Group led by Carlos Ruiz takes ownership of Jonathan Broxton

Previously owned by Dodgers closer Jonathan Broxton, Jonathan Broxton was officially turned over to a group of Phillies led by Carlos Ruiz following a dramatic, walk-off win on Thursday.

“We now fully own Jonathan Broxton, but don’t expect things to change around here,” said majority owner Ruiz, who is now 3-for-3 against Broxton for his career with three doubles and four RBIs. “We will still pound his straight, 98-mph meat like we always have and he will likely stay as fat, if not more fat, than he has always been.”

The transfer of ownership to the Phillies ends a 26-year run by Broxton that included a disastrous senior prom in 2002 and surrendering an epic home run to Matt Stairs in Game 4 of the NLCS in 2008.

Phillies sign Ross Gload; Could have Eisenreich potential

The Phils are starting to look like they have a ‘type’.

Not that there’s much variety when it comes to bench players, but Ross Gload is about as close to a Greg Dobbs clone as you can find in baseball. Of course, before Dobbs, Wes Helms held it down as the Phillies’ average-hitting corner infielder/outfielder for one season.

This isn’t a bad move from Rube, even though Gload’s average has sunk each of the past four seasons. Then again, I don’t know how motivated I’d be playing for the Royals for two of those seasons either.

He’ll take Matt Stairs’ place on the bench — which right now looks like an upgrade — and is cut from that professional hitter mold of guys that put the ball in play (a la  Jim Eisenreich), doesn’t strike out much and seems to hit better with runners in scoring position which will always win points with fans on this team.

Stairs won’t use Auto-Tune to end hitless funk

Frequently labeled a ‘one-hit wonder’ by rival MCs, Matt Stairs has recently struggled to land a hit single and hasn’t really been relevant since last October’s smash hit, “L.A., tell me how my a** taste.”

Stairs — aka “Neck Bussa” which allegedly comes from his ability to break (or bust) a pitcher’s neck when he hits a home run — has steadily fallen down the pop charts since his October club banger, but says he will not resort to the use of Auto-Tune to regain popularity.

“You got cats out here usin’ Auto-Tune to bang out hits and it’s bad for the game,” Bussa said on Monday. “Anybody can do that [expletive] and pop out a single, but that’s not my style, you feel me? I rep Canada, son. Canada. We stays on top…literally.”

Stairs, Moyer fighting urge to give wholesome 'back in my day' speech every inning

MLB elders Matt Stairs and Jamie Moyer are having a hard time holding back their opinions on the unsettling behavior of the “young punks” around the league.

“These guys today are spoiled rotten, plain and simple,” Moyer said on Saturday. “From the way they wear their baggy britches all the way down to their spikes to their fancy megatron scoreboards … baaaah, just spoiled, the whole lot of ‘em.”

Stairs, who is competing for the final roster spot, has noticed several unwelcome changes since the time he entered the league in 1992 with the Montreal Expos.

“Nowadays, guys come straight from the womb with $10 million signing bonuses and shoe deals,” said Stairs. “Back in my day, I knew guys that struggled to find two pennies to rub together to afford their PEDs. Guys today just have no respect for the game.”