New Hamels just old Hamels with fake mustache

April 8, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

The critically-acclaimed 2010 version of Cole Hamels made his regular season debut on Wednesday against the Nationals, which just turned out to be a mustachioed version of 2009 Cole Hamels.

“If he didn’t have that thing on, I’d say he didn’t change a thing from last year,” said Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee of Hamels and his fake mustache. “Hopefully he takes that [expletive] off and uses the new pitches we worked on the next time he goes out there.”

Hamels picked up the win despite throwing 103 pitches in just five innings of work, giving up two unearned runs on five hits and four walks.

The Phillies will look for the series sweep against the Nationals tonight as Kyle Kendrick debuts his new “keep-it-in-the-ballpark” pitch and Iguodala glasses.

Hamels lit up in debut; Suddenly Myers' opening night start doesn't look half bad

April 11, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Phillies

Cole Hamels made his season debut against the Rockies on Friday and was Eaton’d (v. - to have your face beaten in on the mound and get taken out of the game with zero dignity and your tail tucked neatly between your legs) to the tune of allowing 11 hits and seven earned runs in only 3.2 innings in the 10-3 loss.

Hamels was the latest Phillie to take the hill and get Eaton’d worse than the previous night’s starter. Brett Myers kicked the season off allowing a minuscule four runs in six innings followed by Jamie Moyer’s ho-hum four runs in five innings of work. Joe Blanton took it up a notch by allowing seven runs in only four innings of work, then Hamels was like “You think that was pathetic? Check this out” and proceeded to post the worst outing by a Phils starter to date.

“Getting Eaton’d out there night after night is tough,” said Rich Dubee. “At this point, we’ll settle for a Kendricking. What…too soon?”

Taschner becomes easiest Phillie to heckle since Mick Mahbaws

March 29, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Phillies

The Phillies acquired lefthanded relief pitcher Jack Taschner from the Giants on Friday. The soon-to-be 31-year-old brings his career 5.01 ERA in 178 games to Philadelphia and will no doubt suffer the same torment from Phillies fans that outfielder Mick Mahbaws did back in the 1890s.

“You hear stories about the way they treated Mahbaws back then,” said Charlie Manuel. “Mahbaws stunk. He was a really awful player, and I just hope Jack settles in and doesn’t suffer the same fate as Mahbaws.”

Taschner, who was brought in to provide relief while J.C. Romero serves his 50-games suspension, will hopefully be able to deal with any heckling better than Mahbaws did.

“Mick would often fight back with the fans that gave him a hard time, and it got ugly sometimes,” said Phils pitching coach Rich Dubee. “The fans would scream something like ‘you suck Mahbaws!’ and he’d actually run up into the stands and go to town on the guy. Some fans loved Mahbaws, and some hated him, but Mahbaws was definitely dirty.”