Mets place Francisco Rodriguez on 15-day LOL list

New York Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez is in police custody after physically assaulting his father-in-law and will be placed on the 15-day LOL list as a result.

According to police, the assault occurred after the Mets’ 6-2 loss to the Rockies Wednesday night. Team officials later confirmed that due to the incident, the Mets had no other choice but to LOL Rodriguez.

Rodriguez joins teammates Carlos Beltran, Jeff Francoeur, Johan Santana, David Wright, R.A. Dickey, Jose Reyes, Luis Castillo, Oliver Perez, John Maine, Jason Bay and the rest of the Mets organization on the LOL list and will likely remain there well beyond the minimum 15 days.

Jayson Werth successfully navigates bases without incident

Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth reached a new career milestone during Friday’s game against the Mets when he made his way around the bases for the first time ever without getting picked off, falling down, going to sleep, forgetting to breathe or wandering off to go find a bar.

“When he’s on base, Jayson seems interested in doing everything except staying on base,” said manager Charlie Manuel. “So to make it home the way he did is pretty much the equivalent of you or I curing cancer. It’s really nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t kill himself out there.”

With this milestone out of the way, Werth will now look toward driving in a run with two outs and runners in scoring position for the first time since high school gym class.

Phillies honor fans by hitting like them for a week

The Phillies’ week-long celebration of their fans  continued Thursday as the team once again hit as if they were one of their millions of fans with no professional training on how to hit a baseball.

“I dedicated my four at bats yesterday to the guys at Lee’s Hoagie House in Southampton,” said Jayson Werth, who struck out in three of his four plate appearances, which is probably what guys who run a sandwich joint could have done. “The double play I hit into was dedicated to Steve, who I know played a little ball in high school which is why I actually made some contact.”

Since the start of the celebration last Saturday, the Phillies have lost five straight and were shutout in three straight games by the division-rival Mets. There is no official word on when the team plans to end the tribute, but it will likely continue on Friday against the Marlins as the Phillies will face another mediocre pitcher in Chris Volstad.

Scientists develop alternative fuel using tears from Mets fans

A group of local scientists have developed a new technology that would finally be able to convert one of the world’s most abundant natural resources into an alternative fuel.

The new technology will take the delicious tears from New York Mets fans and turn them into a clean burning fuel source that can “power a car for a few months out of the year before causing the car to collapse on itself,” according to researchers.

“We’re elated to be able to finally be able to put all of these tears to good use,” said Denise Wixted, who worked on the project for the past five years. “Mets fans can now say they’re able to contribute something to society by crying our world into a healthier place to live.”

Following Johan Santana’s epic meltdown on national television, scientists were able to power the Mets’ team plane on its flight out of Philadelphia with the tears of a single Mets fan.

Mets’ Santana to test arm against lifeless batters

After facing live batters for the first time since having season-ending elbow surgery last year, Johan Santana is scheduled to throw lifeless batters over the weekend.

Santana threw 40 pitches, including his signature slider, to living, breathing humans in front of much of the Mets’ brass Thursday afternoon.  Of his progress, Santana seemed pleased. “It felt great to throw to animate objects.  I’m not sure where we found actual hitters, but credit the organization for the creative recovery idea.”

The lifeless hitters, however, should present an entirely different challenge for Santana.  “I had assumed when they said ‘lifeless batters’ that it was a jab at David Wright for his lack of power, but apparently, they have me throwing to actual dead guys.”

Mets’ General Manager Omar Minaya has insisted this is the crucial step to get Santana game ready.  “We are pleased with Johan today, but he still has a long way to go.  We want to take it slowly, so he likely won’t face any good lifeless batters over the weekend.  Is Gregg Jefferies alive?”

“Depending on the reactions of the deceased, Johan could be ready for opening day.”

Richard Simmons looks to help injury-plagued Mets fill holes

The New York Mets officially announced that fitness guru Richard Simmons will be joining the team this spring to try and fill several gaping holes on the Mets roster and encourage healthier living.

“I’m so excited to be here! Like, really excited!” Simmons exclaimed during a Thursday press conference. “I walked into Citi Field today and immediately felt like I was born to be here. Like this is my home.”

Simmons gives the Mets a healthy, able-bodied mammal that the team has sorely needed for the past year or so. The 61-year-old Simmons also hopes his enthusiasm for fitness rubs off on his new teammates.

“I’ve helped so many wonderful people achieve their dreams over the years,” Simmons added. “Now it’s time to transform these men into the gorgeous swans they were meant to be.”

Mets sign Jason Bay, still completely irrelevant

It looks like Jason Bay really loves that paper after signing with a disaster of an organization that plays in a stadium the size of Central Park. His power numbers will fall and his chances of a World Series will tank even further.

Bay and his 4-year $66 million contract will join David Wright and his 10 home runs from last season as the only two batters that remotely resemble a threat in the Mess’ order. Most people can’t even name one Cincinnati Reds player and yet they managed to score more runs than the Mets and their overpriced talent last season.

Wright led the Mess with 72 RBI last season, which would rank below Jimmy Rollins (77), who kept the bat on his shoulder and occasionally used it to pop the ball into the air for five out of six months last season. On the up-side, Wright did finish with more RBI than Shane Victorino (62), Carlos Ruiz (43) and Eric Bruntlett (7).

Though the pickup of Kelvim Escobar was a step in the right direction — a move I wish the Phils could have made — no one should even consider the Mets a contender for the #4 spot in the NL East until they get someone else to throw besides John Maine and a slew of head cases.

Signing Bay is a cosmetic move that might make the Mets look like they’re trying to be presentable in public, but most of us know what lies beneath. And it’s hot and fugly under there.