Yankees unsure what part of ‘f-k off’ Derek Jeter not getting

Though Yankees GM Brian Cashman originally thought Derek Jeter was a pretty smart guy, the team announced Wednesday that it remains unsure which part of ‘fuck off’ that the captain is failing to understand.

“We’re trying to be respectful by asking him politely to fuck off and find another team,” Cashman said of Jeter, who stands 74 hits away from 3,000 for his Hall of Fame career. “We want nothing to do with the little shit, but he’s too much of a loser to see that.”

Cashman said that if Jeter is still hanging around here tomorrow and hasn’t found a new team to annoy the fuck out of, things could get pretty ugly.

Jeter’s 15th straight Lead Foot Award draws major criticism

Derek Jeter celebrated a World Series championship with his teammates last week and will now celebrate his 15th consecutive American League Lead Foot Award at the shortstop position.

The award typically goes to the player at each position with the range of a morbidly obese paraplegic, but some feel that other more deserving candidates were snubbed for this year’s award.

“I think Jeter’s quicksand range at his position is well documented and no one is disputing his lack of ability to field a ball hit slowly up the middle, but we have to make sure this award went to the right guy,” said one anonymous American League general manager. “Most American League shortstops are more than capable of fielding the routine grounders that seem to give Jeter such a difficult time, so I’m not saying he didn’t deserve his Lead Foot, but let’s not just give it to the guy based on his reputation alone is all I’m saying.”

Jeter did an excellent job of fielding balls hit directly at his glove, which also earned him his fourth Gold Glove of his career.

MLB adopts new ‘Most Valuable Jeter’ award

In an effort to finally award Derek Jeter for his outstanding effort on the baseball field, Major League Baseball will award its first ever Most Valuable Jeter Award this off-season to the most valuable player in the league with the last name Jeter.

“Derek Jeter is invaluable to this league and it’s a shame he has no hardware to show for it,” Commissioner Bud Selig said. “Statistics don’t always tell the story of how valuable a player is. With players like Derek Jeter, you have to use other factors, like his last name.”

Last week, Jeter passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader in Yankee history with his 2,722nd base knock, but he has been snubbed each of his previous 14 seasons as the league’s Most Valuable Player.

According to the criteria set forth by the Commissioner’s office, Jeter is the front runner to win the first ever award. Through Monday’s games, the Yankee shortstop leads all eligible players in over 60 different statistical categories.

“If he’s the leader in 60 different statistical categories, then I guess he deserves the award,” said fellow Yankee Mark Teixeira, who leads the AL with 111 RBIs and is second with 35 home runs. “Home runs and RBIs may fill up the stat sheet, but Jete’s got something like 295 intangibles this season. Most of us are walking around with zero and this guy has 295. It’s time to get this guy some hardware.”

An award will be given out in both the American and National Leagues, although no clear cut candidate has emerged from the National League as of yet. While Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols have led their respective teams to potential playoff berths, neither appear to have the last name Jeter, which is the central criteria for the award.