DiLeo politely gives two-week notice; Hunt for future ex-Sixers coach begins

Interim head coach Tony DiLeo will not return to coach the Sixers next season and will instead return to his former position of senior vice president/assistant general manager.

Though DiLeo gave his two-week notice on Monday, everyone in the Sixers organization knows that he’s probably just going to phone it in and surf the net all day for the next two weeks.

“I made the decision not to come back because I wanted to spend more time with my family,” said DiLeo on Monday. “That assistant GM title is just front office speak for ‘chillax and watch basketball’ and will allow me the free time I need.”

The Sixers have already begun their post-Dileo-era head coach search.  Eddie Jordan, Doug Collins and — hopefully, based on potential for satire — Avery Johnson have been named as possible replacements in the early going.

Dwight Howard, Sixers watch Game 6 annihilation from hotel rooms

Satisfied with their seemingly comfortable Game 6 win on paper, the Sixers elected to watch the actual 114-89 flogging from their respective homes and hotel rooms.

Haphazard elbows from Dwight Howard in the previous game knocked himself (suspension) and Courtney Lee (fractured sinus) from being able to participate in last night’s game. The absence of two of Orlando’s starters gave the Sixers a commanding edge in Game 6 which they managed to turn into a debilitating handicap.

“No [Dwight] Howard, no [Courtney] Lee…and we get baked worse than we have in any game this series,” said Tony DiLeo. “I guess we actually were better off letting Howard camp out in the lane.”

Sixers no match for Garnett-less, Allen-less Celtics; Losing streak still intact

The Sixers showed that they truly belong in the playoffs by losing to the 2006-07 version of the Boston Celtics — that finished with the second-worst record in the league that year at 24-58 — by a score of 100-98. With both Kevin Garnett (injury) and Ray Allen (suspension) absent from the game, the Celtics starting five consisted of leftovers from the 06-07 squad that were so horrendous, that they finished a full 11 games behind the Sixers.

In spite of the loss, the Sixers have managed to keep their sizzling losing streak alive that now stands at six games. The streak and the Sixers’ imposing 40-41 record would draw significant attention in any other major sports league such as the NFL or MLB, but the nature of the NBA is one of extreme lunacy and unprofitability, so it remains a non-story.

“That’s how it goes in the NBA,” said head coach Tony DiLeo. “It’s reassuring to know that you can fail more often than not, and still have a shot at the title at the end of the year. We’ll probably just be some team’s punching bag in the first round…but it’s nice to dream anyway.”

Injuries may place scoring load square on Dalembert’s shoulders

With Elton Brand lost for the season and Thaddeus Young down for at least the next two weeks,Tony DiLeo will look for someone to shoulder the offensive load in their absence.

Dalembert is having his worst offensive season since his rookie campaign, but he may need to close out the season by improving on his 5.3 shots per game and 6.3 ppg to take approximately 31 or so shots each game and average about 57 points in order for the Sixers to have a realistic shot in the upcoming playoffs.

“Somebody has to step in and take over the scoring load that Thad has taken on lately,” said Dalembert. “I just hope it’s not me…just saying the word ‘offense’ gives me jelly legs and dimes give me hives. In fact, if I make it to the end of the season, that’ll make it two months without a breakout.”

DiLeo unveils radical strategy involving defending, making three-point shots

Sixers head coach Tony DiLeo has indicated that the team’s recent slide has backed him into a corner where he’s ready to try anything to get his team back into the win column.

“I’ve noticed that quite a few teams are making use of what I’m being told is a three-point arc,” said DiLeo, who poured through hours of video and noticed players were awarded an extra point for shots beyond said arc. “I came up with a new way to possibly stop other teams from using this against us by placing the palm of your hand directly in their face. I’ll also instruct my players to take more of these longer shots in practice. This strategy just might change the entire game of basketball.”

DiLeo and the Sixers will try and implement their new plan as they travel to face the Grizzlies in Memphis, TN on Saturday.

Brand returns, Sixers win anyway

The 76ers overcame the return of their star forward Elton Brand to down the Knicks 116-110 on Saturday. The Sixers have won eight of their last nine games including seven in a row while Brand rehabbed his separated right shoulder. In Brand’s absence, the Sixers seemed to find their rhythm and head coach Tony DiLeo developed a game plan will keep Brand on the bench, even after their prized offseason acquisition is fully recovered.

“We’re realizing that our best use of Brand is actually to not use him at all…or sparingly at least,” DiLeo said. “He’s making something like $50 trillion dollars this year, but if our team is doing better without him, don’t fix what ain’t broke, you know what I mean?”

The Sixers will travel to New Orleans on Monday to face Chris Paul and the Hornets. According to DiLeo, Brand will likely either watch the game from the locker room or stay behind in Philadelphia and watch it at a local bar just to make sure he doesn’t interfere with the Sixers’ game plan.

“Whatever I have to do to help the team at this point is what I’ll do,” Brand said. “If that means sitting at home eating Cheetos and watching American Idol, then I’ll just have to live with that.”