Astros throw away perfectly good Roy Oswalt

The Phillies have acquired All-Star pitcher Roy Oswalt from a Houston curb after he was discarded by the Astros on Wednesday.

Though the Astros were reportedly interested in trading the 10-year veteran, it appears the team opted to go in another direction by abandoning Oswalt on the curb.

“We know Oswalt has had some back issues lately, but he still works just fine,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. “I think he just needs a good wash and a couple shots of cortisone and he’ll work just like a new Oswalt.”

Sources close to the Phillies are saying the team felt bad for taking Oswalt and sent a perfectly good J.A. Happ to the Astros as a gesture of thanks.

Report: Nachos tasting better after Phillies fire old nacho guy

Ballpark sources indicate that nachos have been tasting a lot better ever since the Phillies fired the old nacho guy last Friday, even though the team continues to use the same nachos from before.

The Phillies fired Tom Formanek, nacho guy since 2005, in an effort to shake up the underperforming nacho game at Citizens Bank Park and, according to sources, the nachos have responded well to the change.

“The nachos have been absolutely delicious the past few games,” said Joe Hackett, who sampled several nachos during the Phillies’ sweep of the Rockies. “I know they’re the same nachos as before, but for some reason, they just taste so much better now that they fired that old nacho guy.”

Ian Sullivan will take over as the new nacho guy for Formanek, who is reportedly unhappy with the move.

“I feel like I’m the scapegoat here,” said Formanek. “And of course as soon as they hire this new guy, the nachos start tasting better all of the sudden. He takes them out of the bag and puts them on a plate the same way I did. But somehow they taste better?”

The Phillies are happy with the production of their nachos so far in the second half but, according to sources, GM Ruben Amaro may be next out the door if the nachos can’t maintain their addictive flavor.

Amaro considers shaking the hell out of entire Phillies roster

General manager Ruben Amaro Jr. announced Wednesday that he has thought about shaking the living shit out of his entire 25-man roster, which could happen as soon as this weekend.

Since May 22, the Phillies are just 7-15 and have struggled at the plate, hitting just .216 as a team over that span.

“We’re not making any major moves here,” Amaro said after Wednesday’s 6-3 win over the Yankees. “I’m just going to gently put my hands around each of my players’ necks and proceed to shake the life out of them until they wake up and realize they’re elite professional athletes again. That’s all.”

Amaro will monitor the progress of his team after the shaking and said that, if necessary, he will “trade the shit out of every last player on the team, with the exception of Chase Utley, for he can do no wrong.”

Manuel holds another meeting to figure out where the remote is

Just days after he held a closed-door meeting with his team to discuss their current hitting woes, Phillies manager Charlie Manuel held a second meeting on Friday to figure out what kind of person just walks off with the remote.

According to members of the team, Manuel repeatedly talked about “how ridiculous this is” for about 30 minutes and then reminded everyone for an additional 20 minutes that “it’s one of those TVs without any buttons, so it’s completely useless without the remote.”

Manuel met with GM Ruben Amaro on Saturday to discuss possible roster changes as a result of the lost remote. Though no moves have been made yet, Manuel hinted that Greg Dobbs’ job may be in jeopardy, but added that “it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s one of baseball’s worst players right now. I just think he’s the one that lost the damn remote.”

Amaro, Phillies flatly deny existence of Albert Pujols

In response to a report of the Phillies having internal discussions about trading Ryan Howard to the St. Louis Cardinals for Albert Pujols, Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro vehemently denied any knowledge of “who or what an Albert Pujols is.”

“Whoever wrote the erroneous report could have at least used a real player if they wanted to look credible,” said Amaro, who was photographed in 2007 with Pujols, so we all know he’s lying his ass off. “I think if this phantom ballplayer existed, we would have at least had a conversation or two about a possible trade. I mean, if we didn’t discuss every possible deal we could make to improve our team, I wouldn’t be doing my job. But we keep our discussions to real players, not figments of baseball writers’ imaginations.”

Although Amaro continues to deny the existence of the three-time MVP Award winner, he said such a player would be a great addition to the Phillies, if he was real.

“Why would I not want a guy that was hypothetically a 13th-round draft pick in 1999 that almost won the NL MVP two years later without the help of performance enhancing drugs?” Amaro added. “But that scenario isn’t possible. It’s all made up. There is no such thing as an Albert Pujols.”

Braves weren’t bad role models, they just couldn’t seal the deal

Sam Donnellon of the Daily News wrote an article a couple days ago about how the Phillies shouldn’t pattern themselves after the Braves that won 14-straight division titles because Atlanta only won one World Series during that period — essentially teasing their fans every year to the point where they stopped coming to games.

As someone that followed the Braves for almost ten years, let me say that there was nothing wrong with the Braves’ formula for success. The team just went limp in the postseason; they choked.

Why wouldn’t you want to model yourself after a franchise that averaged 98 regular season wins (or 61% of their games) for 15 straight years? I’d love for Ruben Amaro to follow the same path of former Braves general manager John Schuerholz instead of wandering on his own, worrying about replenishing his farm system.

Schuerholz had a remarkable core of homegrown players to build around — just like the Phillies — with Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, Ron Gant, David Justice, Chipper Jones, Javy Lopez, Ryan Klesko, Andruw Jones, Kevin Millwood and Rafael Furcal all from the Braves’ minor league system. The former GM also made sure to supplement his homegrown crop by signing stars like Greg Maddux and Andres Galarraga while trading for others like Fred McGriff and Gary Sheffield.

Above everything that Schuerholz did during his 15-year run with the Braves, it’s what he didn’t do that really sticks out to me right now: He never traded top talent to ‘replenish’ his farm system.

The Braves had so much minor league talent that they would never have to think about re-stocking via trade, but that’s a testament to their scouting staff and drafting great players. It’s not because they were in any different situation than the Phillies were in, or are currently in.

The Braves may have stunk for a while, which gave them a couple high draft picks, but of all the studs they’ve had, only Steve Avery (4th overall in the 1988 draft) and Chipper Jones (1st overall in the 1990 draft) were first round draft picks. The Phillies actually had more first-round success than the Braves ever did with Pat  Burrell (1998), Brett Myers (1999), Chase Utley (2000) and Cole Hamels (2002). You could even count J.D. Drew (1997) in there if you’re feelin’ froggy enough.

Unlike Amaro, when Schuerholz went out and traded prospects to get a guy like Fred McGriff, he didn’t trade Tom Glavine to re-stock the farm. In fact, when Schuerholz dealt one of his big-named players, he typically received a solid major league player in return. David Justice and Marquis Grissom were traded for Kenny Lofton and Alan Embree. Bret Boone and Ryan Klesko were traded for Reggie Sanders and Quilvio Veras. Brian Jordan was traded for Gary Sheffield. The Braves traded to replenish their major league club.

To further accentuate the difference between Amaro and Schuerholz, here’s my account of what the Phillies would look like under the Schuerholz formula:

• The Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee deals would have never gone down. Only twice did Schuerholz trade top prospects: Adam Wainwright was traded to the Cardinals in the deal for J.D. Drew and Den Meyer was sent to the Athletics for Tim Hudson. Both trades were for players entering their prime and only one highly-ranked prospect was involved in each deal. If the Blue Jays would have accepted another player other than Michael Taylor or Domonic Brown, I think Schuerholz would have landed Halladay and kept Lee.
• Jayson Werth would have been dealt to fill an immediate need elsewhere on the club while Michael Taylor takes over in rightfield. It’s Schuerholz’s style to get rid of the costly talent at a position where you have emerging stars ready to play. He did something similar by letting Terry Pendleton go in 1995 when Chipper Jones was ready to take his place and by trading David Justice in 1997 when Andruw Jones was ready take over. In the Justice trade, the Braves got a top leadoff hitter in Kenny Lofton and a lefty reliever in Alan Embree in return. Schuerholz would have probably gone after a thirdbaseman or possibly a mid-rotation starter in exchange for Werth.
• Lee would either be re-signed after 2010 or they would sign or trade for a top pitcher. If Lee and the Phils are unable to come to terms, the team would have enough cash and prospects — including Kyle Drabek — to make a move if necessary. When the Braves lost Kevin Millwood and Tom Glavine after the 2002 season, they traded for Russ Ortiz and Mike Hampton. When Maddux left after the 2003 season, they signed John Thomson and traded for Tim Hudson a year later.
• Joe Blanton wouldn’t have been given an extension. Schuerholz only let Cy Young Award winners stick around for more than three years. He would have either traded him for major league help — a la Denny Neagle to the Reds in 1998 for All-Star secondbaseman Bret Boone — or let him walk and use the money to keep Lee around and possibly go after Halladay as a free agent.

The Braves were a classic example of a team that did everything they possibly could to remain as competitive as they could every year. The fact that they only won one championship is a combination of flat out choking and running into some bad luck. You can’t say that just because they weren’t as successful as we all thought they should have been that you shouldn’t model your franchise after them.

They were an elite team for 15 straight years and it wasn’t because they hovered over their flock of prospects like an overprotective mother. It’s because they drafted, signed and developed great young talent and weren’t afraid to let them go when it meant they could improve their major league club.

The Phillies could very well be on the verge of a run that could surpass the Braves’, but if they do, it will be because Amaro successfully re-invented the wheel and not because he followed the very successful plan that Schuerholz laid out nearly 20 years ago.

Phils still waiting to jump into the free agent reliever pool

Fernando Rodney, Matt Capps, Kelvim Escobar, Mike Gonzalez and J.J. Putz have all bit the dust and now the Phils are stuck with names like Danys Baez, Mike MacDougal, Kiko Calero, Miguel Batista, John Smoltz and Will Ohman to fill the remaining two or so spots of our ailing bullpen.

Of the remaining arms out there, the only guy I worth getting excited about is Kiko Calero, who is coming off of a career year in 2009 (1.95 ERA with 69 Ks in 60 IP).

You have to wonder why so much effort was put into the slight upgrade of Roy Halladay over Cliff Lee while Amaro continues to either pass on or let valuable relievers slip through his hands — especially when the bullpen was a major weakness last season.

This continues to be a pretty weird offseason for the Phils and I’m just waiting for that move that I can stand behind 100%. Brian Schneider was about as close as I’ve gotten at about 94.19%.

The truth of the Cliff Lee situation shall set us all free

We give a then 45-year-old Jamie Moyer $13 million after a sub-par 2008 postseason and now we send Cliff Lee packing after plowing through the eventual World Series champs like he was Tiger Woo…ok, nevermind. But something ain’t right here, Rube.

I heard on 97.5 The Fanatic this morning that the Phillies presented Lee with a contract extension offer about a week before the deal went down and within hours of presenting a counter-offer to the club, Lee was headed to Seattle for prospects.

If the above is true, then the Phillies essentially offered Lee a contract extension knowing he wouldn’t accept it right away and were talking to Toronto about trading for Roy Halladay in the meantime.

To me, that’s pretty damn shady of Ruben and the Phillies to dismiss Lee just because you want to bring in Roy Halladay. As great as Halladay has been and will probably be for the Phillies, I think Lee has earned the right to be treated as a king in this town for what he did this year instead of being heandled like Adam Eaton’s soiled draws.

Personally, I wouldn’t have made the deal if it strictly came down to keeping Cliff Lee or taking Roy Halladay. Halladay’s got the deeper resume, but you can’t do any better than 4-0 and shutting down the Yankees twice in the postseason, so I’m not tinkering with a great thing.

The only reason I initially liked the Halladay deal was because of the rumors about Lee wanting too much money and wanted to walk after the season.

Of course, most of this will fade when Halladay heads out there and does what Halladay has done for some time now, which is dominate anyone holding a bat 60 feet away from him, but we still have to wallow in this mess for the next couple months. What would make it worse is if Halladay or Cole Hamels goes down at some point — or worse — if Cliff Lee pitches out of his mind in Seattle and we’re left wondering what could have been in Philly for 2010.

I just want the truth of what really went down because it’s sounding like the Phillies screwed Lee over and if that’s the case, it’s going to be hard to stand behind a team that rolls that way when he gave you the most thrilling pitching performances this franchise has ever seen.

Phillies dealt Cliff Lee to replenish candy bowl in lobby

On a day when the Phillies officially introduced Roy Halladay during a press conference, Wednesday’s talk seemed to center around the trade that sent Cliff Lee to the Mariners for assorted pieces of candy.

Many Phillies fans felt like the team should have tried to keep both Lee and Halladay in the rotation, but Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro characterized the Lee deal as a necessity for the organization’s lobby stash.

“We could have kept both of them,” Amaro said of Halladay and Lee during Wednesday’s press conference. “But it was a baseball decision for me and our organization. We could not leave our candy bowl bare.”

With the team’s recent offseason activity, people have been in and out of the lobby at Citizen’s Bank Park taking all of the Hershey’s Nuggets and Snicker’s Bars, with nothing left but a couple Circus Peanuts and Mary Jane’s. Amaro maintains that the Lee deal was his best shot at getting back some solid stuff for future visitors.

“If we held onto Lee for this season and lost him to free agency, there’s no telling what kind of stuff we’d get for him in the draft,” Amaro said of the compensation candy the Phillies would receive for losing Lee after the season. “If we let him go as a free agent and end up with some butterscotch in return, then we’re screwed. It’s my job to maintain a delicious stash of treats in our lobby, even if that means giving up the ace that would make our team the most unstoppable force this world has ever known. But a World Series title with Charleston Chews in your bowl does no one any good.”

Phils dealt Lee to replenish prospects [Philly.com]

Would Halladay and Lee be in the same rotation if Jamie Moyer retired?

I think everyone with at least one finger on the Phillies’ bandwagon would say ‘yes’, Cliff Lee would probably be our number two starter right now if Jamie Moyer retired either during or after last season.

I’m not necessarily saying that Moyer is the sole reason why the Phils will not march into the World Series with a stacked lineup and rotation this season, but he’s certainly not helping the situation. The Phillies owe Moyer around $8 million for 2010 to compete to be our fifth and final starter in the rotation behind Halladay, Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton and J.A. Happ. And by ‘compete’, I mean that he may not even get the job and we could have an $8 million long reliever on our hands.

Moyer balked when he was pulled from the rotation late last season, even when it was the best move for the team. Now it’s looking like Moyer is interfering with the team’s improvement again, but this time it’s without even throwing a pitch.

I’ve got nothing against Moyer and he was as much a part of 2008 as anyone else, but when I think about how we could have had Cliff Lee — for at least 2010 — over a 47-year-old pitcher who was bumped out of the rotation last season and is coming off of several surgeries, I think that’s a no-brainer.

I don’t think any of us would have passed on signing a 2-year $13 million deal like Moyer did, so I blame the Phillies for giving a 45-year-old that much money for two years, but at the very least step up and say you’d defer some of your money to next year so we can afford to keep Lee on the team.

Of course, the deferring money thing applies to everyone else on the team as well, like so many others have said. Are we to understand that there was no possible way to keep Lee here at all? I call shenanigans on you, Ruben…and whoever else was involved in this whole process.

As always, I’ll reserve my more viscous judgment until later on, but if Moyer tanks again or we make it to the World Series and Halladay’s the only pitcher pulling his weight, we’ll look back on this trade and know that this is where we went wrong.

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