Werth: Hitting not affecting focus of becoming a free agent
Jayson Werth strongly disagreed with Phillies manager Charlie Manuel that his hitting is starting to affect his main focus of becoming a free agent after the season.
“I think it’s hard not to get distracted by having to go up there and hit every night,” Manuel said when asked if Werth’s hitting could be a distraction from thinking about all the money he’s going to make as a free agent. “He’s been in the zone lately, completely focused on signing a long-term deal this winter. But sometimes his mind just wanders to working the count or how many outs there are.”
Werth spoke Thursday about Manuel’s comments and reiterated that his focus is on hitting the market and nothing else.
“I bust my hump out there every day trying to imagine what it would be like to own a small island with the money I’m going to make,” Werth said angrily. “Thinking about who has the ball is the last thing on my mind, I can promise you that.”
Jayson Werth successfully navigates bases without incident
Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth reached a new career milestone during Friday’s game against the Mets when he made his way around the bases for the first time ever without getting picked off, falling down, going to sleep, forgetting to breathe or wandering off to go find a bar.
“When he’s on base, Jayson seems interested in doing everything except staying on base,” said manager Charlie Manuel. “So to make it home the way he did is pretty much the equivalent of you or I curing cancer. It’s really nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t kill himself out there.”
With this milestone out of the way, Werth will now look toward driving in a run with two outs and runners in scoring position for the first time since high school gym class.
Horrible Sources: Phillies may trade Werth, may keep him
Incredibly horrible sources indicate that Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth may be traded before the July 31st trading deadline but, according to the same sources, there is also a chance he could stay.
Terrible sources noted that the Phillies remain buyers and will likely keep Werth. However, if the Phillies fall out of contention, the team will entertain a trade involving the outfielder, according to awful sources.
Horrible sources also indicate that it’s a miracle and a travesty that they are currently employed.
Phillies struggles continue against winless, armless pitcher
Pirates pitcher Ross Ohlendorf hadn’t won a game since August 18 of last season and hadn’t had arms in ever, but managed to hold the Phillies to five hits in seven shutout innings with eight strikeouts.
Ohlendorf had previously struggled with his lack of discernible talent or ability to grip and throw a baseball, but somehow excelled against the reigning National League champions, picking up his first win in nearly a full calendar year.
“We’ve been struggling for a while now, but I think this is a new low,” Jayson Werth said after the game. “It’s bad enough that the guy plays for the Pirates and has never held or thrown a baseball before, but to lose to a guy that hasn’t won a game since last August is kind of ridiculous.”
The Phillies lost to the Pirates the previous night when Daniel McCutchen, who carried an 0-3 record and an 11.00 ERA into the game and was born without a torso or bones, held the Phillies to one earned run over 5.1 innings.
Phillies unhappy with performance of new flaccid bats
The Phillies have been using a new line of limp, powerless wood bats for the past two weeks and are fuming over the lack of any pop whatsoever during games.
“We’re still trying to sort through who even ordered these things, but I can tell you I’ve never seen such lifeless bats in my life,” said Phillies equipment manager Stephen Powell. “I ordered our normal bats about a week ago but they still haven’t showed up. I just can’t believe it’s taken this long.”
The Phillies come back home to face the Padres on Friday, when fans will be able to see the completely flaccid bats and even more flaccid offense play for the first time since May 23.
Phillies honor fans by hitting like them for a week
The Phillies’ week-long celebration of their fans continued Thursday as the team once again hit as if they were one of their millions of fans with no professional training on how to hit a baseball.
“I dedicated my four at bats yesterday to the guys at Lee’s Hoagie House in Southampton,” said Jayson Werth, who struck out in three of his four plate appearances, which is probably what guys who run a sandwich joint could have done. “The double play I hit into was dedicated to Steve, who I know played a little ball in high school which is why I actually made some contact.”
Since the start of the celebration last Saturday, the Phillies have lost five straight and were shutout in three straight games by the division-rival Mets. There is no official word on when the team plans to end the tribute, but it will likely continue on Friday against the Marlins as the Phillies will face another mediocre pitcher in Chris Volstad.
Rollins, Werth sustain injuries after running up the score
Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro said he would wait until Wednesday’s game against the Nationals to determine the status of Jimmy Rollins and Jayson Werth, who were both injured while running up the score to historic levels to begin the season.
Though Rollins and Werth have run the score up hundreds of times throughout their careers, it appears neither player was physically ready to handle the early offensive explosion.
“I’ve never walked this many times in such a short period of time,” Jimmy Rollins said of his seven walks in just six games. “It’s just not something I’m conditioned to do.”
Werth left the game before the top of the sixth due to a sore hip flexor he said he aggravated after excessive activity on the base paths.
“It’s a minor injury, but I’m more concerned about how I’ll be affected down the road if we keep scoring like this,” Werth said. “I’ll avoid time on the DL if we could just ease up and win a couple games 2-1 every once in a while.”
With an off-day Tuesday, the Phils have extra time to evaluate the severity of both injuries and determine a more safe and healthy scoring pace for the team as a whole.
Werth, Reggie Jackson meet to discuss Reggie Jackson
The New York Post reported that Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth met with former Yankee Reggie Jackson last Friday for lunch.
On Monday, Werth denied that Jackson tried to recruit him to play for the Yankees next season and insisted that Jackson spent the bulk of the meeting talking about himself, pausing only to ask if Werth could “get at this [bill].”
“I couldn’t get two words in. Not two words,” said Werth of his meeting with Jackson, who is a long-time family friend. “Even if I wanted to talk about playing for [the Yankees] next year, I couldn’t find a break in the conversation to bring it up.”
Jackson, a Yankees official, also met with Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia after the 2008 season in an apparent recruiting visit.
“He went on and on about his days with the Yankees,” Sabathia said of his lunch with Jackson. “He did stop to say ‘slow down, you’re not even chewing’ at one point, but he’s Mr. October, so I just let him keep talking.”
Jayson Werth still refusing to talk about junk in beard
Jayson Werth has made it clear to the media this spring that he does not want to discuss his new-look beard, even if he’s got a bunch of shit in it.
“At least five times a day, we have to tell him to ‘go like this’,” Jimmy Rollins said, motioning his hand to wipe around his mouth. “But he just tries to change the subject every time. He’s very particular about talking about his beard, even if it’s covered in day-old Fruit Loops.”
As of press time, Werth reportedly ate two hot dogs which may have added to the shit in his beard.
Several Phillies caught panhandling for offensive help
A small group of downtrodden Phillies gathered outside of Citizens Bank Park on Thursday to beg for hitting tips to help them through recent hard times at the plate.
Raul Ibanez, who batted .193 with four RBIs in 24 August games, seemed to be the most aggressive among the group of panhandlers.
“Please, I’ll take anything you got right now,” Ibanez said nervously scratching his neck. “You’re telling me you can’t spare a bunt single? Not even a Texas-Leaguer? I know you at least have a couple nubbers you can give me. I’m desperate, baby.”
While Jayson Werth just ended a very productive August in which he hit .284 with seven homers, most of that production has come with the Phils already in the lead or with no one on base.
The All-Star rightfielder joined Ibanez for much of the day outside the ballpark trying to wash car windows for spare clutch hits.
“Most people just told me to [expletive] off,” Werth said. “I just hope they never have to deal with not knowing where or when your next clutch RBI is going to come. It’s a hopeless feeling.”