In response to a report of the Phillies having internal discussions about trading Ryan Howard to the St. Louis Cardinals for Albert Pujols, Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro vehemently denied any knowledge of “who or what an Albert Pujols is.”

“Whoever wrote the erroneous report could have at least used a real player if they wanted to look credible,” said Amaro, who was photographed in 2007 with Pujols, so we all know he’s lying his ass off. “I think if this phantom ballplayer existed, we would have at least had a conversation or two about a possible trade. I mean, if we didn’t discuss every possible deal we could make to improve our team, I wouldn’t be doing my job. But we keep our discussions to real players, not figments of baseball writers’ imaginations.”

Although Amaro continues to deny the existence of the three-time MVP Award winner, he said such a player would be a great addition to the Phillies, if he was real.

“Why would I not want a guy that was hypothetically a 13th-round draft pick in 1999 that almost won the NL MVP two years later without the help of performance enhancing drugs?” Amaro added. “But that scenario isn’t possible. It’s all made up. There is no such thing as an Albert Pujols.”