New York Mets looking for roommate to help out with bills

New York Mets announced Thursday that the team is currently looking for a roommate to try and offset some operating expenses and asked that you contact them if you know anybody.

“We’ll give you complete run of the place if you can just pitch in to cover some of Angel Pagan’s salary or at least the sewer bill,” said team owner Fred Wilpon, who now lives in his office but promises that you wouldn’t even know he was there. “Really though, whatever you can contribute is cool.”

In an effort to draw more interest, the Mets have offered to let you manage a few games if you commit to a two-year lease and try to keep it down after 11pm.

Mets to pass collection plate around between innings

The New York Mets will be rewarding fans in attendance during the 2011 season with ‘Offering Day’ where a collection plate will be passed around between innings as a part of an 81-game promotion.

“Starting on our first home game, the first 42,000 fans in attendance will receive nine small envelopes to place their money in for the collection,” Marketing Manager Deanna Berdine said. “And fans shouldn’t worry about missing the promotion if they happen to be taking a bathroom break. Someone will meet you in your stall to collect your offering.”

To further accommodate fans during the promotion, the Mets will employ up to 100 specially-trained ‘Promotion Enforcers’ to ensure that every fan in attendance is taking part in the promotion.

Mets owner blows rest of money in Brooklyn dice game

In a failed attempt to try and recoup money lost in the multibillion-dollar Ponzi scheme run by Bernie Madoff, New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon was left ass out on Wednesday after blowing the rest of the team’s money in a Brooklyn-area dice game.

Wilpon issued a statement on Thursday with an apology to Mets fans and the organization for “being so foolish to think [he] could keep riding sevens like that.”

This is just the latest in a long string of awful financial decisions by members of the Mets organization, highlighted by a $36 million investment in the frighteningly awful Oliver Perez, who is 3-9 with a 6.81 ERA over the first two years of a three-year extension.

The dice game loss means Wilpon will be forced to turn over legal control of the Mets franchise to dice legend Ashy Larry.