Eagles hire bodyguards to protect coaches from LeSean McCoy
Eagles president Joe Banner announced today that the team would be employing 6- to-10 bodyguards to protect coaches from running back LeSean McCoy. “We have to protect our assets as an organization,” Banner said, “even if that means beating the hell out of one of our own players.”
The bold personnel move comes in the wake of the second attack on an Eagles coach by McCoy this season, when the running back attempted to knock down Offensive Line Coach Howard Mudd after being taken out of the game against Dallas. This latest attack comes just two weeks after McCoy viciously gut-punched Andy Reid in the stomach during a game against the Washington Redskins.
“I’m a pretty old man, and I just had hip surgery this past week,” Mudd commented later, “For him to hurl his body at me like that… [it] could’ve killed me. I was terrified.”
Banner explained to those at the press conference that McCoy would not be allowed within 10 feet of any members of the Eagles coaching staff, and that a violation of this policy or any perceived threat of violence would be met with “necessary force”.
“We looked into several options,” Banner said, “among others we were considering were chaining LeSean to a bench while the offense was on the sidelines, as well as having a sniper armed with tranquilizer darts trained on him at all times, waiting for him to get too close to a coach. We may look into those options at a later date.”
Michael Vick apologizes for looking like Tom Brady out there
After racking up over 400 total yards against the Redskins the week before, Michael Vick was held to 292 yards against the Giants on Sunday, but said that facing a much tougher defense was no excuse to “go out there and play like Tom Brady.”
“The fans deserve way better than that,” Vick said of his pedestrian 34 rushing yards, which anybody in the league could accomplish. “As high as my expectations are, I know I’ll have days where I’ll slip up and look like Peyton Manning out there, but it just sucks. I know I’m better than that.”
Vick, who has yet to record an interception since 2006, said he would immediately retire from football and seriously re-evaluate what he was doing with his life if he ever looked like Donovan McNabb out there.
Michael Vick bored with football, will try something else now
Bored out of his mind with shredding defenses and shattering records every week, Michael Vick announced Tuesday that he will step away from the game to find something more challenging to do with his time.
“You ever feel so bored that you just wanna throw stuff?” said Vick, who threw four touchdown passes against the Redskins out of pure boredom. “I’ve just reached a point in my career where I’m tired of hearing ‘First down!’ all the time.”
While Vick didn’t completely rule out a return to the NFL at some point, he did say the league would have to make serious changes to the way the game is played and suggested they “throw some bears out there…somethin’.”
“(Yawn),” Vick added.
Donovan McNabb forces man to prefer Rex Grossman
Over 42,000 fans watched in awe as Donovan McNabb left a man with no other choice but to prefer the services of Rex Grossman on Sunday.
Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan said that his preference for Grossman came after watching McNabb play football.
“I’ve seen enough of this. Somebody get me Rex Grossman,” Shanahan said during the fourth quarter against the Lions. “He’s the best shot we have at winning this game.”
Shanahan’s endorsement of Grossman marked the first time the head coach wanted someone other than McNabb as his quarterback since the previous Sunday.
Donovan McNabb sticks it to former team with 8 completions
Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb was hoisted up by his teammates and carried off the field in celebration on Sunday after returning to Philadelphia and torching the Eagles with eight completions.
McNabb, who was given a standing ovation by Eagles fans prior to the game, once again showcased his ability to come through in big games by throwing for 125 yards in the first 60 minutes of the game.
“The Eagles made a mistake by trading me last year,” said McNabb after the game. “I think my eight completions and 125 yards was a nice reminder of what they gave up.”
ESPN in chaos after video of fans booing McNabb goes missing
In what police are already calling “one of the darkest days in Connecticut history,” ESPN’s Bristol headquarters are currently ablaze after stock footage of Philadelphia fans booing Donovan McNabb went missing Thursday morning.
“Is this really happening?!” shouted a tearful Chris McKendry as she watched her offices slowly burn to the ground. “Do we really have no footage of Philly fans booing McNabb?!”
Emergency crews were brought in to try and rescue as many archived videos as possible to try and find footage of Philly fans’ mistreatment of McNabb in preparation for Sunday’s game between the Eagles and Redskins, but with no success.
“In all my years as a firefighter, I’ve never seen such devastation,” said Greg Krygiel of the Bristol Fire Department. “The screams of ‘What the hell are we gonna talk about now!’ and ‘Snowball…Santa!’ were chilling.”
Krygiel said he later found NFL analyst Mark Schlereth badly burned and with a video tape in his hand mumbling “Irvin…taser…puke…Philly…hate you guys…” before dying in the firefighter’s arms.
Local officials have officially designated ESPN headquarters as a disaster area and have called off the search for video of fans booing McNabb to concentrate on locating the company’s journalistic integrity.
Pantless Clinton Portis ‘weirded out’ by pantless reporter
A pantless Redskins running back Clinton Portis got into a heated argument on Thursday with a pantless reporter over the journalists’ lack of professionalism.
“Who wants to look at another man’s junk while you’re trying to do an interview,” a nude Portis told reporters sitting in front of his locker. “Do you think you’re trying to impress me or something? Put some damn draws on.”
Portis spoke out about female reporters in NFL locker rooms on Tuesday and amid the recent spat with the pantless reporter, Portis is ready to pressure the NFL to crack down on the dress code for reporters during interviews.
“The locker room is a place of business,” said a still pantless Clinton Portis to reporters while getting into his car. “If you’re insecure and need to show off your package to everyone, then that’s fine. But just don’t do it in an NFL locker room.”
Donovan McNabb will miss next game with sprained cankle
Donovan McNabb will miss Friday night’s game against the Jets with what team doctors are officially calling a mild cankle sprain.
“Donovan uses his cankles more than most quarterbacks, so this was bound to happen,” said head coach Mike Shanahan. “He’s walking on the treadmill and should be up and wobbling on two healthy cankles in no time.”
The injury is just the latest in a series of setbacks for McNabb, who sat out the last half of an August 13 game against the Bills with sore breasts.
McNabb responds to Jackson’s comments about Iron Man 2
Though DeSean Jackson was merely commenting on the debut of Iron Man 2 and wasn’t trying to stir anything up, Donovan McNabb responded to Jackson’s comments anyway.
After seeing the film, starring Robert Downey Jr., Jackson said he was “very happy with the movie.”
“I don’t think it lost anything from the first one,” Jackson added. “Even with the loss of Terrence Howard.”
On Tuesday, McNabb was asked for a response to Jackson’s comment, just to try and start controversy where there was none to begin with.
“I could feed into this war he’s obviously trying to start by talking about Iron Man 2,” McNabb said. “But someone has to be the bigger man, so whatever he wants to say is cool with me, but it’s not making him look like the bigger man. I’m the biggest man there is, and ever will be.”
Jackson also commented on what was poppin’ in Atlanta over the weekend, but McNabb could not yet be reached for a response.
Philadelphia baseball club reportedly wins game or something
Editor’s Note: We here at Philly Gameday like to present relevant news that is important to the Philadelphia sports fan. Unfortunately, we are being forced to publish a story about a local baseball team even though it seems everyone just wants to talk about the Donovan McNabb trade. We apologize ahead of time for the following story and hope you will return to the site in the future.
A baseball club with ties to the area began its season on Monday and reportedly played well enough to defeat another team, though it’s still unclear how this has anything to do with Donovan McNabb and his trade to the Redskins.
“Apparently these ballplayers did some amazing things on the field yesterday,” said one local reporter. “Unfortunately, they aren’t Donovan McNabb, so there’s no way they’re getting more than five seconds of attention today.”
According to this guy’s report, the main pitcher man did something awesome and a new player man ran home and people were cheering or something. The final score was 11-1, but McNabb got traded to the Redskins and that’s all you apparently need to know.