Yanks release 24 to make room on roster for Bartolo Colon
The New York Yankees announced that they have released 24 players from their 25-man roster, including perennial All-Stars Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, to clear room for right-handed pitcher Bartolo Colon.
“Yesterday, we were informed by Major League Baseball that we could no longer get away with counting Bartolo as only one man,” Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said. “Technically, we were supposed to release 57 men to account for Bartolo, but [Bud] Selig said he would cut us a break this time.”
This marks the largest roster move in the organization’s history since 2009 when the team was forced to clear out their entire minor league system to make room for a CC Sabathia rehab start.
Slimmer CC Sabathia now down to seven chins
Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia followed an exercise program this offseason that resulted in the ace shedding five chins and is now down to the lowest number of chins of his playing career at seven.
Following early spring workouts, Sabathia said he could feel the difference.
“Having fewer chins has really helped with my balance on the mound,” Sabathia said. “But the hard part now is to make sure I keep the chins off.”
While the Yankees commended Sabathia for his chinloss, the team is disappointed that non-roster invitee Bartolo Colon put on 62 chins and keeps eating the other non-roster invitees.
President Obama urges patience in war on Alex Rodriguez
As the war against Alex Rodriguez moves into its 35th year, President Obama asked the country to remain patient on Wednesday while paparazzi, Fox broadcasters and more than 135,000 U.S. troops work tirelessly day and night to find the Yankee wherever he is and piss him off.
The President’s comments came three days after a successful campaign in Dallas, TX that sent Rodriguez into a blind rage after operatives successfully broadcast Cameron Diaz hand-feeding the insurgent some popcorn at the Super Bowl.
“While that was a job well done by our brave servicemen and women and pretty damn funny, this war is far from over,” Obama said during a speech at the Pentagon about the war on Alex Rodriguez. “This she-man is our top priority and I assure you that we are out to get it. Along with the rest of the nation, we are completely obsessed with it and its every move.”
Many critics of the war have called for more diplomacy in asking Rodriguez to just stop making himself such an easy target all the time, but previous attempts to reach out to the international fugitive have only resulted in even more autoerotic behavior.
Several countries have recently come to the aid of the U.S., including Rodriguez’s native Dominican Republic, who have cut all ties to the insurgent and will send 3,000 soldiers to the U.S. to “make sure the insufferable little s-t never tries to enter [their] country again,” according to a Dominican official.
Ruben Amaro: ‘Sit. Roll over. That’s a good Yankees!’
After allowing the Yankees to play around with the idea of signing Cliff Lee for a few months, Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro snatched Lee from the Yankees mouth and commanded the team to sit like a good Yankees.
“Who’s a good boy! Yes! You’re such a good boy, aren’t you!” Amaro said of New York, who really deserves a treat. “You gave up Cliff Lee all by yourself! Didn’t you! Yes you did! You didn’t try to fight me or anything because you know who daddy is! Yes you do! Yes you do!”
Sources indicate that while New York still has a CC Sabathia and an Alex Rodriguez to play with, they were seen wallowing around the house looking sad and incredibly pathetic.
Yankees unsure what part of ‘f-k off’ Derek Jeter not getting
Though Yankees GM Brian Cashman originally thought Derek Jeter was a pretty smart guy, the team announced Wednesday that it remains unsure which part of ‘fuck off’ that the captain is failing to understand.
“We’re trying to be respectful by asking him politely to fuck off and find another team,” Cashman said of Jeter, who stands 74 hits away from 3,000 for his Hall of Fame career. “We want nothing to do with the little shit, but he’s too much of a loser to see that.”
Cashman said that if Jeter is still hanging around here tomorrow and hasn’t found a new team to annoy the fuck out of, things could get pretty ugly.
Yankees worried ugly fan behavior could develop into trend
Following Tuesday’s revelation that the wife of Rangers pitcher Cliff Lee was harassed by fans at Yankee Stadium during the playoffs, Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner expressed his concern over “what seems to be a new, disturbing trend of our fans harassing other fans.”
“We’re all shocked, to say the least,” said Steinbrenner. “With our long, rich history of the most well-behaved fans in the game and our deep influence on major media markets so stories like this never see the light of day, we’re just stunned that this could ever happen.”
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said Wednesday that he plans on combating the issue of fan harassment in baseball by asking Philadelphia fans to behave themselves.
Toddler becomes youngest to not give a damn about A-Rod
A Virginia toddler made history on Wednesday as the youngest person to not give a damn about anything that Alex Rodriguez is doing or will ever do.
Eric Dalrymple, 3, reached the milestone after not giving a damn about Rodriguez becoming the youngest to ever hit 600 career home runs. With the feat, the toddler joins an active list of 6.5 billion people uninterested in anything relating to Rodriguez.
“He used steroids and is an enormous tool, so I’m not sure why hitting 600 home runs should mean anything to anyone,” said Dalrymple, a teething infant.
“Cookie Monster! Ppppbbbbttttt!” added Dalrymple.
Amaro considers shaking the hell out of entire Phillies roster
General manager Ruben Amaro Jr. announced Wednesday that he has thought about shaking the living shit out of his entire 25-man roster, which could happen as soon as this weekend.
Since May 22, the Phillies are just 7-15 and have struggled at the plate, hitting just .216 as a team over that span.
“We’re not making any major moves here,” Amaro said after Wednesday’s 6-3 win over the Yankees. “I’m just going to gently put my hands around each of my players’ necks and proceed to shake the life out of them until they wake up and realize they’re elite professional athletes again. That’s all.”
Amaro will monitor the progress of his team after the shaking and said that, if necessary, he will “trade the shit out of every last player on the team, with the exception of Chase Utley, for he can do no wrong.”
Werth, Reggie Jackson meet to discuss Reggie Jackson
The New York Post reported that Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth met with former Yankee Reggie Jackson last Friday for lunch.
On Monday, Werth denied that Jackson tried to recruit him to play for the Yankees next season and insisted that Jackson spent the bulk of the meeting talking about himself, pausing only to ask if Werth could “get at this [bill].”
“I couldn’t get two words in. Not two words,” said Werth of his meeting with Jackson, who is a long-time family friend. “Even if I wanted to talk about playing for [the Yankees] next year, I couldn’t find a break in the conversation to bring it up.”
Jackson, a Yankees official, also met with Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia after the 2008 season in an apparent recruiting visit.
“He went on and on about his days with the Yankees,” Sabathia said of his lunch with Jackson. “He did stop to say ‘slow down, you’re not even chewing’ at one point, but he’s Mr. October, so I just let him keep talking.”
Report: Halladay retires six Yankee batters on two pitches
New Phillies ace Roy Halladay reportedly needed only two pitches to retire six of the seven Yankee batters he faced in Thursday’s Spring Training opener.
“He was every bit as amazing as we thought he’d be,” Raul Ibanez said of Roy Halladay’s performance. “To go out there and retire 12 batters on one pitch is just sick.”
The only baserunner allowed during Halladay’s 19-inning outing came on a throwing error by Placido Polanco in the first inning. Polanco would later apologize to Halladay and praised his new teammate for an impressive no-pitch performance that killed at least five Yankees.
