Eagles hire bodyguards to protect coaches from LeSean McCoy
Eagles president Joe Banner announced today that the team would be employing 6- to-10 bodyguards to protect coaches from running back LeSean McCoy. “We have to protect our assets as an organization,” Banner said, “even if that means beating the hell out of one of our own players.”
The bold personnel move comes in the wake of the second attack on an Eagles coach by McCoy this season, when the running back attempted to knock down Offensive Line Coach Howard Mudd after being taken out of the game against Dallas. This latest attack comes just two weeks after McCoy viciously gut-punched Andy Reid in the stomach during a game against the Washington Redskins.
“I’m a pretty old man, and I just had hip surgery this past week,” Mudd commented later, “For him to hurl his body at me like that… [it] could’ve killed me. I was terrified.”
Banner explained to those at the press conference that McCoy would not be allowed within 10 feet of any members of the Eagles coaching staff, and that a violation of this policy or any perceived threat of violence would be met with “necessary force”.
“We looked into several options,” Banner said, “among others we were considering were chaining LeSean to a bench while the offense was on the sidelines, as well as having a sniper armed with tranquilizer darts trained on him at all times, waiting for him to get too close to a coach. We may look into those options at a later date.”
Twitter war escalates as McCoy plans retaliatory tweet
Eagles runningback LeSean McCoy vowed Tuesday to unleash as many as 140 characters on the Giants in response to a series of deadly tweets by Osi Umenyoira and Steve Smith as the intense Twitter war between the rival NFL factions dragged into its sixth day.
McCoy launched a pre-emptive cyber attack last Thursday which sparked a full-scale Twitter war that is already being hailed as “one of the saddest and most pathetic wars of our time” by everyone.
“I currently possess the technology to press a single button a launch several tweets to wherever they may be hiding,” McCoy said of his plans to continue his online assault. “God help them when I finally acquire an app that lets me fire more than the standard 140 characters at them.”
Giants loyalists have already begun formulating a response to any McCoy retaliation by mapping out several tweets about his mama.
McNabb advises Cutler on how to handle overly affectionate fans
Andy Reid shook up the football world on Sunday by allowing LeSean McCoy to run downfield with a football in his arm for the go-ahead touchdown as the Eagles went on to edge the Bears 24-20. The bigger story came after the game, when Donovan McNabb pulled Jay Cutler aside at midfield to discuss their shared experiences as beloved and well-respected quarterbacks.
Though Cutler leads the NFL with 18 interceptions, the Chicago fan base has rallied behind their quarterback in a way that reminded McNabb of his own fans back in Philly.
“Jay and I have a lot in common…we’re two very fortunate guys,” McNabb said in a post-game interview. “Most fans ‘boo’ when their players screw up, but the way our fans ‘ooo’ and ‘ahh’ just shows how much they love what we do out there. I pulled Jay aside because the Chicago fans have been on his nuts extra hard this season and I just wanted to make sure he stays level-headed about it.”
Eagles give Kiper 'F' for job well done, take Maclin and McCoy on day one
Early draft grades were being dealt out by any and every self-appointed NFL analyst on Saturday night in judgment of teams’ first two rounds.
The consensus among the national talking heads is that the Eagles struck relative gold with their first-round pick of Jeremy Maclin and their late second-round selection of LeSean McCoy. However, no one really cares what they think anyway because a coked-up spider monkey could do their job.
No one imagined that Maclin would ever be available anywhere near the Eagles’ pick at 21 because the hype machine’s (a.k.a ESPN) Todd McShay and Mel Kiper guaranteed the receiver would be taken somehwhere in the first ten picks.
“It’s a good thing we don’t pay any attention to any of the mock drafts or big-haired hired heads,” said Eagles GM Tom Heckert. “It must be a sweet job though, to make predictions for a living and then give others ‘Fs’ when your predictions fail miserably.”