Please, let the doorknob hit you Jordan, by Joey Bagadonuts

What a complete waste of a year of my life. I told everyone the day that this douchebag Eddie Jordan got hired that this would be a complete disaster, but did anybody listen to me? Hell no.

I knew this guy was no good from the door. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and this guy’s best trick was turning good teams into garbage, just like he did with the Sixers.

My Sixers were on the verge of becoming a solid NBA team before this guy came to town and ruined everything that Ed Stefanski put together the past few years. There’s no way this team should lose 55 games with Andre Iguodala, Elton Brand and Thaddeus Young on our squad. No freakin’ way. The blame falls squarely on that nutcase Eddie Jordan. If we had anyone else coaching this team, we’d be in the playoffs right now, guaranteed.

I know Larry Brown said he didn’t want to leave the Bobcats, but how awesome would it be to have him back in Philly? I think Larry could guide the team to 50 wins, easy. As much as I want him back in town, I’ll take anybody other than that puss coach and his Princeton offense that we had to watch on the court this year. I kid you not: I could win more than 27 games if I was the coach. I have more basketball knowledge in my thumb than this guy had in his oversized head.

I’m glad he’s finally gone so the Sixers can finally get back to winning games. We have a solid team to build around and the draft is gonna be awesome this year since we finally have a good first-round pick, so I’m really looking forward to next year when we put it all together.

Let that doorknob hit you right in the ass on the way out, Eddie.

Sixers unofficially eliminated from next year’s playoffs

A 109-93 loss to the Orlando Magic on Monday night and the previous 46 losses this season have unofficially eliminated the Philadelphia 76ers from next year’s playoffs.

“I’m not sure this is even news,” Sixers GM Ed Stefanski said of the team’s premature elimination. “News is when you inform someone of something they did not know. For example, in Pennsylvania, any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. For real.

“But, I think we know by now that next year doesn’t look too great for us. Thanks for the obvious tip though. Keep up the good work.”

Eddie Jordan: I never said I knew anything about basketball

Sixers head coach Eddie Jordan responded to the reports that he will be fired at the end of the season by saying he “never claimed to know the first thing about basketball.”

“Everyone always just assumed that since I was a tall black guy, that I knew how to play basketball,” Jordan said on Wednesday. “Once I got older, people just assumed I was some wise, old basketball coach. One thing led to another and here I am about to get fired from a job I have no idea how I got in the first place.”

Several NBA teams have already expressed interest in hiring Jordan as a head coach should he be fired from the Sixers, though Jordan will likely return to his career as a below-average, yet sought-after tax attorney.

Iverson still battling with longtime addiction to everything

Former 76ers guard Allen Iverson spoke openly on Tuesday about how he has long suffered through menacing addictions to everything ever, including alcohol, lamps, gambling, drama and Saved By The Bell reruns.

“You ever wake up in the middle of the night feenin’ for a Snicker’s wrapper?” Iverson said on Tuesday. “Not the Snicker’s…not a Snicker’s. I’m talkin’ ’bout the wrapper. Well, that’s where I am right now.”

Iverson said that while he suffered from his addictions well before he was ever drafted by the 76ers in 1996, the money he made only made things worse for him and his family.

“When I was just a broke kid, I couldn’t do much to feed my habit for diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Iverson. “But signing that first contract kind of enabled me and made that habit a lot worse. The money did help my addiction to ‘broke’ though. At least temporarily.”

Iverson mentioned that although he suffered from addictions to Curling and Mongolia, it was his dependence on professional basketball and the city of Philadelphia that impacted him the most.

Iverson reportedly out partying with Jermaine Dupri

On the not-looking-so-good meter, Allen Iverson going anywhere near a party while he’s on leave to attend to his sick daughter has to rank pretty high.

According to Sports by Brooks, Iverson spent Saturday night partying at Club 935 with Jermaine Dupri and at least one person Tweeted that our former franchise player was in attendance.

I won’t read too much into this and say he’s a horrible human being if this actually went down, but damn Allen, for once in your life, can you do the right thing? I know he’s packing it in and doesn’t care how this affects his professional life, but I can’t imagine his family giving him the thumbs up to head down to Charlotte while his daughter is still sick.

Based on this and the fact that the Sixers seem to play better without AI, I’m wondering if a release is forthcoming.

Sixers turn to more convenient Strayer University offense

After struggling for much of the season to get anything going with Eddie Jordan’s Princeton offense, the Sixers’ head coach will switch to the more accommodating, but less popular Strayer University offense.

“Our guys are pretty overwhelmed and obviously can’t keep up with the Princeton offense,” Jordan said of his team after a 106-95 loss to the Phoenix Suns on Tuesday. “I think going to the Strayer University offense would allow everyone to slow down and work at their own pace.”

The Strayer offense typically allows teams to run plays in a supportive, stress-free environment but very few franchises recognize it as a legitimate offensive option.

“We’re not really concerned about what others think about what we’re doing here,” said point guard Lou Williams. “We need an offense and can’t afford to keep failing with Princeton. We may not make it to the playoffs with Strayer, but it’s an offense we can still be proud of.”

Jodie Meeks era underway with garbage time free throw

With a single free throw in the final minutes of a blowout loss to the Bulls on Sunday, the Jodie Meeks era officially began in the city of Philadelphia.

The Sixers acquired Meeks in a last-minute deadline deal last week in an effort to make the team better, or so we’re told.

“We didn’t feel like we were sellers at the trade deadline, so we decided to go out and make a deal to improve our club,” said Sixers GM Ed Stefanski. “On the surface, this deal for Meeks looks like it was a wash and a waste of time, but if you look at it through Iggy’s glasses, you might be able to see that we have a very, very…very slight edge. If you looks close enough…and squint a little.”

Sixers issue formal apology for five-game win streak

The Sixers released a formal apology letter on Thursday, asking for forgiveness after the team suffered an embarrassing five-game win streak that set them back at least two weeks.

The letter, sent to season ticket holders and various sponsors, referenced a “complete lack of focus” by the entire organization, which led to the team’s spiral into one crippling win after another.

“The Philadelphia 76ers organization would like to sincerely apologize to our fanbase and many sponsors for a very disturbing trend that developed over the last two weeks,” the apology letter read. “There will be no finger pointing as every member of our organization can bare blame for delaying the rebuilding process. Rest assured that this type of performance will not be tolerated and we can guarantee that this team will do whatever is necessary to earn back your trust. Just to show you that we are committed to ending any lengthy win streaks in the future, we are in the process of selling our entire roster to either Italy or possibly some Chinese basketball team and are prepared to offer you, our valued season ticket holder, a contract for the remainder of the season. In fact, we’ll just leave the contract amount blank so you can just write in whatever you want. It doesn’t matter. But please, we’re begging you. Come run with us, literally. We are so tired of being a mediocre team and we know you are too, so come on out and we’ll give you your own uniform and everything. Seriously. Your own uniform, with your name on the back, just like Andre Iguodala used to have before we sent him to Ecuador or some shit a couple minutes ago. See, we’re already making moves. So, at least think about that offer. In the mean time, accept our apology and we’ll hope to see you at the Wachovia Center, like right now! But if you’re busy, we’re cool with tomorrow. Either way, just give us a call or send us a tweet so we know you got this. Awesome. Go Sixers!”

Sixers, Nets agree that’s probably enough for now

The Sixers halted their Sunday game against the New Jersey Nets after the two teams agreed that the game had probably run its course.

“This is pretty much all we got, folks,” Elton Brand said to the reported 11,576 fans in attendance. “We could keep going, but to be completely honest, it’s probably not gonna get any better. So, if it’s OK with you guys, we’d like to just call it a day and do something else.”

The two teams will try to pick this up again on March 17th at the Wachovia Center.

Sixers are gonna try and beat that traffic again

The Sixers have informed a couple nearby fans that they are probably gonna head out in a couple minutes to beat the traffic.

“There’s not really much going on in the game right now, so we might as well head out,” said Thaddeus Young to a few of his teammates early in the third quarter. “These seats were awesome and we should try to come back to catch another game, but it’s getting pretty late.”

The Sixers will take on the Lakers at home on on Friday night but they may not be able to stay for the whole game since they have to get up super early for work the next day.

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