Amaro considers shaking the hell out of entire Phillies roster

General manager Ruben Amaro Jr. announced Wednesday that he has thought about shaking the living shit out of his entire 25-man roster, which could happen as soon as this weekend.

Since May 22, the Phillies are just 7-15 and have struggled at the plate, hitting just .216 as a team over that span.

“We’re not making any major moves here,” Amaro said after Wednesday’s 6-3 win over the Yankees. “I’m just going to gently put my hands around each of my players’ necks and proceed to shake the life out of them until they wake up and realize they’re elite professional athletes again. That’s all.”

Amaro will monitor the progress of his team after the shaking and said that, if necessary, he will “trade the shit out of every last player on the team, with the exception of Chase Utley, for he can do no wrong.”

Werth, Reggie Jackson meet to discuss Reggie Jackson

The New York Post reported that Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth met with former Yankee Reggie Jackson last Friday for lunch.

On Monday, Werth denied that Jackson tried to recruit him to play for the Yankees next season and insisted that Jackson spent the bulk of the meeting talking about himself, pausing only to ask if Werth could “get at this [bill].”

“I couldn’t get two words in. Not two words,” said Werth of his meeting with Jackson, who is a long-time family friend. “Even if I wanted to talk about playing for [the Yankees] next year, I couldn’t find a break in the conversation to bring it up.”

Jackson, a Yankees official, also met with Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia after the 2008 season in an apparent recruiting visit.

“He went on and on about his days with the Yankees,” Sabathia said of his lunch with Jackson. “He did stop to say ‘slow down, you’re not even chewing’ at one point, but he’s Mr. October, so I just let him keep talking.”

Report: Halladay retires six Yankee batters on two pitches

New Phillies ace Roy Halladay reportedly needed only two pitches to retire six of the seven Yankee batters he faced in Thursday’s Spring Training opener.

“He was every bit as amazing as we thought he’d be,” Raul Ibanez said of Roy Halladay’s performance. “To go out there and retire 12 batters on one pitch is just sick.”

The only baserunner allowed during Halladay’s 19-inning outing came on a throwing error by Placido Polanco in the first inning. Polanco would later apologize to Halladay and praised his new teammate for an impressive no-pitch performance that killed at least five Yankees.

Chan Ho Park takes less money to play with the Yankees

What just happened here?

Chan Ho Park reportedly turned down a one-year, $3.25 million contract from the Phillies earlier in the offseason and is now saying he has signed with the Yankees for $1.2 million? Roy Halladay takes less money so he can come to Philly and win a championship while Chan Ho skips town for less money.

I guess he feels like he has a better shot of winning a ring with the Yanks in 2010, but I’d sure like to figure out the real reason why he’d turn down $2 million just to play with the Yankees, who had missed the playoffs the year before.

My theory is that his heart still lies in Philly and is willing to accept less money to sabotage the Yankee bullpen…from within. He’s a narc. He’ll gain the trust of the Yankee faithful all season, then give up back-to-back gopher balls to Chase and Ryno to win Game 7 of the 2010 World Series. Only thing is, we now have Jose Contreras, a former Yankee, on our squad who could very well be on the inside for the Yanks.

Or Chan Ho could just be some sicko that gets his kicks by playing ball in New York. Either way, thanks for the solid 2009 and we all wish you all the worst in 2010 while with the Yankees. You sick bastard. And I mean that in the most respectable way.

Rumor: Halladay headed to Target for a couple things

Rumors out of the Winter Meetings in Indianapolis now have Roy Halladay headed to a nearby Target for socks and possibly some toothpaste.

“That’s what we’re hearing this morning,” said ESPN’s Jayson Stark of the potential Halladay move. “It could happen later in the day, but it looks like his wife is prepared to send him to Target for a few errands.”

It had been widely speculated that the Blue Jays would trade Halladay before the season starts to either the Phillies, Angels, Red Sox or Yankees, but now it appears the former Cy Young Award winner is headed elsewhere.

“I don’t know how much stock you can put in rumors like this,” said Ruben Amaro on Thursday. “Yesterday, the big rumor was he was headed to the Angels and now he’s going to a Target. Tomorrow it’ll be something different. I think I even heard something about him going to the Phillies. I know. Crazy stuff, right?”

Jeter’s 15th straight Lead Foot Award draws major criticism

Derek Jeter celebrated a World Series championship with his teammates last week and will now celebrate his 15th consecutive American League Lead Foot Award at the shortstop position.

The award typically goes to the player at each position with the range of a morbidly obese paraplegic, but some feel that other more deserving candidates were snubbed for this year’s award.

“I think Jeter’s quicksand range at his position is well documented and no one is disputing his lack of ability to field a ball hit slowly up the middle, but we have to make sure this award went to the right guy,” said one anonymous American League general manager. “Most American League shortstops are more than capable of fielding the routine grounders that seem to give Jeter such a difficult time, so I’m not saying he didn’t deserve his Lead Foot, but let’s not just give it to the guy based on his reputation alone is all I’m saying.”

Jeter did an excellent job of fielding balls hit directly at his glove, which also earned him his fourth Gold Glove of his career.

Hamels, Howard taking devastating World Series loss in stride

The Phillies lost their bid to become the first back-to-back World Series champions since the 1976 Cincinnati Reds as the Yankees took home their 27th championship in team history. Many members of the Phils could barely pull themselves off the dugout floor after taking a roundhouse kick to the junk, but Cole Hamels and Ryan Howard managed to hold their heads high in defeat.

“Oh my gosh, it’s finally over!” exclaimed Hamels, somehow in the middle of the Yankees clubhouse celebration. “It’s something I honestly thought would never happen but here we are and it’s just unreal. Such an incredible feeling. I’m glowing…do you see this? I’m actually glowing right now.”

Howard set a World Series record by striking out 13 times in the six-game series, but was relatively upbeat after Wednesday’s loss.

“I’m not gonna lie, it does hurt a little,” Howard said after spraying the Bronx crowd with two bottles of champagne. “But I don’t think anyone should be disappointed with the way things turned out. People are probably gonna say that we could have easily beat the Yanks and you know what? They’re probably right. But DJ Hero is finally out for my Xbox and I’ve only got about 96 days to get rollin’ on that, so…umm…love, peace and chicken grease, I’m out.”