Report: Philly fan watching now America’s favorite pastime
Philly fan watching has officially passed American football as the top spectator sport in the country, according to a recent report.
The sport — played professionally in the National Philly Dipshits League, or NPDL — has enjoyed a renaissance of late thanks to a record-shattering performance by Matthew Clemmens when he projectile vomited on an off-duty police officer and his young daughter. Two standout players recently followed up that feat with back-to-back field jumping games, giving the league much-deserved national attention and the number one spot on Sportscenter’s “Top Plays”.
Even with the popularity of “the Santa Claus thing” and “booing Donovan McNabb” in the past, the NPDL failed to top the “big four” major sports leagues of MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL in terms of popularity. However, the sport has grown so quickly over the past year that it now draws more fans than all of the four major sports leagues combined.
Media coverage is at an all-time high and Philadelphia dipshits are starting to feel the pressure to live up to the hype and stay on top.
“Without the media coverage, this sport would have died years ago,” said Rich Hopkins, a NPDL star in the 1970s. “Without the exposure, we would just be a handful of douchebags with no lives. Instead, we’re a handful of douchebags with no lives that can get national attention since all eyes are now fixed on our league. Accepting the national challenge to keep the alleged title of worst sports fans in the country is really the only way we can justify our miserable existence as douchebags with no lives.”
Anyone looking to join the NPDL should meet in the middle of the Schuylkill for tryouts.
Brad Lidge Tasered after jogging onto field in 9th inning
A police officer used a Taser gun to apprehend Phillies pitcher Brad Lidge after he jogged onto the field in the ninth inning in an apparent attempt to participate in Monday night’s game.
Lidge, wearing a white pinstriped jersey and a red cap, opened the gate to the bullpen and proceeded to jog toward the pitching mound, eluding two security officers in the top of the ninth inning against the St. Louis Cardinals. One officer used a Taser and Lidge went down in a heap. Several Phillies placed gloves over their faces and appeared to be stifling laughter at the wild scene.
“This is the first time that a Taser gun has been used to apprehend Brad Lidge for entering the field of play,” a Phillies spokesman said in a statement. “The Phillies are currently discussing whether this was an appropriate use of force to keep Lidge from coming onto the field.”
The Phillies dealt with 67 separate instances of Lidge entering the field late in games last season and hope that the use of a Taser will cut down on similar outbursts in the future.