McGwire: Steroids won’t improve foot-mouth coordination
Mark McGwire finally came clean, admitting he used steroids for over a decade during his playing career, but he disputed the notion that the drugs ever improved his foot-to-mouth coordination.
“I believe I was given this gift,” McGwire said during an interview on Monday. “I took steroids to clobber baseballs. But no pill, injection or cream could ever help someone’s God-given ability to repeatedly cram their own foot in their mouth. I truly believe that.”
Research conflicts with McGwire’s claim since approximately 100% of known and even suspected steroid users have significantly improved their natural ability to jam foot to mouth.
McGwire’s past and current performance falls directly in line with the research.
“Steroids may not improve someone’s natural foot-mouth coordination,” said Scott Borodynko, a Physics professor at Temple University. “But it will certainly give them the power to really mash it in there and the recovery necessary to do it over and over again.”
Special red carpet finally allows Manny to ditch spikes
Manny Ramirez’s dream of finally being able to play baseball in his tube socks has become a reality now that MLB’s drug policy has encouraged red carpet treatment for outed steroid users.
Ramirez was cheered on by fans during his minor league ‘rehab assignment’ upon return from his 50-game suspension. When he finally re-joined the Dodgers, Fox took it upon themselves to interrupt their broadcast of the Phillies and Mets to showcase each of Ramirez’s at bats against the Padres. Then there’s the Steve Phillips incident where the failed Mets GM-turned-failed-analyst gushed over how big Ramirez was during a workout session.
MLB eventually approved the red carpet for Ramirez to show their gratitude for enduring the 50-game suspension and setting the example for why it doesn’t pay to take steroids, make a ton of money, get caught, get cheered on by fans you never knew existed, play for a couple more years and retire on a beach somewhere.
Controversy bound to hover over Moyer's pursuit of all-time home run record
Jamie Moyer lost another bid for his 250th career win in Monday’s 5-3 loss to the Marlins, but inched closer to becoming baseball’s all-time home run [given up] leader.
The fourth-inning jack by Wes Helms gave Moyer 477 for his career, 28 behind Phillies great Robin Roberts’ 505 for the all-time record, which could fall later this season.
“If Moyer gets to 506, baseball purists may put an asterisk by his name in the record books,” said ESPN’s Buster Olney. “There’s no doubt that his totals were inflated by steroid use, even if Moyer wasn’t the one actually taking them.”
Moyer has surrendered a slew of home runs to outed and suspected steroid users over the years including Manny Ramirez (10), Alex Rodriguez (6), Barry Bonds (5), Rafael Palmeiro (5), Brady Anderson (5), Juan Gonzalez (4) and Lenny Dykstra (1).
Meanwhile, Roberts was lit up by a far more respectable bunch, including Duke Snider (19), Hank Aaron (9), Jackie Robinson (9) and the ever-dangerous Wally Moon (9).
“I can’t help that every record nowadays has steroids attached to it,” said Moyer. “Did a lot of my home runs come from the bats of known steroid users? Yes. Could I allow 500 home runs without them? Probably.”
Manny’s ovarian issues highlight growing problem in MLB
Manny Ramirez will be suspended for 50 games after using a women’s fertility drug prescribed by his doctor. The Dodgers outfielder has apparently struggled alongside countless other women in this country with pregnancy issues, which places Ramirez on the growing list of major league players now known to have lady bits.
Ramirez has repeatedly denied use of any performance enhancing drugs, but will not appeal the suspension and subsequent loss of $7.7 million in salary “out of respect to the system, and let’s be real here … I was gonna hang it up for at least 50 games this season anyway, so it kinda works out,” according to Ramirez.
Alex Rodriguez was also recently caught with his vag showing by denying steroid use on national television in 2007 and admitting to steroid use on national television two years later this past February.
Rodriguez and Ramirez are only part of a larger, growing list of high-profile athletes that have traded in their jocks for tampons, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. Each player was once thought to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, but will now be denied entrance by baseball writers due to their lack of any semblance of male reproductive organs.
“These guys masqueraded around for years like they were in the same boat as greats like Mays, Aaron and Ted Williams, but one by one we’re finding out the truth about these frauds,” said LA Times writer Bill Plaschke. “It’s not so much the fact that they have snatches that really bothers me about it … just the fact that they lied about it this whole time, you know what I mean?”
Albert Pujols is expected to be named to the list in the coming days or years, at which time Major League Baseball will officially be forced to erase 96.2% of its record book from 1994 to 2007.