“As a convicted felon with eroded skills, we’re unsure how he got this job or, for that matter, what this job is,” said WSJ spokesman Stephen Duffy. “But whatever it is, it’s easily the greatest job in America. Ever.”

With a starting salary of $1.6 million, Vick’s job with the Eagles still remains a complete and total mystery, but according to Vick, it may involve standing, with occasional sitting, but very little running.

Vick stood and sat enough in 2009 to earn a $3.6 million dollar raise this year, giving him a $5.2 million salary and the title of ‘Best Job in America’.

“It’s a great job,” Vick said of whatever he’s supposed to be doing this year with the Eagles, “and I do it well.”

Vick also topped Wall Street Journal’s list of ‘People Dumber Than Toast’ for repeatedly trying to get fired from his cushy, do-nothing job.

The Eagles responded by saying that “yeah, I kind of know what you mean” and “he doesn’t interest us either, but what other choice do we have right now,” according to one team spokesman.

The Eagles informed police that while they may have had some interest in Vick several months ago when they were trying to sell merchandise and stay relevant in the news, their current interest in the former Pro Bowler has officially bottomed out. The team also repeatedly asked police if they were sure Vick wasn’t involved in the shooting because, according to team owner Jeffrey Lurie, “that would really help us out in trying to get rid of him.”

Though cheering for draft picks is a staple among non-Philly sports fans, Philly fans have historically berated athletes on draft day. However, that custom came to an end when Turner was selected with the second overall pick and greeted with warm applause by fans, marking the first such embrace by fans in Philadelphia sports history.

The most notable case of deplorable behavior by Philly fans on draft day was during the 1999 NFL draft when Donovan McNabb was booed unmercifully as he was selected with the Eagles’ second overall pick. It was widely speculated that Eagles fans were booing the organization for not selecting Heisman Trophy winner Ricky Williams, but later reports confirmed that Philly fans are the scum of the earth and want to boo everyone at all times.

In a less publicized case, Allen Iverson was booed off the stage as he was selected with the first overall pick by the 76ers in 1996. Cole Hamels, the Phillies first-round selection in the 2002 MLB draft, was also booed by a throng of fans at his home in San Diego, CA as he sat in his living room with family and friends. Altogether, some 2,622 athletes have been booed by crazed Philadelphia sports fans over the years.

According to a report probably published somewhere, one rogue fan was heard booing while Turner’s name was announced during the draft, which was, according to the report, “yet another black eye for Philadelphia sports fans.”

After seeing the film, starring Robert Downey Jr., Jackson said he was “very happy with the movie.”

“I don’t think it lost anything from the first one,” Jackson added. “Even with the loss of Terrence Howard.”

On Tuesday, McNabb was asked for a response to Jackson’s comment, just to try and start controversy where there was none to begin with.

“I could feed into this war he’s obviously trying to start by talking about Iron Man 2,” McNabb said. “But someone has to be the bigger man, so whatever he wants to say is cool with me, but it’s not making him look like the bigger man. I’m the biggest man there is, and ever will be.”

Jackson also commented on what was poppin’ in Atlanta over the weekend, but McNabb could not yet be reached for a response.

“He’s either booing or cheering after every pick, but how could he possibly know anything about any of these guys?” said Kyle Brace, a longtime friend of Hickey. “Then he watches a 10-second video clip of the guy and says something like ‘Oh yeah, he’ll fit the scheme’, like he even knows what that means. If you’ve ever seen Mel Kiper on ESPN, then you know what I’m talking about.”

According to Hickey, the Eagles have had a good draft so far but could really use another defensive end because “you can never have too many of those.”

“Michael Vick is the perfect quarterback for, say, the wildcat,” said Reid. “Of course he can do other things. I was just using that as an example. I’m sure he has other relevant quarterbacking skills.”

According to Reid, Vick has a vast skill set, and can still line-up at quarterback for a number of NFL teams.

“If you don’t believe me, check out our film from last year. He lined up at quarterback every time we sent him into the game. Not wide receiver, not left guard, but quarterback. You don’t find talent like that every day. Plus, you just can’t ignore his ability to run the wildcat and do all that other stuff, too.”

A baseball club with ties to the area began its season on Monday and reportedly played well enough to defeat another team, though it’s still unclear how this has anything to do with Donovan McNabb and his trade to the Redskins.

“Apparently these ballplayers did some amazing things on the field yesterday,” said one local reporter. “Unfortunately, they aren’t Donovan McNabb, so there’s no way they’re getting more than five seconds of attention today.”

According to this guy’s report, the main pitcher man did something awesome and a new player man ran home and people were cheering or something. The final score was 11-1, but McNabb got traded to the Redskins and that’s all you apparently need to know.

Though all three teams were rumored to have some level of interest in the Pro Bowler, each team has come forward this week to deny any such rumors.

“There’s nothing to any of that,” Eagles head coach Andy Reid said of the Eagles’ reported interest in McNabb. “We’re not involved in that.

“At this time of year there are going to be all kinds of things thrown out there. But, no, there’s nothing to it.”

McNabb has expressed interest in wanting to play football somewhere in 2010, but as of press time, none of the 32 NFL teams have come forward with any interest whatsoever.

I think even the most staunch anti-McNabb-ites have to admit that the team takes a hit with Kevin Kolb at QB and we all know wherever McNabb goes, he’ll have a Philadelphia-sized chip on his shoulder and a lot to prove.

That said, I don’t feel a single shred of sorrow for the man, since it’s times like these when athletes actually earn their money. Unless the man’s life is in danger, I don’t think we need Stephen A. Smith throwing on his Handiman suit defending him. Defend Jackie Robinson or even Barry Bonds to some extent, but if McNabb is going to get miffed over the things people have been saying about him over the years, then he should go scrub toilets for a living in relative silence. I’m sure he’s fine right where he is though.

Things are pretty broken with the Eagles, but shipping McNabb out right now isn’t the answer. It’s the emotional answer to a lot of fed up Eagles fans, but I think the playcalling is more to blame than Don-Don.

Either way, the Mac-Nabb haters in the area are about to get their wish any moment now. But unless you’re ready to see him lift up that Lombardi trophy in another jersey, I’d rethink all this talk about wanting him gone. Remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and that woman can probably still help the Eagles win more games at this point than the alternative.

“Ten years from now, we could be talking about Shawn as one of the greatest Tweeters of all time,” said a Twitter head coach. “The talent is certainly there, but he’s just not making the best use of the 140-character limit each time he updates his status.”

Some Twitter officials have estimated that Andrews is Tweeting at nearly a quarter of his potential after watching film of Andrews’ dominant Tweeting early on in his career as compared to now.

“I’ve seen the guy do things with 140-characters that most guys couldn’t do with 500,” said one Twitter executive. “Some people blame off-the-screen distractions, like his involvement in pro football, for the lack of focus. I’d rather he focus on his Tweets, but if he wants to continue to play football, he’s a grown man. Let him play.”