Jayson Werth still refusing to talk about junk in beard
March 20, 2010 by Zaki
Jayson Werth has made it clear to the media this spring that he does not want to discuss his new-look beard, even if he’s got a bunch of shit in it. “At least five times a day, we have to tell him to ‘go like this’,” Jimmy Rollins said, motioning his hand to wipe around... [Read more...]
Amaro, Phillies flatly deny existence of Albert Pujols
March 16, 2010 by Zaki
In response to a report of the Phillies having internal discussions about trading Ryan Howard to the St. Louis Cardinals for Albert Pujols, Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro vehemently denied any knowledge of “who or what an Albert Pujols is.” “Whoever wrote the erroneous report... [Read more...]
Report: Halladay retires six Yankee batters on two pitches
New Phillies ace Roy Halladay reportedly needed only two pitches to retire six of the seven Yankee batters he faced in Thursday’s Spring Training opener. “He was every bit as amazing as we thought he’d be,” Raul Ibanez said of Roy Halladay’s performance. “To go out... [Read more...]
Manuel reports no pain after watching Lidge throw off mound
February 26, 2010 by Zaki
Charlie Manuel told reporters that he felt no pain while watching Brad Lidge throw 30 pitches off of a mound on Thursday. “I really felt good out there today,” Manuel said of his Lidge-watching session. “A lot of people didn’t know this, but I watched in a good deal of pain for... [Read more...]
Rollins ends prediction business to pursue career in baseball
Local fortune teller Jimmy Rollins will leave his profession of nearly 10 years to pursue his life-long dream of becoming a successful leadoff hitter in professional baseball. “It’s been years since I’ve made good on any of my predictions, so I figure I’d cut my losses and give... [Read more...]
Pitchers, catchers reporting that it’s not that warm down here
February 17, 2010 by Zaki
Though Phillies’ pitchers and catchers aren’t officially required to report until Thursday, many reported early on Wednesday that they were expecting things to be a little warmer than this. “You just assume it would be warm in Florida, but it’s not,” Chad Durbin reported... [Read more...]
Carlos Ruiz reluctantly agrees to hair extension
January 26, 2010 by Zaki
Though it looked like Carlos Ruiz and the Phillies were ready to end negotiations, the two sides were finally able to come to terms on a new hair extension. “It looked like we weren’t going to get anything done for a while there,” Ruiz said on Tuesday. “I was asking for an actual... [Read more...]
Phillies’ Blanton seeking $10.25 million in unmarked bills
A man now identified as the Phillies’ Joe Blanton appears to have officially lost his mind after walking into a local Citizens Bank and demanding $10.25 million in unmarked bills from the teller. Though he isn’t carrying any weapons and doesn’t appear interested in holding anyone hostage,... [Read more...]
Lidge out 4-6 weeks after doctor blows fifth surgery of season
January 15, 2010 by Zaki
Unable to successfully complete his one job in life, surgeon Fran Gargiulo botched a simple procedure on Phillies closer Brad Lidge, who will now likely be out for the next four to six weeks as a result. “It was a pretty simple procedure and I’ve done it hundreds of times before, but things... [Read more...]
Phillies dealt Cliff Lee to replenish candy bowl in lobby
December 17, 2009 by Zaki
On a day when the Phillies officially introduced Roy Halladay during a press conference, Wednesday’s talk seemed to center around the trade that sent Cliff Lee to the Mariners for assorted pieces of candy. Many Phillies fans felt like the team should have tried to keep both Lee and Halladay in... [Read more...]
