Nike to outfit Eagles receivers with new hands

Eagles wide receivers will be the first to wear uniquely designed Nike hands for the team’s next game against Dallas, the company announced Friday.

The Nike Pro Combat Hand is engineered to provide the receiver with the openability and closeability necessary to catch an NFL football in the end zone while utilizing advanced fabrics to reduce weight, Nike said in a release.

The Eagles are also in talks with Nike to develop a Pro Combat Gameclock designed specifically to reduce excess timeouts.

Cowboys players upset that Wade Phillips gets to leave

Several Cowboys players are calling the firing of Wade Phillips “unfair” and are demanding that team owner Jerry Jones send them home as well.

“How am I gonna explain this to my wife and kids that I got retained by the Dallas Cowboys? ” Marion Barber said on Tuesday. “Wade Phillips is let off the hook while the rest of us are left here trying to figure out where our careers are headed right now. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.”

Offensive coordinator Jason Garrett will take over at head coach for the departed Phillips but will not use the position on his resume while looking for a better job.

Eagles lose 392-7, reports guy who quit watching at halftime

The Eagles are just assumed to have lost to the Cowboys in Saturday’s wildcard matchup, though no one in the entire Tri-State area actually watched the end of the game to confirm the final outcome or score.

A local man named Jerry Cole reported Sunday morning that the score was “probably 392-7 or some s-t like that.”

“I stopped watching at halftime, but that sounds about right,” Cole added.

Another man that threw his television out of his window midway through the third quarter claimed the 392-7 score was grossly inaccurate.

“I probably watched more of the game than anybody, and I’m telling you the final score was about 84-7,” said Greg Alban, who read a book for the remainder of the game after his television was destroyed.

The Cowboys will move on to face the Minnesota Vikings next week while the Eagles will face an exciting offseason that will probably include letting Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook go and signing Plaxico Burress or someone else that will piss off most of the fan base.

D-Jax via Twitter: Cowboys shall inherit a sound thumping

DeSean Jackson of the Portsmouth Jacksons took to Twitter on Sunday and had quite a few biting words for the division rival Cowboys.

“Our rival American footballing club ought to keep a lively eye to their hind parts,” Jackson tweeted of the Cowboys. “My colleagues and I are prepared to issue a sound thumping until the bandits have met their defeat.”

After Jackson’s negative comments garnered national attention, the first-time Pro-Bowler issued an apology on Tuesday via Twitter.

“It appears my ballyhoo from Sunday’s eve has caused quite an unwelcome rumpus,” said the follow-up Jackson tweet. “I know the Cowboys to be a fine band of fellows and hope they will accept my forthright apology. It’s such a silly thing to gibe another through an electronic device to begin with. I don’t know what came over me.”

Clearly not ready, Eagles call ‘do-over’ against Cowboys

The Eagles took the field on Sunday but were completely caught off guard when the Cowboys started playing the football game before the Eagles were even ready.

“I mean, can we even get set first?” Donovan McNabb asked the Cowboys during the third quarter of the game. “I just don’t think this is fair at all. I call do-over on this. We need a re-do.”

NFL rules dictate that if a team gets shutout by a division rival on the final week of the regular season and is able to actually show their face in public again, then said team is allowed a ‘do-over’. Had the Cowboys called ‘no do-overs’ prior to the game, the Eagles would have had to accept the loss without a ‘re-do’.

“The Cowboys started the game and we clearly weren’t ready,” said Andy Reid on Monday. “It’s against the rules and everybody knows it. I think it’s cheap. I’m just glad Donovan called ‘do-over’. Hopefully they’ll let us get ready this time.”

Romo asks to take over janitor duties for Cowboys

In an act of uncanny selflessness, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has volunteered his services this week to clean the team’s bathroom facilities.

Team officials have yet to commit to a janitor for this weekend, but have spent the practice week working out potential candidates. Current bathroom conditions have been linked to the struggles of kicker, Nick Folk.

“I am having a difficult time getting into a rhythm while I am on the can,” said an obviously frustrated Folk. “By the time I realize there is no TP, it’s too late. I haven’t had a clean transition in ages.”

Astute observers will recall Romo’s last experience in this capacity in the 2007 NFC Divisional playoff game. With a nearly spotless record, Romo unexpectedly left a massive turd in the middle of the playing surface. His unsuccessful scoop and score attempt to conceal it effectively ended Dallas’ playoff run. Despite recurring nightmares, Romo appears ready to put that turd behind him.

“When you’re the quarterback of a football team, really all that matters is hygiene,” Romo said Thursday. “If this helps us with that, I’m going to do it”