Phillies offense tired of having to support Roy Halladay
After weeks of providing little support for ace pitcher Roy Halladay, the Phillies offense has decided to cut the pitcher off altogether and insist that he become more self-sufficient around here.
“We want to help him out, but he doesn’t want to even help himself,” Ryan Howard said of Halladay, who has only contributed a .116 batting average to help his own cause. “We’ve only spotted him a few runs in the past month or so, hoping he would get the hint and either leave or get to work, but he just sits there hoping everybody else will do the work for him. We’ll see how much he likes no run support at all. And if he doesn’t like it, then he can carry his freeloadin’ ass back to the American League with their designated mommies that do your hitting for you.”
The offense plans to use the runs they would have scored for Halladay to further support Kyle Kendrick for some reason.
Phillies honor fans by hitting like them for a week
The Phillies’ week-long celebration of their fans continued Thursday as the team once again hit as if they were one of their millions of fans with no professional training on how to hit a baseball.
“I dedicated my four at bats yesterday to the guys at Lee’s Hoagie House in Southampton,” said Jayson Werth, who struck out in three of his four plate appearances, which is probably what guys who run a sandwich joint could have done. “The double play I hit into was dedicated to Steve, who I know played a little ball in high school which is why I actually made some contact.”
Since the start of the celebration last Saturday, the Phillies have lost five straight and were shutout in three straight games by the division-rival Mets. There is no official word on when the team plans to end the tribute, but it will likely continue on Friday against the Marlins as the Phillies will face another mediocre pitcher in Chris Volstad.
Howard plans to keep job, use most of $125 million on bills
A Missouri man who won a $125 million jackpot plans to use most of the money to pay off all these bills and will likely continue his job as a first baseman.
Ryan Howard — who had just $28.96 million in his bank account — came forward as the winner of the largest windfall in Pennsylvania sports history.
“I don’t want to be one of those guys that comes into money and quits his job,” said Howard, who survived on a $19 million salary before his amazing fortune turned for the better. “Plus, once you factor in taxes, agent fees, lawyers, Pookie n’ them, accountants and the cable bill, you’re only left with what? Like $5 million a year? I couldn’t afford to leave my job even if I wanted to.”
Howard has since inspired several coworkers to play Powerball in hopes of a similar payoff.
Phils offense picks up, throws away Kendrick in win over Nats
Kyle Kendrick gave up six earned runs in less than two innings of work, but the Phillies offense was able to pick the pitcher up and dispose of him out back.
The Phillies, off to their best start since 1993, responded well with continued support from the bullpen and an offensive explosion of 14 runs after Kendrick was mutilated and finally discarded during the second inning.
“It’s like that piece of garbage sitting in your neighbor’s yard,” said Ryan Howard. “Eventually, you just get tired of looking at it, so you go over there and throw it out. As much as we love Kyle, he was making the neighborhood look bad.”
Charlie Manuel has not yet made a decision on whether the long-dead Kendrick will make another start for the team or if he will stay out back until next Wednesday’s garbage day.
Hamels, Howard taking devastating World Series loss in stride
The Phillies lost their bid to become the first back-to-back World Series champions since the 1976 Cincinnati Reds as the Yankees took home their 27th championship in team history. Many members of the Phils could barely pull themselves off the dugout floor after taking a roundhouse kick to the junk, but Cole Hamels and Ryan Howard managed to hold their heads high in defeat.
“Oh my gosh, it’s finally over!” exclaimed Hamels, somehow in the middle of the Yankees clubhouse celebration. “It’s something I honestly thought would never happen but here we are and it’s just unreal. Such an incredible feeling. I’m glowing…do you see this? I’m actually glowing right now.”
Howard set a World Series record by striking out 13 times in the six-game series, but was relatively upbeat after Wednesday’s loss.
“I’m not gonna lie, it does hurt a little,” Howard said after spraying the Bronx crowd with two bottles of champagne. “But I don’t think anyone should be disappointed with the way things turned out. People are probably gonna say that we could have easily beat the Yanks and you know what? They’re probably right. But DJ Hero is finally out for my Xbox and I’ve only got about 96 days to get rollin’ on that, so…umm…love, peace and chicken grease, I’m out.”
Howard, Phils eliminate whatever this thing is from playoffs
The Phillies will now face the Dodgers in a rematch of the 2008 NLCS after mounting a ninth inning comeback against what appears to be the most ridiculous mascot in the long and storied history of ridiculous mascots.
The Phillies were heavily favored coming into the series against the Barney & Friends refugee, but Carlos Gonzalez and Yorvit Torrealba gave it plenty of opportunity to douche it up in the stands by keeping the game close.
“I mean, I get that it’s a triceratops, but what does a dinosaur have to do with the Rockies?” asked Game 4 hero Ryan Howard, who hit a two-run double with two outs in the top of the ninth to tie the game. “I know the Phanatic has nothing to do with Philly either, but he’s got the benefit of being awesome and entertaining, so we all look the other way. That thing is just sad.”
Report: Jobless, insomniac Phils fans kind of enjoying NLDS
Major League Baseball didn’t know what to expect with the midday and late-night start times for NLDS games between the Phillies and Rockies, so the league was overjoyed to hear that such a large contingent of jobless and insomniac Phillies fans had turned out to watch the past three games.
Approximately 17 fans across the Tri-state area have been able to watch each game live in its entirety, thrilling MLB’s Commissioner, Bud Selig.
“With the Yankees, Red Sox and LA teams in the playoffs, it’s been hard to get our reigning World Champs in a decent time slot,” said Selig on Monday. “But going up against Sunday Night Football and Jet Li’s The One, I’m more than pleased with the 15 or so people that stayed with us.”
Ryan Howard’s sacrifice fly in the top of the ninth and Brad Lidge’s save-ish-thing gave the Phils the 6-5 win and a 2-1 series lead. This information comes from a local jobless insomniac, Joe Costello, who was among the handful of people awake enough to record the game’s happenings.
“I definitely stayed up to watch the whole game, but…you know, what the hell else am I gonna do?” said Costello, who was one of the 17 fans that were also able to see the first two games without taking a three-hour lunch break or getting fired altogether. “It’s gonna suck when the Phils start playing at normal times. It was pretty nice having people envy me again.”
The Phillies will take on the Rockies tonight for Game 4 at a more-Godly hour of 6:00 pm ET.
Procrastinating Phils finally get around to clinching division
The Philadelphia Phillies clinched their third straight NL East title after putting it off for the past week by spending entirely too much time on Failblog and Hulu-ing those old episodes of It’s Always Sunny they missed.
“It was rough, man,” Ryan Howard said of the Phillies’ late-season procrastination. “As much as we wanted to secure our spot and get it over with, someone would send out an email about a funny video and by the time you start looking at all the related videos, you look up and it’s the ninth inning and you’re down by like 10. At that point, you just try again the next day, but then Chase [Utley] starts talking about how Journey is the greatest band of all time, which starts a three-hour-long debate and you end up in the same place as yesterday.”
The Phils finally pulled it together on Wednesday to down the Astros 10-3, though technically the team clinched the division a few minutes before the game ended due to Atlanta losing on an epic Matt Diaz baserunning error to end the game against the Marlins.
In a moving gesture to once again prove his commitment and eternal love for Brad Lidge, Charlie Manuel called on the team’s pseudo-closer to record the final out of the 10-3 route in a non-save situation. Lidge warmed up for about five minutes and threw one pitch to Lance Berkman, who grounded out to Ryan Howard at first base to end the game.
“Any other guy would have left me by now, but Charlie isn’t just any other guy,” Lidge said after the game. “We pledged our lives to one another when I signed here and I’m blessed to be able to have him right by my side no matter how badly I screw up. I’m definitely one of the lucky ones.”
The Phillies also paid a fitting tribute to the late Harry Kalas by embracing the HK sign in left field after the game. Harry is still very much a part of this team and I personally hope the Phillies are able to pay the greatest tribute to him by rolling down Broad Street one more time, in his honor. Go Phils!
MLB adopts new ‘Most Valuable Jeter’ award
In an effort to finally award Derek Jeter for his outstanding effort on the baseball field, Major League Baseball will award its first ever Most Valuable Jeter Award this off-season to the most valuable player in the league with the last name Jeter.
“Derek Jeter is invaluable to this league and it’s a shame he has no hardware to show for it,” Commissioner Bud Selig said. “Statistics don’t always tell the story of how valuable a player is. With players like Derek Jeter, you have to use other factors, like his last name.”
Last week, Jeter passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader in Yankee history with his 2,722nd base knock, but he has been snubbed each of his previous 14 seasons as the league’s Most Valuable Player.
According to the criteria set forth by the Commissioner’s office, Jeter is the front runner to win the first ever award. Through Monday’s games, the Yankee shortstop leads all eligible players in over 60 different statistical categories.
“If he’s the leader in 60 different statistical categories, then I guess he deserves the award,” said fellow Yankee Mark Teixeira, who leads the AL with 111 RBIs and is second with 35 home runs. “Home runs and RBIs may fill up the stat sheet, but Jete’s got something like 295 intangibles this season. Most of us are walking around with zero and this guy has 295. It’s time to get this guy some hardware.”
An award will be given out in both the American and National Leagues, although no clear cut candidate has emerged from the National League as of yet. While Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols have led their respective teams to potential playoff berths, neither appear to have the last name Jeter, which is the central criteria for the award.
Phillies continue success with runners in seated position
In recent games, Phillies batters have come through in fine fashion with runners firmly planted on the dugout bench.
The success with runners in seated position (RISeP) has helped carry the team while they continue to lay eggs with runners actually on base.
“I think we owe our seated position success to our love of staying seated,” Ryan Howard explained on Saturday. “We try and put as many solo home runs on the board as possible so as not to burden our teammates with standing adrift on a base somewhere with nothing to do. What you may call failing in the clutch, we call helping out a friend.”