Michael Vick showing signs of former self, experts warn

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick showed signs that he may be returning to his old self during his preseason debut, and according to NFL experts, the playmaker could make it back to a Pro Bowl soon, then back to prison shortly thereafter.

“Vick is showing flashes of the talent and swagger that made him one of the premier quarterbacks in the league and a menace to himself and innocent dogs,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter warned on Monday. “He’s getting away from being the quiet, mostly useless quarterback we were accustomed to seeing last year, and that’s not good news for Eagles fans.”

Eagles president Jeff Lurie said that the team will keep a close eye on Vick and will consider releasing or trading the quarterback if his performance rises any further.

Jeff Lurie, Michael Vick star in ‘Lean On Me’

‘Best Job in U.S.’ awarded to whatever it is Michael Vick does

The Wall Street Journal released its annual list of ‘Best and Worst Jobs’ and whatever it is that Michael Vick does with the Eagles beat out Mathematician for the top spot.

“As a convicted felon with eroded skills, we’re unsure how he got this job or, for that matter, what this job is,” said WSJ spokesman Stephen Duffy. “But whatever it is, it’s easily the greatest job in America. Ever.”

With a starting salary of $1.6 million, Vick’s job with the Eagles still remains a complete and total mystery, but according to Vick, it may involve standing, with occasional sitting, but very little running.

Vick stood and sat enough in 2009 to earn a $3.6 million dollar raise this year, giving him a $5.2 million salary and the title of ‘Best Job in America’.

“It’s a great job,” Vick said of whatever he’s supposed to be doing this year with the Eagles, “and I do it well.”

Vick also topped Wall Street Journal’s list of ‘People Dumber Than Toast’ for repeatedly trying to get fired from his cushy, do-nothing job.

Eagles to police: Vick ‘of no interest’ to us either

While investigating a shooting that took place outside a Virginia Beach nightclub that had been hosting a birthday party for Michael Vick, police informed the Eagles on Wednesday that the former Pro Bowler “doesn’t interest us anymore as a football player.”

The Eagles responded by saying that “yeah, I kind of know what you mean” and “he doesn’t interest us either, but what other choice do we have right now,” according to one team spokesman.

The Eagles informed police that while they may have had some interest in Vick several months ago when they were trying to sell merchandise and stay relevant in the news, their current interest in the former Pro Bowler has officially bottomed out. The team also repeatedly asked police if they were sure Vick wasn’t involved in the shooting because, according to team owner Jeffrey Lurie, “that would really help us out in trying to get rid of him.”

Reid to NFL: Vick perfect for wildcat, stuff like that

In an effort to spur interest in a potential trade for Michael Vick, Andy Reid announced to the rest of the NFL that Vick is “perfect for the wildcat, and other stuff like that.” Reid is certain several teams will be intrigued with Vick’s ability to run the wildcat offense and all of the other stuff he can probably do too.

“Michael Vick is the perfect quarterback for, say, the wildcat,” said Reid. “Of course he can do other things. I was just using that as an example. I’m sure he has other relevant quarterbacking skills.”

According to Reid, Vick has a vast skill set, and can still line-up at quarterback for a number of NFL teams.

“If you don’t believe me, check out our film from last year. He lined up at quarterback every time we sent him into the game. Not wide receiver, not left guard, but quarterback. You don’t find talent like that every day. Plus, you just can’t ignore his ability to run the wildcat and do all that other stuff, too.”

Reid stands by decision to sit Kolb for remainder of career

Eagles head coach Andy Reid will not second guess his decision to bench Kevin Kolb for the rest of his life.

After the Eagles capped off a close, 30-27 victory over the Broncos on Sunday, Reid had to answer for his decision to never allow his backup quarterback to see the light of day again.

“We’re one of the hottest teams in the league right now, and Kevin’s bench play has been huge for us,” Reid said. “We need him well rested so he can give us some quality rest from the bench in the playoffs.”

Kolb took the news surprisingly well and even agreed with Reid’s decision to play McNabb and occasionally mix in Michael Vick for some ridiculous reason.

“Coach Reid said I’m a valuable asset to the team and he needs me on the bench so I won’t get any ouchies or boo-boos,” Kolb said on Monday. “I totally respect his decision and I just want to make sure I’m ready if the time ever comes for me to touch or possibly throw a football again.”

Vick recognized for courageous journey back to humanity

Michael Vick won the Ed Block Courage Award, voted on by his teammates, after the former barbarian defied all odds by courageously returning to life as a regular human being.

“It means a great deal to me,” Vick said Wednesday. “I was voted unanimously by my teammates. They know what I’ve been through. I’ve been through a lot. I had to learn how to hold a fork, tie my shoes, pay my bills, brush my teeth, not kill dogs, speak English and most importantly, not kill dogs. I’ve overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear.”

Though other teams voted in players that give back to the community (and the world) without a team mandate and fought through debilitating injuries to stay on the field, they were all no match for Vick’s drive and determination to become a regular human being like the rest of us that don’t drown dogs for fun.

“Michael has really turned his life around, and despite what people are saying, it has absolutely nothing to do with the $1.6 million he’s being paid to play football and turn his life around,” said Eagles head coach Andy Reid. “In the short time he’s been with us, he’s gone from dragging his knuckles on the ground to scoring three touchdowns on the ground, which is remarkable. The sheer courage it took for him to finally walk upright and the sportsmanship he has displayed as a backup quarterback has been a real inspiration to us all, and hopefully the rest of Philadelphia as well.”

To cheer or not to cheer for Dawkins? That is the (dumb) question

In terms of fan decorum, It’s a no-brainer and the only reason I’m even writing this is because the question is being posed around town: Of course you cheer for Brian Dawkins’ return to the Linc and any Eagles fan that bought a ticket to the game and doesn’t de-ass themselves from their seat should be tossed…from life…immediately.

There’s no possible way to justify letting Dawk go while you take a chance and sign Michael Vick. It’s because of this that cheering on number 20 is just as much a snub to the Eagles front office as it is a “thank you” to the man that represents the Eagles franchise as much as anyone in history.

I’m sure that if the game is close in the fourth quarter and Dawk levels Donovan McNabb to force a fourth down, you may not hear too many cheers outta folks, but this is sports. We watch this stuff for entertainment and for a lot of people, following a favorite player trumps following the team as a whole. I could certainly understand people’s loyalty to the man, even if he’s now playing for the other side.

Hopefully the Birds will stuff the Broncos early so everyone can cheer on Dawk guilt-free for the entire game, though.

Adulterous, billionaire athletes with hot wives don’t need our sympathy

I’m not one of those sadistic a-holes that gets their kicks from seeing other people’s destruction, but I’m certainly not someone that’s feeling sorry for Tiger Woods when he brought all of this on himself.

To feel sorry for Tiger is to act like he’s a complete moron and you don’t become the world’s top golfer and make the kind of money he does as a complete moron. Save your sympathy for guys like Sean Taylor or Pat Tillman, but not for a guy that knowingly risked everything he built over more than a decade just to get a nut off.

We all make decisions in life, and Tiger’s was to get grimey with about a dozen loud-mouthed skeezers rather than stay at home with his wife. I think when you’re Tiger Woods, you have to know that if you get caught, it’s not gonna be like Joe Sixpack getting caught cheating, it’s gonna be like Tiger Woods getting caught cheating. He’s owned a television before and knows how the media jumps on celebrity misfortune. He knew what Kobe Bryant, Bill Clinton and about 50 trillion other men went through after dipping their nugget in the wrong sauce. So, why am I supposed to feel sorry for the storm that’s come down on him now?

Too many people wish they were given Tiger’s gift to be able to play golf and make billions at it while maintaining what once looked like a nice family. It’s the same story of a guy that wastes the talent so many other people wish they had. Tiger enjoyed the lifestyle he made for himself. He enjoyed being on top of the heap of far inferior golfers and all of the perks and endorsements that came along with it. If he didn’t, he could have pulled the plug at any point and went home just like Dave Chappelle did.

Call me weird, but I’m big on personal responsibility and this guy ran through the scenario of getting caught and made the decision to just do it anyway. It’s called thinking with the wrong head and I know there are few women that would defend what he did, but I’m one guy that could honestly care less how badgered he gets by any of this as long as he’s not physically injured…by anyone other than his wife.

Aside from the fact that he brought this down on himself, he doesn’t need anyone’s sympathy since this will generally be forgotten in a couple years. Few people look at Kobe as a rapist and no one really cares that Michael Vick is on the Eagles anymore, and that was only a couple months ago.

I’ll follow whatever else happens in this Tiger saga not with anxiety or bloodlust, but with a general curiosity to see how he comes out of it, since everyone knows he will. So, yeah…I don’t think he needs your pity at the moment.

Who wouldn’t pay to see Bonds play again?

Barry Bonds’ agent is saying he’s all but done since he’s been out of baseball for two years without a contract offer, but how crazy would it be to see Bonds play right now?

I’ve been anti-Bonds and anti-roids for a while now, but even I’m starting to realize that Bonds wasn’t just among a select group of guys that made the decision to cheat. If anything, Bonds got a late jump on his peers if the suspicions are right that he started juicing after the 1998 Home Run Chase. At this point in the game, if you’re anti-Bonds, you might as well be anti-MLB for the same reasons.

There’s no real reason to deny him an opportunity to play given that so many of the other suspected and even admitted roid-users have kept their jobs. I’m not gonna get all Stephen A. Smith on you and act like Bonds is owed something or needs a pity party because the man made a decision and is dealing with the consequences, but I’d still love to see him back in the game right now.

There are two reasons why I’m moved to lead the charge to get him back in the game: 1) Steroids or no, he was the greatest baseball player ever. Period. And 2) I just realized he’s 45 and would love to see what he looks like at the plate after a two-year layoff.

I’m positive it wouldn’t take more than $800,000 to sign this guy and it’s almost guaranteed that people would flock to the stadium to see the greatest baseball player of all time step into the box after sitting at home for two years. I’d put it up there with Tyson or Ali returning to the ring and as much press as Favre coming back drew, could you imagine how nuts a Bonds comeback would be in the sports world in 2010?

Most of what would make his signing with a team this year more exciting than the past two years…is that he hasn’t played in two years. We pretty much knew what he would have had coming back in 2008, and even at his age, taking a year off wouldn’t have been that awful. But I think two years is pretty much the cutoff and his agent is right to say it’s now or never.

Even if he were to come back, it’s probably out of the question for him to return to National League — unless he’s brought on in a Jim Thome or Jason Giambi role of the power bat off the bench (and nothing else) for the entire year — but there are a ton of struggling clubs that could use the attendance boost Bonds would bring.

I refuse to believe that Barry Bonds is still more hated among baseball fans than Vick is among football fans and people have all but moved on with the Vick hate already. After seeing how the Vick experiment has gone so far, I’d say a team like the Athletics are fools for not offering Bonds a minimum deal. For $800,000 or less, you’d get asses in the seats for the first time in that town since before the ’94 strike.

I know I’d probably hate the guy if I met him, but there are few people on this planet that I would stop everything I’m doing to watch play a sport and Barry Lamar Bonds easily tops that list.

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