Phillies promise to ease Lidge into closer role, nice and slow

Brad Lidge will be activated from the disabled list in time for the Phillies’ series opener against the Mets on Friday, but Charlie Manuel stressed that there’s no need to rush Lidge into the closer role because “we’ve got all night, baby.”

“We’re just gonna take our time and do it right,” Manuel said in a baritone, filling two glasses with Dom Perignon. “I wanna make sure Brad is completely comfortable, then we’ll just ease him right up in there, nice and slow.”

Despite his gentile approach with Lidge, Manuel doesn’t plan on wasting any time sticking Jimmy Rollins all up in that sweet leadoff spot when he returns from the disabled list.

The Phillies are in serious trouble right now, by Joey Bagadonuts

Raul Ibanez can’t hit, Kendrick can’t get anyone out, the Marlins just showed they can beat us, the Braves are right on our tails, Moyer’s old as hell, Jimmy Rollins is hurt, Lidge is stinking it up in the minors and won’t be able to close, Danys Baez and David Herndon can’t hold a lead, J.A. Happ and Joe Blanton are missing starts, Chase Utley stopped hitting homers, the Cardinals have Albert Pujols, Placido Polanco’s average is below .400, nobody’s stealing bases, fans are projectile vomiting on little girls, I still don’t trust Cole Hamels and I’m worried about what’s gonna happen with this team.

One of the first things the Phillies need to do is bench Raul and give Ben Francisco a chance out there. We should be able to trade Raul for some bullpen help, which is what we need anyway. I just don’t know why Charlie keeps putting him in the lineup when he stinks like this. I’m pretty sure Domonic Brown is ready by now. Why don’t we bring him up to take Raul’s place? What’s the hold up here?

The Marlins and Braves are seriously on our ass in the NL East and I think it’s gonna be a serious battle the whole year and there’s a chance we could miss the playoffs. The Marlins just beat us in two out of three games and even though the Braves are hitting .233 as a team right now, when they get going, they’re gonna be dangerous with the pitching staff they have. I just don’t feel right about our chances right now.

There are so many other things we need to fix before we can consider ourselves a real contender in the National League. I’m as optimistic as they come, but I’m freaking out right now. I know we’re only 12 games into the season, but if this isn’t time to hit the panic button, then when is?

Phils offense can’t survive without Rollins, by Joey Bagadonuts

I can’t believe this is happening right now. Jimmy Rollins, the spark plug of the entire Phils offense, is headed to the DL and we’re stuck with Juan freakin Castro as his replacement.

Jimmy was off to the best start of his career and so were the Phillies. You think that’s just a coincidence? Hell no. Without him in there, the offense is in the toilet. Who do we have to replace him at the top of the order? Shane Victorino? I love Shane, but he’s no Jimmy. Nobody can replace Jimmy. Jimmy can’t even replace Jimmy.

Jimmy’s On-Base Percentage is .516, which is like six times higher than Shane’s .212 percentage.  You’re telling me that the Phillies are going to be just as good with someone that gets on base a fraction of the time that Rollins does? I don’t think so. Even if Shane gets his On-Base up to .300, that’s still not gonna cut it. There’s no way a team can make it to the playoffs with their leadoff hitter at .300.

Right now, the Phils are scoring 7.14 runs per game and without Jimmy, I look for that number to drop by about 3 runs. That means the pitchers are going to have to work extra hard just to keep the team in the game. And with the pitchers working extra hard, they’re gonna get worn out by the time the playoffs come around and we may not be able to recover. With Jimmy going down, our playoff hopes are in the can right now.

They are saying he’ll be gone 2-4 weeks, but a lot could happen in that time. I just hope the Fightins will still be in first place by the time he gets back. But I know one thing: The Phils are in serious trouble.

Rollins, Werth sustain injuries after running up the score

Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro said he would wait until Wednesday’s game against the Nationals to determine the status of Jimmy Rollins and Jayson Werth, who were both injured while running up the score to historic levels to begin the season.

Though Rollins and Werth have run the score up hundreds of times throughout their careers, it appears neither player was physically ready to handle the early offensive explosion.

“I’ve never walked this many times in such a short period of time,” Jimmy Rollins said of his seven walks in just six games. “It’s just not something I’m conditioned to do.”

Werth left the game before the top of the sixth due to a sore hip flexor he said he aggravated after excessive activity on the base paths.

“It’s a minor injury, but I’m more concerned about how I’ll be affected down the road if we keep scoring like this,” Werth said. “I’ll avoid time on the DL if we could just ease up and win a couple games 2-1 every once in a while.”

With an off-day Tuesday, the Phils have extra time to evaluate the severity of both injuries and determine a more safe and healthy scoring pace for the team as a whole.

Manuel reports no pain after watching Lidge throw off mound

Charlie Manuel told reporters that he felt no pain while watching Brad Lidge throw 30 pitches off of a mound on Thursday.

“I really felt good out there today,” Manuel said of his Lidge-watching session. “A lot of people didn’t know this, but I watched in a good deal of pain for most of 2009 when Brad was on the mound. It’s one of those things you just have to fight through and keep watching though. Today’s outing was a good sign that I may be able to stay pain-free all year.”

Manuel also suffered through bouts of Jimmy and Cole last season in addition to the painful Lidge outings, but according to team doctors, being able to watch Roy Halladay every fifth day should help the manager stay healthy and pain-free.

Rollins ends prediction business to pursue career in baseball

Local fortune teller Jimmy Rollins will leave his profession of nearly 10 years to pursue his life-long dream of becoming a successful leadoff hitter in professional baseball.

“It’s been years since I’ve made good on any of my predictions, so I figure I’d cut my losses and give baseball a try,” said Rollins, who was a standout high school baseball player in Oakland, CA, but fell into the fortune telling game after graduation. “They say you never really leave the [soothsaying] game once you get in, but I’m done. It’s over. Time to go after the dream.”

The Phillies have extended an invitation to the retired prognosticator to come to Spring Training and compete with Juan Castro for the open shortstop position. Manager Charlie Manuel also promised him a shot at leading off if he makes the final 25-man roster.

“He’s a high energy guy with loads of speed and talent,” Manuel said of Rollins. “If he can just get on base — consistently — ahead of our big hitters, there’s no telling how far our team can go. It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy that could get on base at the top of our order. Typically, that’s what you need in a leadoff hitter: to get on base. Hopefully Jimmy will get on base for us.”

Manuel would later add that Rollins needs to “get his ass on base.”

Mets sign Jason Bay, still completely irrelevant

It looks like Jason Bay really loves that paper after signing with a disaster of an organization that plays in a stadium the size of Central Park. His power numbers will fall and his chances of a World Series will tank even further.

Bay and his 4-year $66 million contract will join David Wright and his 10 home runs from last season as the only two batters that remotely resemble a threat in the Mess’ order. Most people can’t even name one Cincinnati Reds player and yet they managed to score more runs than the Mets and their overpriced talent last season.

Wright led the Mess with 72 RBI last season, which would rank below Jimmy Rollins (77), who kept the bat on his shoulder and occasionally used it to pop the ball into the air for five out of six months last season. On the up-side, Wright did finish with more RBI than Shane Victorino (62), Carlos Ruiz (43) and Eric Bruntlett (7).

Though the pickup of Kelvim Escobar was a step in the right direction — a move I wish the Phils could have made — no one should even consider the Mets a contender for the #4 spot in the NL East until they get someone else to throw besides John Maine and a slew of head cases.

Signing Bay is a cosmetic move that might make the Mets look like they’re trying to be presentable in public, but most of us know what lies beneath. And it’s hot and fugly under there.

Guy can’t remember where he was during game-winning hit

While almost everyone will be able to remember where they were when Jimmy Rollins created one of the most memorable moments in Philly sports history, one local man can’t, for the life of him, recall where he was at the time.

“I want to say I was sitting somewhere in my kitchen, but we don’t even have a TV in there,” said Stephen Pastora of Ardmore. “I noticed that my couch was flipped upside down and there was a half-eaten sandwich stuck to the wall in my family room, so maybe that’s where I was.”

Rollins hit a two-out double off of Jonathan Broxton in the bottom of the ninth, scoring Eric Bruntlett and Carlos Ruiz to give the Phillies the 5-4 win and a commanding 3-1 series lead over the Dodgers in the NLCS.

“Jimmy came up huge for us when we really needed him,” Charlie Manuel said after the game. “I don’t think he’s there yet, but if he works on getting on base a little more, he could win an MVP or two some day.”

Philly hit with over three inches of Halladay-generated drool

The mere thought of adding Roy Halladay to the defending World Champions’ roster has left some Philadelphians waist-deep in their own slobber and without power last night.

The situation in the Delaware Valley may get worse before it gets any better as more and more fans realize just how freaking incredible the Phillies would be with Roy Hall-of-Fame-some-a-day atop their rotation.

“I was out at P.J. Welihan’s with my boys talking about the whole Halladay situation,” said Ryan Billings, a South Jersey Phillies fan. “The next thing we know, everybody in the bar is talking about it and we’re all wallowing in our own saliva. Sounds really gross, but we didn’t really care. We just want Halladay.”

Halladay would give Phils fans the opportunity to look back 10 years from now and say they witnessed not only the greatest team in franchise history, but possibly one of the greatest in major league history.

By 2019, Chase Utley will have officially become the greatest second baseman to play the game. Ryan Howard will be the most prolific home run hitter since Babe Ruth. Jimmy Rollins will have punched his ticket to Cooperstown with his 3,000th career hit. The rotation of Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, Jamie Moyer and Pedro Martinez may end up with the largest career win totals of any rotation ever. Jayson Werth will have his own statue in front of The Bank, capturing his signature strikeout, fall-on-one-knee swing and best of all, the Phils will have won back-to-back World Series and quite possibly an unprecedented twelve-peat.

EDITOR’S NOTE TO PHILLIES FRONT OFFICE: Stop farting around and get this done.

If you can’t break the schneid, swallow your freaking pride

Jimmy Rollins returned from his four-game sabbatical to go 0-for-5 with two strikeouts from the leadoff spot in the Phillies 5-4 loss to the Braves on Tuesday.

While Rollins continues to flop like no other when he bats leadoff, he turns into a roided-up Barry Bonds (redundant?) when batting elsewhere. He is 9-for-22 (.409 AVG) with three home runs, two walks and zero strikeouts when he bats anywhere else in the lineup this season. He is a .191 hitter in 282 at bats when in the leadoff spot.

“I’m a leadoff hitter, plain and simple,” said Rollins, who was probably one of those ‘square peg in the round hole’ kids growing up. “Pulling me from the leadoff spot would be like telling Will Ferrell to stop acting or Andre Iguodala to stop shooting threes. It’s just not gonna happen.”

Rollins will once again try to make that tiny leadoff glove fit as the Phillies take on the Braves tonight at 7:10pm ET.

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