Phils offense can’t survive without Rollins, by Joey Bagadonuts

I can’t believe this is happening right now. Jimmy Rollins, the spark plug of the entire Phils offense, is headed to the DL and we’re stuck with Juan freakin Castro as his replacement.

Jimmy was off to the best start of his career and so were the Phillies. You think that’s just a coincidence? Hell no. Without him in there, the offense is in the toilet. Who do we have to replace him at the top of the order? Shane Victorino? I love Shane, but he’s no Jimmy. Nobody can replace Jimmy. Jimmy can’t even replace Jimmy.

Jimmy’s On-Base Percentage is .516, which is like six times higher than Shane’s .212 percentage.  You’re telling me that the Phillies are going to be just as good with someone that gets on base a fraction of the time that Rollins does? I don’t think so. Even if Shane gets his On-Base up to .300, that’s still not gonna cut it. There’s no way a team can make it to the playoffs with their leadoff hitter at .300.

Right now, the Phils are scoring 7.14 runs per game and without Jimmy, I look for that number to drop by about 3 runs. That means the pitchers are going to have to work extra hard just to keep the team in the game. And with the pitchers working extra hard, they’re gonna get worn out by the time the playoffs come around and we may not be able to recover. With Jimmy going down, our playoff hopes are in the can right now.

They are saying he’ll be gone 2-4 weeks, but a lot could happen in that time. I just hope the Fightins will still be in first place by the time he gets back. But I know one thing: The Phils are in serious trouble.

Mets sign Jason Bay, still completely irrelevant

It looks like Jason Bay really loves that paper after signing with a disaster of an organization that plays in a stadium the size of Central Park. His power numbers will fall and his chances of a World Series will tank even further.

Bay and his 4-year $66 million contract will join David Wright and his 10 home runs from last season as the only two batters that remotely resemble a threat in the Mess’ order. Most people can’t even name one Cincinnati Reds player and yet they managed to score more runs than the Mets and their overpriced talent last season.

Wright led the Mess with 72 RBI last season, which would rank below Jimmy Rollins (77), who kept the bat on his shoulder and occasionally used it to pop the ball into the air for five out of six months last season. On the up-side, Wright did finish with more RBI than Shane Victorino (62), Carlos Ruiz (43) and Eric Bruntlett (7).

Though the pickup of Kelvim Escobar was a step in the right direction — a move I wish the Phils could have made — no one should even consider the Mets a contender for the #4 spot in the NL East until they get someone else to throw besides John Maine and a slew of head cases.

Signing Bay is a cosmetic move that might make the Mets look like they’re trying to be presentable in public, but most of us know what lies beneath. And it’s hot and fugly under there.

More Halladay madness at the Winter Meetings

I think everyone is pretty numb to the prospect of the Phillies somehow trading for Roy Halladay by now — especially since we get to trot Clifton Phifer Christ out there every fifth day — but SI’s Jon Heyman is saying the team is jumping into the mix again.

These things rarely actually turn out the way we all think they will, but it’s looking like the Angels are in the best position to land Halladay with the Phils just sticking around to see how far the price may drop before they consider getting heavily involved.

Right now, the Angels are reportedly offering Joe Saunders, Erick Aybar and minor league OF Peter Bourjos for Halladay, which is a less than the summer asking price of Kyle Drabek, J.A. Happ and either Domonic Brown or Michael Taylor, but still pretty steep. I’d say a similar deal with the Phillies would involve Happ, Taylor and either Shane Victorino or a lower-level prospect, which is doable but still a bit much.

Not only is there the issue of the trade, but with Lee and Halladay’s contracts expiring after 2010, the Phils would essentially have to choose between one or the other, so this is looking like a one-year fling even if it gets done. Stranger things have happened, though. I think with the right combination of a World Series win next season and if Dave Montgomery knocks off a couple banks, we could work something out and keep both pitchers for the next 10 years and completely forget what it was ever like to watch losing baseball in this town.

My freakishly swollen hand is fine, says Victorino

After getting hit on the hand by an A.J. Burnett fastball in the first inning, many are wondering if Shane Victorino will be ready to play for the Phillies in Game 6. Victorino says that he will be ready to play, and that his freakishly swollen hand is fine.

“My hand is completely fine,” said Victorino, as he removed it from a bucket of ice water. “This amount of swelling is normal for me after any game. I just happened to get hit by a 93 mile-per-hour fastball, so everybody is freaking out. But I assure you, I am more than OK and will be able to play in Game 6.”

Victorino said he may be a bit delirious from the amount of pain medication he is on, but he is very persistent in his claims that he will be ready to go tomorrow night.

“It’s the World Series. I don’t care if my hand looks like a balloon, that it turned these funny colors or that my middle and ring fingers are currently not functioning. I’m going to be out there.”

Overzealous fans somehow vote Victorino into public office

Shane Victorino will represent the Phillies and the National League in the 2009 All-Star Game thanks to an overwhelming response in the All-Star Final Vote. The “Vote for Victorino” and “Bran Torino” campaigns not only earned the Phils centerfielder his first All-Star selection, but he also managed to edge incumbent Ray Stronach to become mayor of Knob Lick, KY.

I would carry on with this weak satire idea, but I really just wanted to make light of a real life town called Knob Lick, KY. My first thought was of a “Knob Lick High School” but then I realized that Knob Lickers (along with the rest of Kentucky) probably don’t do school. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks with your own town slogans, eateries and novelty shops from there.

I came across a couple other absurd town names in the process that I thought I’d share: Oatmeal, TX; Monkey’s Eyebrow, AZ; Smut Eye, AL; Hambone, CA; Mianus, CT; Hopeulikit, GA; Grosse Tete, LA; Bald Butte, MT; Mud Butte, SD; Coxsackie, NY; Threeway and Fourway, VA; and Booger Hole, WV.

Victorino powers Phils back to first place in rare start-from-ahead win

Shane Victorino fell a triple short of the cycle and extended his hitting streak to 14 games in just the third start-from-ahead Phillies win this season. The win over the Cardinals propelled the Phils a half game ahead of the Marlins to take over first place in the NL East.

Victorino was 4-for-5 for the night and hit a start-ahead solo home run in the first inning. He finished with three runs scored, knocked in three more and made a death-defying catch with the bases loaded saving at least 11 runs … and possibly the world.

“I just try to be the best I can out there,” Victorino said. “I don’t go out there trying to save the game or the world from near destruction … it just sort of happens.”

The Phils are set to start a two-game set against the Mets, who have yet to be confirmed as a “team to beat” due to their losing record and the simple fact that they’re just not — and will never be — the Philadelphia WFC Phillies.

Chan Ho Park will try and end his streak of quality Eatons (n. – giving up so many runs that you force your entire team to work twice as hard to make up for your lack of pitching ability) as he faces Johan Santana on Wednesday.

Phils complete Marlins sweep as Victorino fuels awkward leadoff controversy

Shane Victorino  reached base three times and drove in four runs from the leadoff spot, helping the Phillies to their third straight win and a series sweep over the first place Marlins.

Jimmy Rollins was given his second day off this season as he battles through an early season slump. The 2007 NL MVP’s hitting woes and Victorino’s recent hot streak will give Charlie Manuel a tough decision in the coming days of who will bat in the leadoff spot for the reigning World Champions.

“Jimmy’s been our leadoff guy  for a while now and the focus is just on getting him going,” Manuel said. “Luckily our next series is with the Nats, so we could throw the pitcher up top and it wouldn’t matter anyway.”

Phils rediscover connection between scoring runs and winning games

After days of trying to win without scoring runs and relying on the other team to issue walks with the bases loaded, the Phils won their second game of the season by downing the Rockies 8-4.

Brett Myers once again proved that if you just take away all of the bombs he gives up — now six home runs allowed in two starts — he could easily be considered the single most dominant pitcher in the entire universe. Myers won his first game of the year by surrendering only four runs and one walk  in seven innings while striking out six.

Shane Victorino made his case for a shot at the leadoff spot by going 3-for-5 with a walk and two runs scored while the 2007 NL MVP Jimmy Rollins turned in a 1-for-5 day raising his season average from .111 to a seductive .130.

“Jimmy’s our tablesetter and I’m not trying to take his job or anything like that,” Victorino said. “Even though batting behind him in the order really is starting to feel like batting behind the pitcher. So, I kind of feel like our leadoff hitter anyway.”

The Phils will take on the Rockies in the series finale on Sunday at 3:10 pm.

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