Mets’ Santana to test arm against lifeless batters
March 5, 2010 by Billy
After facing live batters for the first time since having season-ending elbow surgery last year, Johan Santana is scheduled to throw lifeless batters over the weekend. Santana threw 40 pitches, including his signature slider, to living, breathing humans in front of much of the Mets’ brass Thursday... [Read more...]
IOC admits about six Olympic events made up on plane ride
February 16, 2010 by Zaki
The International Olympic Committe (IOC) members confessed that alcohol and extreme boredom on the plane ride to Vancouver led to the creation of at least six Winter Olympic events. “There’s a reason you’ve never heard of some of these events and it’s because we made it up a couple... [Read more...]
NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest taken off life support
February 15, 2010 by Zaki
After ten years in a persistent vegetative state, the NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest has died just a few hours after its 26th birthday. The brain-dead event was removed from life support early Sunday morning when four NBA players realized they had finally run out of ways to thrust a basketball through... [Read more...]
Thousands flee as obnoxious Saints fans hit New Orleans
February 8, 2010 by Zaki
Much of New Orleans has been destroyed after a drunken orgy of Saints fans ripped through the city late Sunday night, leveling everything in its path. Hundreds of thousands managed to evacuate the city before it was pummeled, but others were left behind and watched as their beloved city was reduced to... [Read more...]
Lazy recruit fully intends to sign letter of intent at some point
February 4, 2010 by Zaki
Top football recruit Edward Upsher announced on Wednesday’s signing day that he will definitely sign a letter of intent to a major university when he gets around to it. “I am committed to sitting down with my family in the next couple months to figure out where I’m going to play football... [Read more...]
Brett Favre may return next season as Peyton Manning
January 25, 2010 by Zaki
Following Sunday’s loss to the New Orleans Saints, Vikings quarterback Brett Favre wasted no time in announcing his intentions to return to the NFL next season, hopefully as Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “There will be no retirement this year. I’m definitely coming back,”... [Read more...]
Richard Simmons looks to help injury-plagued Mets fill holes
January 14, 2010 by Zaki
The New York Mets officially announced that fitness guru Richard Simmons will be joining the team this spring to try and fill several gaping holes on the Mets roster and encourage healthier living. “I’m so excited to be here! Like, really excited!” Simmons exclaimed during a Thursday... [Read more...]
McGwire: Steroids won’t improve foot-mouth coordination
Mark McGwire finally came clean, admitting he used steroids for over a decade during his playing career, but he disputed the notion that the drugs ever improved his foot-to-mouth coordination. “I believe I was given this gift,” McGwire said during an interview on Monday. “I took steroids... [Read more...]
Snickering David Stern temporarily reinstates Gilbert Arenas
Two days after indefinitely suspending Gilbert Arenas for his recent behavior, NBA Commissioner David Stern had his way with the troubled guard by temporarily lifting his suspension for all of three minutes. “I brought him into my office to tell him the suspension was over,” Stern said on... [Read more...]
Report: Urban Meyer still alive, just stepping down from Florida
December 27, 2009 by Zaki
According to a report by University of Florida head coach Urban Meyer, University of Florida head coach Urban Meyer is actually still alive and will just be stepping down as head coach due to health concerns. On Sunday, Meyer responded to the exaggerated coverage of his resignation that made it seem... [Read more...]
