Mets fan depressed by Yankees-Phillies series, being a Mets fan

Garrett Brookston, a 36-year-old Mets fan from Tuckahoe, New York is taking the Yankees-Phillies World Series match-up pretty hard. But he says that pales in comparison to the depression that comes from being a Mets fan.

“Yeah, it’s going to be pretty tough to have to watch the Mets’ biggest rivals play against each other in the World Series. I guess the match-up is only fitting, considering the absolute nightmare season we had to endure this year. Not to mention the late season collapses in previous years.”

Despite the current depression, Brookston says he looks forward to what he hopes will be an active off-season for the Mets.

“Hopefully, we can sign some free agents that will help us compete with the Phillies for the division and maybe get to the Series and face the Yankees. It’s just unfortunate that something in the water at CitiField will probably cause those free agents to get injured or just flat out suck as the Mets try to hold off the Nationals for fourth place. Man, I hate being a Mets fan.”

Special red carpet finally allows Manny to ditch spikes

Manny Ramirez’s dream of finally being able to play baseball in his tube socks has become a reality now that MLB’s drug policy has encouraged red carpet treatment for outed steroid users.

Ramirez was cheered on by fans during his minor league ‘rehab assignment’ upon return from his 50-game suspension. When he finally re-joined the Dodgers, Fox took it upon themselves to interrupt their broadcast of the Phillies and Mets to showcase each of Ramirez’s at bats against the Padres. Then there’s the Steve Phillips incident where the failed Mets GM-turned-failed-analyst gushed over how big Ramirez was during a workout session.

MLB eventually approved the red carpet for Ramirez to show their gratitude for enduring the 50-game suspension and setting the example for why it doesn’t pay to take steroids, make a ton of money, get caught, get cheered on by fans you never knew existed, play for a couple more years and retire on a beach somewhere.

Seriously, what is that smell coming from the Phils dugout

No one seems to know what that noxious smell is or exactly where it came from, but the 25-man hurricane of funk seemed to pick up strength as it tore through Atlanta on Wednesday, injuring at least 31 transplant Phillies fans.

“I got a whiff of something as I drove to the stadium,” said Keith Marks, an Atlanta-based Phillies fan. “This wasn’t that typical Hot-lanta stink, this was much, much worse. And it only got stronger the closer we got to the park.”

Team officials first started to notice a strong odor emitting from select players in mid-June, but passed it off as common flatulence and didn’t want to say anything.

“Some games we would roll along and not smell a thing,” recalls J.A. Happ. “Then out of nowhere, your nose hairs are singed off and you’re passed out on the dugout floor. It’s the damndest thing.”

Parliament’s George Clinton was in attendance at Wednesday’s game and while he could offer no solution to quell the funk, he did mention that he was “thoroughly impressed.”

Experts are predicting the massive system will head back toward the Philadelphia area on Friday, though it’s entirely possible that it could dissipate due to a much larger system of funk traveling south from New York.

Victorino powers Phils back to first place in rare start-from-ahead win

Shane Victorino fell a triple short of the cycle and extended his hitting streak to 14 games in just the third start-from-ahead Phillies win this season. The win over the Cardinals propelled the Phils a half game ahead of the Marlins to take over first place in the NL East.

Victorino was 4-for-5 for the night and hit a start-ahead solo home run in the first inning. He finished with three runs scored, knocked in three more and made a death-defying catch with the bases loaded saving at least 11 runs … and possibly the world.

“I just try to be the best I can out there,” Victorino said. “I don’t go out there trying to save the game or the world from near destruction … it just sort of happens.”

The Phils are set to start a two-game set against the Mets, who have yet to be confirmed as a “team to beat” due to their losing record and the simple fact that they’re just not — and will never be — the Philadelphia WFC Phillies.

Chan Ho Park will try and end his streak of quality Eatons (n. – giving up so many runs that you force your entire team to work twice as hard to make up for your lack of pitching ability) as he faces Johan Santana on Wednesday.

Hamels lists Mets as least threatening team, just below Puppy Bowlers

Amid the recent comments made by Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran and Francisco Rodriguez about the completely one-sided Phillies/Mets rivalry, Cole Hamels was asked by a fan to rank the toughest teams in the league for the upcoming season.

“I think the Phillies are definitely at the top of the list right now,” Hamels answered. “The last team besides us to win a World Series was the 2007 Red Sox and that was like a thousand years ago.”

Hamels was then prodded by the fan to give his position for the Mets on his list.

“Until you mentioned them just now, I honestly forgot that they were actually still a major league team,” Hamels said. “With all of the choking they do, it’s really hard to put them on any list with respectable teams like the Phillies. But if I had to rank them, they would probably be somewhere between those Puppy Bowl puppies and the Pirates.”