McGwire: Steroids won’t improve foot-mouth coordination

Mark McGwire finally came clean, admitting he used steroids for over a decade during his playing career, but he disputed the notion that the drugs ever improved his foot-to-mouth coordination.

“I believe I was given this gift,” McGwire said during an interview on Monday. “I took steroids to clobber baseballs. But no pill, injection or cream could ever help someone’s God-given ability to repeatedly cram their own foot in their mouth. I truly believe that.”

Research conflicts with McGwire’s claim since approximately 100% of known and even suspected steroid users have significantly improved their natural ability to jam foot to mouth.

McGwire’s past and current performance falls directly in line with the research.

“Steroids may not improve someone’s natural foot-mouth coordination,” said Scott Borodynko, a Physics professor at Temple University. “But it will certainly give them the power to really mash it in there and the recovery necessary to do it over and over again.”

If The Athletics Stayed: Philly would love the Bash Brothers

Introducing a new feature called If The Athletics Stayed, that will likely appear whenever one of our cherished teams does something precious like lose to a team they just historically reamed the night before. In said feature, we will take a quick look into what life would be like as a Philly baseball fan had the Athletics stayed in town instead of moving to Kansas City in 1955 (and eventually to Oakland in 1968).

For this edition, we’ll take a look at the “Bash Brothers” of Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire and how this town would likely still hold a spot in their hearts for the two poster children of the steroid era had they played for the Philadelphia Athletics.

Would Philly be any different than any other love-struck town like LA, San Francisco and New York if we had a couple of star athletes that were later found to be dirty? I’d like to think so, but the obvious answer would be “no, we’d be no different.”

After Mike Schmidt (who fell off after 1987, coincidentally when the Bash Brothers were just heating up), the Phillies had a major power outage for the next 15 or so years until Pat Burrell and Jim Thome came to town.  Can you imagine how popular the A’s would have been in this town over the lowly Phils teams of the late 80′s and through the 90′s (1993 aside) if we were able to see Canseco and McGwire “across town?”

Now of course, this assumes that we didn’t know anything about steroids back then, and I think the bulk of fans didn’t have a clue (myself included, since I was in high school at the height of the steroid era in 2001). Contrary to what Mike Missanelli would mislead you to believe, the big talk was about a “juiced ball”, smaller ballparks and diluted pitching due to expansion, not about steroids.

I say this because we would have probably accepted the “Bash Brothers” like we do Ryno and Utley today, and even when the news broke that McGwire was catching whatever Jose “The Candyman” Canseco was pitching (take that however you want), we would probably forgive and embrace them just like Oakland did. Sports fans are like naive, abused girlfriends: You can cheat your ass off, but as long as you throw in a couple “please baby, baby, baby please’s”, they’ll take you right back.

If the A’s stayed in town, you know Philly would have gone nuts for the “Broad Street Bash Brothers” or some other corny 90′s nickname. Don’t deny it.

Manny’s ovarian issues highlight growing problem in MLB

Manny Ramirez will be suspended for 50 games after using a women’s fertility drug prescribed by his doctor. The Dodgers outfielder has apparently struggled alongside countless other women in this country with pregnancy issues, which places Ramirez on the growing list of major league players now known to have lady bits.

Ramirez has repeatedly denied use of any performance enhancing drugs, but will not appeal the suspension and subsequent loss of $7.7 million in salary “out of respect to the system, and let’s be real here … I was gonna hang it up for at least 50 games this season anyway, so it kinda works out,” according to Ramirez.

Alex Rodriguez was also recently caught with his vag showing by denying steroid use on national television in 2007 and admitting to steroid use on national television two years later this past February.

Rodriguez and Ramirez are only part of a larger, growing list of high-profile athletes that have traded in their jocks for tampons, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. Each player was once thought to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, but will now be denied entrance by baseball writers due to their lack of any semblance of male reproductive organs.

“These guys masqueraded around for years like they were in the same boat as greats like Mays, Aaron and Ted Williams, but one by one we’re finding out the truth about these frauds,” said LA Times writer Bill Plaschke. “It’s not so much the fact that they have snatches that really bothers me about it … just the fact that they lied about it this whole time, you know what I mean?”

Albert Pujols is expected to be named to the list in the coming days or years, at which time Major League Baseball will officially be forced to erase 96.2% of its record book from 1994 to 2007.