New umpiring technology will console umpires after blown calls
In an effort to avoid the fallout from missed calls by umpires, Major League Baseball will begin utilizing a new technology that will dispense tissues and gently rock umpires to sleep after suffering the embarrassment of blowing a simple call.
Commissioner Bud Selig admitted Jim Joyce’s recent blown call played a part in finally putting the new technology to use and hopes to avoid any similar situations in the future by making sure each umpire is properly coddled the moment they kick the shit out of an easy call.
“The technology was there all along, but I think it’s now obvious that we have to begin using it,” Selig said. “Umpires are the lifeblood of our game and since they’re human and make mistakes, this technology will make sure they’re as comfortable as possible when those mistakes are made.”
The full implementation of the new technology will cost MLB approximately $4.8 billion over the next decade while each stadium is equipped with enough tissue and stuffed animals to allow umpires to do their job without fear of total humiliation when they screw up.
Selig also considered using very basic technology that would cost the league about $189.99 at Best Buy to be able to record each play and rewind the tape to make sure the correct call is being made, but the commissioner ruled out this option because “that would make too much sense.”
Halladay finds 72 imperfections after analyzing perfect game
Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay became just the 20th pitcher in major league history to throw a perfect game, but after analyzing video of his performance, the former Cy Young award winner deemed it “a stark reminder that I still have a lot of work to do.”
Halladay watched the replay of his perfecto several times and noticed at least 72 separate imperfect acts through his perfect nine innings of work.
“I’m completely embarrassed right now and feel like I owe everyone an apology,” said Halladay, who still refuses to acknowledge his historic outing as a perfect game. “People say I’m being too hard on myself, but I can’t justify calling that a perfect game when I threw 43 balls. I just wish I could hit the reset button and try again.”
Though Halladay managed to find several dozen imperfections with his own performance, the Phillies ace also mentioned that he found at least 6,804 imperfections in the Phillies offense throughout the game.