ll be affected down the road if we keep scoring like this,” Werth said. “I’ll avoid time on the DL if we could just ease up and win a couple games 2-1 every once in a while.”
With an off-day Tuesday, the Phils have extra time to evaluate the severity of both injuries and determine a more safe and healthy scoring pace for the team as a whole.
Werth, Reggie Jackson meet to discuss Reggie Jackson
The New York Post reported that Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth met with former Yankee Reggie Jackson last Friday for lunch.
On Monday, Werth denied that Jackson tried to recruit him to play for the Yankees next season and insisted that Jackson spent the bulk of the meeting talking about himself, pausing only to ask if Werth could “get at this [bill].”
“I couldn’t get two words in. Not two words,” said Werth of his meeting with Jackson, who is a long-time family friend. “Even if I wanted to talk about playing for [the Yankees] next year, I couldn’t find a break in the conversation to bring it up.”
Jackson, a Yankees official, also met with Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia after the 2008 season in an apparent recruiting visit.
“He went on and on about his days with the Yankees,” Sabathia said of his lunch with Jackson. “He did stop to say ‘slow down, you’re not even chewing’ at one point, but he’s Mr. October, so I just let him keep talking.”
Jayson Werth still refusing to talk about junk in beard
Jayson Werth has made it clear to the media this spring that he does not want to discuss his new-look beard, even if he’s got a bunch of shit in it.
“At least five times a day, we have to tell him to ‘go like this’,” Jimmy Rollins said, motioning his hand to wipe around his mouth. “But he just tries to change the subject every time. He’s very particular about talking about his beard, even if it’s covered in day-old Fruit Loops.”
As of press time, Werth reportedly ate two hot dogs which may have added to the shit in his beard.
Several Phillies caught panhandling for offensive help
A small group of downtrodden Phillies gathered outside of Citizens Bank Park on Thursday to beg for hitting tips to help them through recent hard times at the plate.
Raul Ibanez, who batted .193 with four RBIs in 24 August games, seemed to be the most aggressive among the group of panhandlers.
“Please, I’ll take anything you got right now,” Ibanez said nervously scratching his neck. “You’re telling me you can’t spare a bunt single? Not even a Texas-Leaguer? I know you at least have a couple nubbers you can give me. I’m desperate, baby.”
While Jayson Werth just ended a very productive August in which he hit .284 with seven homers, most of that production has come with the Phils already in the lead or with no one on base.
The All-Star rightfielder joined Ibanez for much of the day outside the ballpark trying to wash car windows for spare clutch hits.
“Most people just told me to [expletive] off,” Werth said. “I just hope they never have to deal with not knowing where or when your next clutch RBI is going to come. It’s a hopeless feeling.”
Philly hit with over three inches of Halladay-generated drool
The mere thought of adding Roy Halladay to the defending World Champions’ roster has left some Philadelphians waist-deep in their own slobber and without power last night.
The situation in the Delaware Valley may get worse before it gets any better as more and more fans realize just how freaking incredible the Phillies would be with Roy Hall-of-Fame-some-a-day atop their rotation.
“I was out at P.J. Welihan’s with my boys talking about the whole Halladay situation,” said Ryan Billings, a South Jersey Phillies fan. “The next thing we know, everybody in the bar is talking about it and we’re all wallowing in our own saliva. Sounds really gross, but we didn’t really care. We just want Halladay.”
Halladay would give Phils fans the opportunity to look back 10 years from now and say they witnessed not only the greatest team in franchise history, but possibly one of the greatest in major league history.
By 2019, Chase Utley will have officially become the greatest second baseman to play the game. Ryan Howard will be the most prolific home run hitter since Babe Ruth. Jimmy Rollins will have punched his ticket to Cooperstown with his 3,000th career hit. The rotation of Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, Jamie Moyer and Pedro Martinez may end up with the largest career win totals of any rotation ever. Jayson Werth will have his own statue in front of The Bank, capturing his signature strikeout, fall-on-one-knee swing and best of all, the Phils will have won back-to-back World Series and quite possibly an unprecedented twelve-peat.
EDITOR’S NOTE TO PHILLIES FRONT OFFICE: Stop farting around and get this done.
Werth comes clean about seething hatred for Blue Jays, hipsters
Entering this season, Jayson Werth had hit three home runs in five career games against the Blue Jays. Then came the series earlier this month against the Jays where he hit three home runs in three games and the questions started rolling in.
“People started to ask me if I held some kind of grudge against the Blue Jays,” said Werth on Monday. “I lied and said I was just getting hot at the right time.”
Fast forward to the most recent series against the Jays where the rightfielder was 6-for-8 with two homers and five walks in the three-game set. After Sunday’s game, Werth finally explained that the increased production was no coincidence.
“It has a lot to do with my hatred of hipsters,” said an obviously agitated Werth. “Think about it . . . if hipsters were birds, they would probably look like Blue Jays. They’re both just flashy for no damn reason at all and sound like dying kittens when they talk. It gets under my skin, which may explain my numbers against Toronto.”
The Phillies will head to Atlanta to take on the Braves starting on Tuesday. Joe Blanton — who is coming off of an excellent seven-inning, 10 strikeout performance — will start for the Phils and face Kenshin Kawakami.
Ibanez DL-bound after Phils nix his offer to play without groin
The Phillies will be without their most productive hitter for at least the next two weeks after Raul Ibanez was placed on the DL with a left groin strain. Ibanez has been bothered by the injury since April and offered to have the troubled groin removed altogether last week in an effort to stay on the field, but the Phils elected to give him some time off instead.
“I’d still rather just have it removed so I can just get back to work,” Ibanez said on Thursday. “Jim Abbott played for ten years without a hand. I’d look like a wuss if I didn’t at least offer to go groinless. But, I’ll let the doctors do their job.”
John Mayberry Jr. will be called up to take Ibanez’s roster spot and play RF for the Phillies while Jayson Werth will shift over to LF.
Werth’s omen leads to four stolen bases; Phils take Game 1 of NLCS rematch
Jayson Werth tied a franchise record with four steals for the Phils, including a steal of home in the seventh inning to cap a 5-3 win over the Dodgers.
Werth would later credit his explosion on the basepaths to a visit from legendary ballplayer Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous in a dream the night before.
“He gave me the ‘Everybody gets one chance to do something great’ speech, went on and on about how much of a nag Wendy Peffercorn turned out to be and that was pretty much it,” Werth said after the game. “I just took it as an omen to put my PF Flyers on.”
Jamie Moyer will get the call for the Phils and will face ex-Phillie Randy Wolf on Wednesday night in Game 2 of the three-game set.