325-pound man announces plans to cut back on exercise

Central Florida hospitals were put on high alert Wednesday as a local 325-pound man announced that he will put an end to his intense, 19-year exercise routine that included light-to-moderate jogging as a professional basketball player.

Shaquille O’Neal, 39, said that while doctors warned that his weight could double in as little as three hours after stopping his exercise program, the daily grind was too much to endure.

“I’m going to miss the competition, the chase for the ring, being able to move…all that stuff,” O’Neal said. “But it’s time for the next chapter in my life.”

Eric Barger, M.D., a physician at Central Florida Regional Hospital said that O’Neal’s life could be at risk if he does not continue to play basketball.

“It is my professional opinion that playing basketball regularly was the only thing keeping this man alive,” said Barger.

Championship-starved LA fans release seven years of frustration

The Lakers’ victory over the Orlando Magic ended a seven-year championship drought that has dogged the city of Los Angeles since the Lakers won their third straight NBA title way back in 2002.

Fans took to the streets to release their years of pent-up frustration by trashing police cars, stomping on defenseless Toyota Corollas and looting nearby stores.

The LAPD was surprisingly cooperative throughout the night with early reports indicating that only 18 hoods were arrested despite widespread damage and looting.

“A lot of these guys were in high school last time the Lakers won a championship,” said one LA officer. “Unfortunately, most of them never left.”